High. That’s what our quartet (Pan, Eddy, Avril, and I) were after smoking a fat blunt that had been rolled by Pan earlier that day.
“You wanna hit this?” Pan asked the California tide-dyed-laid back Uber driver who was completely comfortable with us smoking in the car.
“Nah! I wish I could man, but I’m working the whole night.”
“Fair enough,” Pan said before passing the joint to me.
I inhaled twice and exhaled, just as Pan had taught me. Pan had taught me a lot of things up to that point: how to grind marijuana, roll a blunt, and smoke it like a pro. I had also been introduced to the ways Adderall could help me meet my writing deadlines. At this time, I had started working for an online magazine called, All Womens Talk,where I would write about- well, relationships. My articles were always a hit, not because of the Adderall, but I just knew my shit. Maybe I didn’t have a lot of experience, but I had listened to many women and men from all walks of life vent to me about their issues, and I had become a pro in many ways.
Although, the more I wrote, the more I realized that I was a hell of a lot better at helping others with their relationships, then I was with navigating my way through my own. Most of the time I would just wing it; I figured, if you fall nine times, you get up ten, like Cardi B, right?! It had worked thus far.
As the driver pulled up to Navy Pier, there was traffic everywhere. I mean the event was clearly going to be a full house. Somehow this made me more excited because I knew that there was a smaller chance of me being seen by anyone I shouldn’t.
Why? Well, if I was seen by a guy who recognized me and knew my family- I would be fucked.
If I saw a girl who recognized me and knew my family- I would be fucked- especially if she was married- because if she was there with her husband, it wouldn’t be seen controversial or worth gossiping about because again, she was there with her husband. Not her boyfriend.
Now, even if the person was MusRab, but didn’t know me personally, or my family, but believed I was Arab, they would most likely confirm this: by approaching me with their nosy asses, and straight out asking me, to which of course I would lie hoping it was believed, otherwise they would do their usual investigation. They would try to find out who I am (which they always do) and again- I would be fucked.
Avril didn’t have to worry about this because she and Eddy were married. The only thing they had to make sure nobody saw, was them drinking alcohol, because Pan and Eddy had every intention of “getting fucked up.”
“You can just stop right here,” said Eddy to the Uber driver.
“You sure?” asked the driver who was a good five-minute walk from the front doors.
“I’m not walking in the snow like that,” said Avril looking at the at least three inches of snow on the floor.
I was happy she said it before me, because I sure as hell was not excited about that walk since I was also in over three-inch heels.
“I’m wearing heels.” Avril said.
“So, walk slow,” said a callous Eddy with a serious look on his face.
“We’ll walk slow,” said Pan looking over at Avril before looking back at me and whispering the same.
“Really slow,” I said to Pan with a smile.
“I got you,” he said before handing the cab driver a twenty-dollar bill. “Here’s a tip for letting us light up.”
“Nice. Thanks man,” said the driver who accepted it.
We got out of the car and the rush of cold air hit us like knives.
“Woo! It’s cold!”Yelled out Pan making others around us turn to look at him.
“Babe, can you not attract too much attention, just in case,” I said.
Pan knew what I was meaning. He too always stressed taking my reputation into account. He knew he would never be gossiped about, because culturally, guys can get away with almost anything. But, I, on the other hand, would lose my reputation and so would my family.
“Sorry babe, but it’s fucken cold.”
“Please remember to walk slow, babe.”
“I got you babe.” Pan said as he extended his hand to me.
I wish Eddy had done the same, but he was walking in front of Avril who was struggling to make her way through the snow.
“He seriously can’t help her?” I whispered to Pan who turned back to look at Avril.
“You alright back there Avril?” he asked.
“I’m trying,” she said as she did her best to keep her balance.
“Yo, Eddy, help your girl out man,” Pan said to Eddy with a smile.
“She’s got this man, trust me.”
He was right, Avril was getting by just fine, but it didn’t mean she had to, and it didn’t mean I was going to let her.
“Just go ahead,” I said to Pan.
“He just said she’s fine babe,” Pan said.
“Does she look fine to you?”
“Yeah,” he said. “And if she falls her body can take it,” he added demeaning Avril’s curvy figure.
“You’re so rude,” I said, letting go of Pan’s hand and making my way back to Avril and taking hers.
“Girl, I don’t want you to fall if I do,” she said.
“We won’t fall,” I said.
“Sorry, Eddy can be such a dick sometimes,” Avril said clearly embarrassed.
“Don’t apologize. We’re almost inside and in the warmth where we need to be. It’s freezing out here.”
“Yeah I didn’t expect it to be this cold.”
“Nothing’s ever what we expect it to be girl,” I said.
“Ain’t that the truth,” she said as we made our way in where Pan and Eddy were holding a door open for us.
