WINTER WONDER

Magical. That’s the only thought that crossed my mind as Pan and I walked into Navy Pier’s Winter Wonder Fest. Pan knew how much I love Christmas and the entire holiday season, so he agreed to take me to the most festive event in the city. As we walked in, my eyes locked on all the penguin décor that almost flooded the room. I jumped for joy and excitement because of my love for the adorable animals. Pan knew this.

“You like it?” He asked with a big smile making me almost believe he had somehow called in advance to make sure it was extra penguin-ee.

“Are you kidding me?” I asked enthusiastically with a jump before wrapping my arms around him tightly.

“At least we don’t have to worry about Arabs here because they don’t celebrate Christmas,” Pan said.

“You mean Muslims,” I corrected.

“No… Arabs.”

“There’s Christian Arabs who celebrate Christmas silly,” I said.

“There’s Arabs who are Christian?” Pan asked genuinely unaware.

“Yeah. Arabs can be Muslim, Christian, even Jewish.”

“Fuck I didn’t know that,” he said wrapping his arm around my waist. “See this is why I love you, you’re so fucken smart.”

I smiled proudly wrapping my arm around his waist as tight as his was around mine.

“Where do we even start?” He asked looking at everything I couldn’t believe fit in the area: carnival rides, decorated festively, an ice skating rink, various different shops, Santa’s village, food of all kinds, I mean it was exactly what it was named: Winter Wonder Fest.

“Should we get something to eat?” Pan asked.

“Not yet, let’s skate first,” I said.

“I’m such a fat ass,” he said with a laugh. “My mind went straight to food.”

I laughed before taking his hand and leading him to the skating rink, where we chose our skates and made our way on the ice.

“Have you ever skated before?” He asked me struggling to walk.

“A long time ago, but I’m sure it’ll all come back to me once I’m out there,” I said. “Have you?”

“When I was younger. It’s been a long time, but I was a professional.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked with a cocked brow.

“You don’t believe me? Watch this,” he said as he made his way up the ramp and out onto the ice, where he fell flat on his ass.

“Were you a professional faller?” I asked laughing.

Pan extended his hand for me to help him up. I did.

“It’s just been a while,” he said with a laugh.

“Are you okay?”

“I can’t feel my ass, but that’s normal right?”

“I don’t want to find out,” I lauhed.

“Oh yeah?” He said attempting to pull me towards him. I screamed and skated slowly away, trying to keep my balance.

“Where you going?” he asked.

“I don’t wanna fall,” I said.

“What does it matter? If you fall, you get right back up,” he said making his way towards me, slowly, with as much caution as a child learning to walk.

“But I don’t wanna fall,” I repeated.

“Come here,” he said skating over to me a little better than he had started.

“STOP!” I screamed as he grabbed my arm.

“Can you not scream like that before someone thinks I’m killing you here,” he said with a laugh I soon shared in.

“I don’t wanna fall babe.”

“Everyone falls,” he said looking me straight in the eyes. “It’s about having the right person there to pick you up.”

Pan always knew how to say the right thing at the right time. It was one of his best attributes, but also the surest way he could make me forget my fears. It was also logical.

“Okay… that was romantic,” I said.

“You afraid of falling now?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, take my hand,” he said extending his hand while still trying to keep his balance.

“You can barely stand straight,” I said.

“Take my hand,” he said rolling his eyes.

“You promise you’re not gonna make me fall?”

“Not purposely. No!”

I took his hand, and the moment I did, our balance became more stable. We began skating hand in hand around the rink.

“See,” he said. “Look how much better we’re doing together.”

We weren’t a figure skating couple, but we had gone from struggling to stand to gliding through the ice like swans without a care or worry in the world. The white Christmas lights that hovered above the rink served as the most beautiful heavenly lights shining down on us as we looked from one another to the beauty around us. We were no longer looking down to avoid falling, but up and around at everything around us; mostly just each other. The moment was serene, almost perfect. Actually, it wasperfect.

Pan took out his phone to record a video on an app I had never heard of before. Itwas called Snapchat.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“It’s an app you use to send pictures that’ll be erased. We’re calling it the best nude pic app,” hesaid.

Suddenly, my balance was lost and I landed right on my ass.

“Are you okay?” Pan asked laughing.

“It’s not funny,” I said annoyed more about the nude comment than the fall.

“It’s a good thing you landed on your ass because it’s so fat it’ll break the fall- you know what I’m sayin,” he said helping me to my feet.

“Ha Ha,” I sarcastically said as I stood up.

“You good?”

“I’m fine,” I said. “What’s this app, and who’s the we’re you’re referring to?”

“Me and my boys,” he said as we continued skating again.

“Who are you getting nude pictures from?”

“I didn’t say I was getting nude pics from anyone, the fuck. I said me and my boys call it that.”

“But why would you call it something like that if you weren’t getting nude pics?”

“Why are we talking about this right now?” He said with a smile.

“Don’t smile like that,” I said. “Because it annoys me. Makes me feel like you’re just trying to get away with something you said that can’t be retracted.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“Means you can’t take back what you just said.”

“Well, I didn’t say anything wrong. I’m not getting nude pics from anyone, but my boys who have girlfriends, usually send nudes to them via that app cause it gets erased.”

“Nothings ever really erased,” I said.

“Here it is!”

“Who can send you messages on there?”

“Anyone you have on the app!”

I couldn’t help the discomfort I felt in the thought that maybe Pan was getting nudes from girls he had on his page. He had a lot of female friends and although I had never given that much thought, I suddenly found myself flooded with way too many.

“What’s wrong?” He said still flashing the same smile.

“I’m done skating,” I said as I removed my hand from his and made my way to the entrance. I didn’t turn around to see if Pan was following me, nor did I really care if he was.

