Pre Mid Life Crisis

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but somewhere in Nov of 2019, I found myself going through so many different emotions. I remember just waking up the morning after feeling uninspired, feigning excitement, and just not motivated to do much of anything else besides binge watch wayyy too many shows on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Disney Plus (strictly for Baby Yoda, of course) Hulu, oh and HBO Plus also seemed like a worthwhile investment. 

At the same time, I was in a pit of endless nothingness. I ruled out seasonal depression after a few visits with my therapist, but what was it?! Could it be Mercury in Retrograde? Was it some built-up karma? My therapist suggested I invest some time in self-evaluation, as this sounded like a pre-mid-life crisis. Naturally, a part of me was insulted; the MusRab side, of course. The side that swore it could hear the laughter of countless MusRab’s saying,

“See, zis is what habbens when you’re not married at this age.”

Thankfully the saner side prevailed so I decided to listen to advice and detach from my greatest distraction: social media. I mean, detach. The plan was to uninstall the app, which I did unsuccessfully because 24-hrs later I caved and reinstalled it. This was my excuse, “I just wanna at least have it on the phone.” I agreed I would not post anything, nor like or comment on anything, but this also didn’t work. I even went as far as posting two videos on Monday so I could, “Meet both peak times to post,” and ensure getting more followers. NUMBERS, NUMBERS NUMBERS! After all, the more people I reach, the more eyes I could get on my work. Which would bring about opportunities and, in time, real change. The “change” I want is more empowered women who live fearlessly as themselves. Women who fall in love with themselves first before looking for a partner. Women who wear their crowns, get over the fuck or fucks that hurt them, chase their dreams, be weird, and never be afraid of making mistakes.

That’s what my end goal was and is, but somewhere in between algorithm changes and expectations, I lost sight of that goal, and instead of having fun and enjoying what I do, social media became a dreaded job. I HAD to post. I HAD to make sure it just might be something that goes viral. I HAD to make sure the picture looked like it just stepped out of Vogue. I HAD to make sure I was giving all those waiting for a new NEW POST notification, their daily dopamine fix, and if I don’t deliver, they’re getting the fuck out of here. In other words, “Unfollowing,” and remember, to me, numbers were everything. So, I would set these unrealistic schedules to get as much content pumped out as possible by myself. Help would be great, and there would be plenty of people willing to help, but my mind said proudly, “NAH! YOU’VE GOT THIS GIRLFRIEND!”

But, unfortunately, penguin, “Girlfriend” NEVER got it! Never! Girlfriend would reject other platforms and be consistent on Instagram for a few days, and on day six of consistent video posts, I’d crash and go into hibernation like sleeping beauty.  

I realized after yet another crash, this past Monday, that social media wasn’t fun to me anymore. I never thought I’d ever hear myself saying that until this past week. I literally gasped at the realization. I can’t even remember the last time I fucken gasped. I even felt guilty for saying it because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for everything I’ve been given by all of YOU through social media, but this is where I found myself. I love the absolute fuck out of each and every penguin who chooses to be on my page and show love and support, but the love and excitement I once felt for the apps had changed. It wasn’t about me anymore it was about meeting an expectation for the reward. In this scenario, the expectation was posting ALL the time and the reward: followers, subscriptions, views, etc.

Social media i.e. Instagram, YouTube, and Snap have literally become a significant part of me and my business. It was NOT smart to say, “Fuck it! I’m out,” but I made the decision anyway because it was the moment I had to realize what I so often tell others, “Focus on you, then share your light.” I couldn’t give any more of myself to others unless I prioritized me and worked through whatever the fuck I was feeling. So, I said peace out to social and have spent the last few days reflecting on the reasons why I have become so inconsistent with work, unmotivated, and uninspired. I realized my therapist was right. I was facing a pre-mid-life crisis because after unraveling my feelings, I found that this PMC stems from the fact that I was obsessed with the app, but not the map.

The map I have set for myself, my vision, my purpose was lost to the apps numbers, views, comments, likes, and facade.  I LOVE social media apps like IG, YouTube, Snap, and recently TikTok. I truly enjoyed them once, but I’ve lost that, and I want to bring that love back. I lost my focus, but it’s time to get it back again, and that starts with the reality that NUMBERS DON’T MATTER!!!

AHHHHH!!! Can you imagine saying anything more frightening to an influencer? 

That means if followers drop or decide to leave, that’s perfectly fine. My train isn’t a ride for everyone. Some days you may like what I post, others you won’t, and that’s okay. As long as I’m staying true to me and putting out things that focus on who I am and my purpose, that’s what truly matters. And hey! Maybe those who leave will come back, but if not, that’s okay also, but no matter what, my mind MUST be focused on the end goal and listening to the voice within. Kinda like in Field of Dreams when Ray listened to the voice inside, and everything else fell into place. Time for me to get back to doing the same damn thing. 

Getting back, my love for social media means no more choosing to post strictly comedy skits rather than vids holding excellent relationship advice because I know they’ll get more views. That also means even if I’m not living a certain lifestyle, traveling, or doing anything exciting, because I live like a hermit- POST IT ANYWAY! I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who get it, and if they don’t, that’s also fine. BE YOU!

It means sharing the love on all platforms that are important to me by setting a better schedule, one that is actually attainable. One that will ensure I can get everything done on my list, with help from an assistant- which is another thing I did. I hired an assistant! Lowering the pride level and opening up the door to help, was a huge shift for me, and yet one of the best decisions I’ve made in a while. Getting help will guarantee my ability to focus on my art while getting help to get it out to all of you. Right now, I script all my own content, shoot it, edit it, and all that good stuff. To have someone help with some of that will help with consistency. 

And the last thing I’m implementing to bring the love back to social media is -NOT comparing myself or my journey to others. ENOUGH! “Stay in your lane,” is what I’ve been telling myself a lot lately. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and so are they. IF I want more of anything in my life, it’s up to ME to get there, no one else. It’s about being happy for them without needing to compare yourself to where they are and where you’re not.

I took a few days to cleanse my spirit and make peace with all of this if only to really lock in my intention and sharpen my focus, so thank you all for your patience on ALL the platforms I haven’t been consistent on. 

I’m aware, I’m ready, and I’m focused.

Time to fucken have some fun again!