“At least you did that much,” Avril said to Eddy.
“See this is why I don’t do shit for her,” Eddy said to Pan.
“She’s just mad habibi, khalas, let it go. Let’s have a nice night guy,” Pan said trying to diffuse the tense moment.
“I’m good,” said Eddy.
“Let me go grab the tickets,” said Pan, who was about to walk away before coming back over to me, “Come on babe,” he said taking my hand and leading me along with him.
“You still mad?” He asked.
“I’m not mad,” I said. “I just don’t like when you talk about a woman’s body. I didn’t like when you did it to me and I don’t like when you do it to other women. It’s wrong.”
“I didn’t say it about you.”
“You shouldn’t say it about any woman Pan. Come on,” I said.
“Okay, we’re not fighting here.”
“This shouldn’t be a fight.”
“Well it’s about to become one and I want us to have a good night, so let’s just drop it okay?”
I dropped it. I wanted to have a good night too and Pan didn’t seem to want to understand what I was saying.
Pan gave the woman at the counter our names and she almost instantaneously handed him our tickets as if she had been waiting for us to come in. Of course, this was illogical considering there were hundreds of people there.
We made our way past the crown and into the ballroom.
Of course, the setting was second nature to my trio who continued to walk, but I had to stop for a moment to take it all in. The room was pitch black, with neon lights scattered around giving enough sight to where you’re walking, the people around you, and then there was the dance floor, with a fog hanging around the dancers as if they were in a dream.
“Come on babe,” Pan voice called out waking me up from the temporary daze.
“This is so amazing,” I said to him. “Can people breath in all that fog?” I asked Pan pointing to the dance floor.
“It’s a fog machine and yeah,” he answered with a laugh as we found our table and took our seats.
“Let’s go get some drinks,” Eddy said to Pan.
“You guys just wait here,” Pan said before following behind Eddy.
I was thrilled. It was unlike anything I had ever seen before. I don’t know what problems, insecurities, or unhappiness’s lay within everyone around us, but on the surface there were no cares or worries- they were all free to be themselves.
“Why did Pan say we had to wear long dresses?” asked Avril interrupting my extensive people watching.
“Pan didn’t say that, the lady I called at the box office said women wear gowns and men wear suits.”
“Clearly she was wrong. There are a lot of girls here in short dresses and we’re sitting here in floor length gowns. I could have worn a nice short dress that would have made my body look so much better than this.”
“I think you look so beautiful,” I sincerely said.
“But I would have looked better in a shorter dress. It sucks that now I have to spend the entire night in this long dress when I could have had on a shorter one like everyone else. This is so embarrassing. I’m so fucken annoyed right now.”
“Well, we should make the best of the night,” I said not wanting Avril’s mood to affect my own.
“We’re both in gowns and I happened to think we look great and who cares what everyone else is wearing, we can still have an amazing night like this.”
“Yeah you could probably move a lot more than I can in my gown. I’m so restricted with this corset, and wallah, I bet this zipper is going to pop any minute. Imagine what’s gonna happen if I start dancing. It’s gonna pop and then what am I gonna do? I hate this.”
For the first time all night, I was excited to see Eddy and Pan come back over to the table with drinks in both hands.
“Hey babe,” said Pan as he handed me my drink.
“We should make a toast,” said Eddy after handing an annoyed Avril her drink.
“To the best night of our lives,” Pan said.
We clicked cups and took a drink.
“Look what I got,” Pan said to the table before pulling out a half-filled grey goose bottle he had bought on the side from one of the bartenders.
“Wallah, leave it up to Pan to get anything you need,” said Eddy with a high five to Pan.
For the next twenty minutes we did nothing but drink. Four shots in, I was officially tipsy. I had never been drunk before and so the feeling wasn’t one I knew how to handle.
“Let’s dance,” Pan said to the table.
“Can we just go slow,” I said to Pan who took my hand and walked slowly to the dance floor. He took us directly in front of the stage.
The music brought me back to life. I held Pan tight and grooved to every beat of the songs as they played one by one. The floor was foggy, Pan’s face blurry, but the moment still rings so crystal clear. I remember more than anything how much I wanted to kiss him, which was very out of character since Pan and I would never show any public displays of affection. I must have pulled him close to me to kiss him at least ten times every song. The alcohol was definitely doing its job and Pan was loving it, and oddly enough, so was I.
We danced and danced and danced.
“I’m gonna grab us another drink,” said Pan.
“I think I’m good,” I said pulling him close.
“Here,” he said pulling out his cellphone.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
Pan didn’t answer so I just watched as he put his camera on and leaned it against one of the speakers as it recorded us.
“What are you doing?” I asked with a laugh.
“Getting memories,” he said. “Stay here while I grab us some drinks,” he added again.
“Okay,” I said standing against the stage.
I held onto the stage for fear of falling. The combination of the liquor, strobe lights, fog, and the overcrowded body heat made me feel like the room was spinning. Faces were becoming a blur, but I was doing my best to stay in control. Suddenly, I felt a hand wrap around my waist and a huge smile swept across my lips as I turned and began dancing again. Holding onto the back of his neck and shoulder made me feel more in control.
Suddenly, my eyes had to adjust, and I realized I wasn’t in fact dancing with Pan, but a complete stranger. To this stranger left stood Pan, who’s eyes glared at me.
“Pan, wallah, she didn’t know. She didn’t do it purposely,” Avril quickly intervened.
“Yeah, wallah, she’s drunk man,” added Eddy.
“You were dancing with another guy,” Pan said whose eyes were burning with anger.
“I’m sorry, for a second I thought it was you.”
“I have it all on camera,” he said pointing to his phone that was still recording on the stage.
“It doesn’t change what I just said. Wallah, I thought it was you for…” I said.
“Don’t do that haram, she’s new to this Pan,” Avril interrupted seeing how infuriated Pan was.
“You’re the one who got her drunk.” She added.
“No more drinks for you,” Pan said handing the drink he got me to Eddy.
“That’s fine, I’m not feeling too well anyway,” I said wrapping my arms around Pan trying to calm him. “I’m sorry.”
“You better be,” he said. “I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to forget what you just did.”
“Come on babe, I’m sorry. It was an accident. The moment I realized it wasn’t you, I stopped.”
“Whatever! Let’s just enjoy the night.”
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I said.
“I’ll go with you,” Pan said leading me out of the crowd only to remember he had left his cellphone on the stage.
He went back to grab and took my hand again to lead me to the bathroom.
We made our way upstairs and until today I have no idea how I managed getting up those stairs without tripping.
The bathroom line was long. Very long.
“You good to stand here alone?” Pan said wanting to make his way to the men’s bathroom.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“There’s no guys for you to dance with here, so I think you’ll be okay,” Pan added sarcastically.
I hated the thought that that mistake was now going to be something Pan would carry, forever using it against me as if I had intentionally danced with another man.
I stood in line and in front of me stood a petite girl with long black curls and a very short black dress she continuously pulled down.
“I hate when you wear something you have to pull down the whole night,” she said to me.
“I guess it’s a good thing I wore a long gown,” I joked.
“For real,” she added. “What nationality are you?”
The moment this question left her lips, my heart began to palpitate because it seems the only time I was asked this question was by Arabs waiting to judge me. I couldn’t tell if she was Arab or not, but a part of me suspected that she might be. It was something about her eyes that made me think that she was. I knew I had to answer. I mean I couldn’t just say, “I’m not sure,” what kind of story would that unfold. I had to give her an answer- but definitely not the truth; anything but the truth, so help me God.
“I’m Greek,” I said.
“Oh really?”
“Yup. From Athens. Totally Greek. Are you? You can look Greek.”
“No! I’m Mexican.”
“Oh nice. I get that I look Mexican a lot of times.”
“No…. actually, you look Middle Eastern.”
“Me?” I said laughing. “I get that so many times, wallah.”
Oops!
“Wallah? Did you just say wallah?” she said laughing.
The moment the Arabic word left my mouth and I saw that she understood what I had said, I wanted to crawl under the rug and call it a year.
“Intee Arabiya?” she asked me.
“Yeah, I’m Arab,” I admitted.
I mean there was no room for denial at that point and I suppose I felt more comfortable considering that she too was Arab.
“Me too,” she said laughing hysterically as she wrapped her arms around me.
I couldn’t help but laugh myself. There we both were trying to conceal our true identities for fear of being judged.
“Sorry I had to lie, you know how it is,” I said.
“Oh girl, same. Whenever I’m out partying, drinking, or with a guy, my ass never tells people I’m Araby. Ever!”
“Does your family know you’re out right now?” I asked.
“Oh, hell no!”
Now, I don’t know if it was the alcohol that made us bond, but we felt like sisters at that point. Walls down, masks off; two women standing there naked in our truth. No lies, no facades.
After a few minutes, we were in the bathroom and two stalls became available. We said our goodbyes by sharing in a few laughs, hugs, compliments, and a sincere well wish that we would both make it through the night with nobody recognizing us and our reputations intact.
I did my best to squat over the toilet seat, but I was much too dizzy, so I took some toilet paper and tried to place it on the seat. My vision was blurry, but I was sure it was in place and so I sat down to pee. While I sat there I thought about the recent encounter with the Arab girl with the curly hair. The way we both connected through our lies. I thought about the position I was currently in, sitting in a bathroom stall, drunk as fuck, knowing when I came out of the bathroom, my boyfriend, the very one I was not supposed to have, would be there waiting for me. I had come so far from the girl I once was. Nothing about who I was as I sat there, was remotely close to who I use to be. I didn’t know whether I should feel proud or ashamed by that.
But thinking wasn’t something I wanted to be doing that night- at least not about my MusRab guilt. So, I wiped, flushed, and headed over to the sink to wash my hands. As I did, I noticed the amount of compliments, well wishes, and encouraging words being exchanged between drunken women in the bathroom.
How nice it would be if this happened sober, I thought.
I dried my hands and headed out of the bathroom, trying my best not to stumble. My eyes locked on Pan.
“What took you so long?” he asked as he angrily approached me.
“The line was really long. I’m sorry.”
“Whatever let’s get outside, the countdown is about to start.”
“It’s already midnight?”
“Just about.”
We were only a few minutes from midnight and I can’t tell you where that time went. It was almost as if everything was on fast forward. We walked over to Eddy and Avril who were still dancing.
“Everything okay?” Avril asked.
“Yeah we’re fine,” replied Pan.
I hoped he was being sincere, but knowing Pan, I knew he would still be holding onto my accidentally dancing with another man for a while. There would be no way he could let that go- not with me. But I didn’t want to think about that then, I just wanted to live in the moment.
Pan wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek making me feel more comfortable in believing that maybe, just maybe, he was in fact over what happened knowing very well it was unintentional.
I kissed him back on the cheek and apologized again. Just as Pan was about to reply, the countdown began.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1- HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Pan and I embraced and shared an amazing heart felt kiss. Balloons and confetti rained from the ceilings.
“We made it baby,” Pan yelled.
“I love you so much!” I said before kissing him again.
“I love you more, my Queen,” he replied. “Come on…” he said taking my hand and leading me off the dancefloor.
“Where are we going?”
“Outside, we don’t want to miss the firework show.”
“Oh my God, I almost forgot.”
Pan was walking fast, I tried to keep up, but wearing five-inch heels, and having drank more alcohol than a 102-pound girl at 5’5 should drink, I was not prepared for that speed.
“Babe, can you slow down please. I’m a little dizzy.”
“We’re almost there babe, you got this.”
Pan was always very good at using encouraging phrases to try and inspire me to do more of what I didn’t want to.
“I’m really dizzy babe and I’m in heels.”
“We’re almost there, look,” he said pointing to the doors that led outside the building in perfect view of the firework show.
Seeing the sky light up that way made me feel re-energized and all I could think of then, was how I wanted to see it closer.
We were finally outside, and our heads went straight up to admire the fireworks show that was unlike any I have ever seen before. Lights from almost every angle, colors across the rainbow, and music playing in the background. It was magical, memorable- perfect.
Somehow though, in this cacophony of sound, the only person I could think of was Pan. His voice was the only sound I wanted to hear. The light from his eyes, were all my eyes wanted to look into and the only music I wanted to hear, was the one that played in perfect harmony when our lips touched.
“Thank you for an amazing night babe,” I said as I leaned my head against his like a baby.
“Thank you,” he replied.
“You guys want me to take a picture of your two like that?” asked a man from behind us.
We both turned. It was an elderly gentleman and his wife.
“This always happens to us,” joked Pan.
“Wallah, right?” I replied to him with a laugh.
“We’d love that,” Pan said handing him his phone.
We looked at one another and shared in a kiss. The man took a few pics and when he handed the phone back, they couldn’t be more amazing.
“Wow! I love these,” Pan said to the man. “Do you want us to get some of you two?”
“Sure, why not,” the man said.
Pan took the man’s camera and flashed a few pictures of the couple. They loved them.
We re-took our spot looking up at the firework show.
“We have to frame that picture,” Pan said.
“For sure. I love it.”
“I love you,” he said kissing me on the side of my neck.
“I love you more.”
“Let’s make this year the best year of our life babe.”
“The best ever!”
“And the most memorable.”
“I can’t wait.”
“It’s you and me against the world baby. Forever!”
As I stood there, wrapped in his arms, with a hopeful heart as never before, I had no idea that night that the upcoming year would be nothing like we had planned. We would never be the same. Nothing ever would be. And “forever” was not written in the stars for us.
Sometimes I wish I knew that. Maybe then I would have left before being broken. Maybe not. Maybe even despite knowing, if that were in any way possible, I would have chosen to stay, because I loved him. Even when it didn’t make sense, or it was illogical to love such a person, I did. I saw the parts in him that were good, and I held onto that- and the parts of him that weren’t so good were the parts I hoped would and could change.
The only problem was… I didn’t love me and because of that, I would break in every way a woman could ever be broken.
(WANT MORE??? ‘My From Broken, To FABULOUS Life,’ memoir releases 2019)
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