I got off the rink and made my way down the ramp where I took a seat on an available bench to begin removing my skates. I looked up to notice Pan still skating, while shooting a video of himself skating on what I assume was the Snapchat app.

Suddenly, I did care that he wasn’t following me off the ice. That instead of sitting next to me, trying to comfort my distraught mind, he was instead shooting away, without a care or worry in the world. I wondered if I was being too sensitive. I always wondered this, because Pan was always so nonchalant about things, that it made me feel that I may be overreacting or as he would say, “being too much of a girl.” It always seemed that if I felt too much, that I was insecure, or sensitive, foolish, or immature. My feelings never felt validated, or worse heard or cared about. I had never been more uncertain about my feelings than when I was with Pan. Never.

Fifteen minutes later, Pan sat next to me on the bench to begin removing his skates.

“That was fun wasn’t it?” He said untying his laces.

I didn’t know how to respond. Hischeerful demeanour made me feel insecure in staying upset. I didn’t want to be the reason the mood and entire outing went to shit because of how I was feeling, but I also didn’t want to dismiss my feelings, even Pan did.

“It was fun,” I said in a stern tone.

“Did you get my shoes?” He asked me.

“No!” I said not knowing that I had to.

“Nice. You keep two hundred dollar J’s in the box because you’re pissed off about fucken God knows what,” he said before standing to get his Jordan’s.

When he came back and put his shoes on, I could tell he was now upset. A part of me was okay with this. It was almost like I felt a balance in knowing that we were now both equally feeling the same way, as opposed to me having to be in that mood alone. He turned to look at me.

“Do you wanna just leave? Or are you gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

“Have you ever received a nude pic from a girl on that app?”

“Yeah!” He said without a censor or care in the world about it.

I know some would say that I should have been happy about the level of honesty he felt he could share with me, but I didn’t feel that way at all. I felt a complete lack of respect and the questions that clouded my thoughts were now so overwhelming. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry, leave, or inquire about the subject. I think I felt a bit of all three.

“From who?” I asked trying to sound strong, while inside I was breaking.

“Random girls on there.”

“Random girls send you nudes?” I asked.

“Let’s walk,” Pan said after noticing how the area was getting crowded.

“Random girls send you nudes?” I asked again.

“Hoes,” he said.

“Do you know them?”

“A little?”

“So they’re not random! Have you ever dated any of those girls?”

“No! They’re just fucken hoes who send nudes to a whole bunch of guys looking for attention.”

“Then why don’t you block them?”

“I have,” he said. “I was just sharing something with you as a joke. Stop thinking the worst. Just because that’s what I call it, or my friends call it, doesn’t mean that that’s what I’m fucken doing on there. You have to stop being so insecure and sensitive. Have more confidence babe. You’re beautiful.”

“Confidence has nothing to do with your girlfriend…”

“My wife you mean,” Pan playfully corrected.

“…stop and listen Pan. I mean it!”

“Listen, I was just playing around. Stop being so uptight. I came here for you. You think I would say something like that if I had anything to hide from you. Really? You think if I weredoing something I shouldn’t be doing, I would sit here and talk to you about it all casual like that? No! I was sharing something with you like I would share with my best friend and you’re making me feel like I can’t be open with you. I was sharing it with you as a joke. That’s all. Now I feel like I can’t do that and I don’t wanna have to start hiding stupid shit from you.”

“I don’t want you to hide anything from me. I want you to always feel open and able to talk to me about anything,” I said feeling a sense of guilt.

“I don’t know if that’s true because look how you reacted,” he said taking a seat on one of the available benches in a remote part of the Christmas village.

I felt so guilty. Like I had innocently judged someone I loved. Maybe I was being insecure. Maybe I was selfish and didn’t want to sharehimwith anyone else. Maybe I didn’t want anyone else sharing a part of themselves with him, when I didn’t know if I myselfwas enough. I was worried that one of the girls sending him nudes, “for attention,” would get just that, his attention. If they could get his attention, they could get his time, and in turn his body, and maybe even his heart. I didn’t want to share him with anyone, and maybe that was wrong, but that’s how I love and that’s how I’ll always love.

I took a seat next to him. He was defeated. I look back sometimes and see the pattern of manipulation in a way my innocent naïve heart didn’t then. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to walk out- this is a pattern- this is who he is- this is how he gets his way with you- this is how he breaks you- but I can’t.  And to be honest, I don’t know if anyone would have told me that, if I would have ever believed them.I loved Pan too much to ever believe or think anything truly derogatory about him. Even if a part of me tried to shake common sense into my stubborn head, I would have always found a reason to justify his actions, his words, his lies…. His lies.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t talk to me. I just don’t want to think about other girls sending you nudes or for you to put yourself in a position that that happens. It’s a disrespect to me. Especially if you know you can avoid that from happeneing.”

“You’re right! I guess I could block them,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said with a slight smile.

“You still love me?” He asked.

“Always,” I replied.

We shared a kiss before being interrupted by a loud, “Aww.”

We both looked up to see a passing couple smiling at us.

“You guys are too adorable,” said the woman. “You want us to take a picture of you two on that bench? You look so cute,” she added.

“Uhh… okay,” said Pan a little taken aback. “Babe give them your phone.”

I took my phone out of my purse and handed it to the couple before jumping back on the bench next to Pan.

“1…2…3… smile,” she said.

She snapped a few pictures and handed me back my phone.

“I think you’ll really like them,” she said.

Pan and I looked at the pictures and found one that was just beautiful.

“Thank you so much,” we both said in unison to the couple who continued their walk down the decorated Christmas village.

“You know why I asked you to give them your phone?”

“Because your memory is full?”

“No because I thought they were thieves,” Pan said with a laugh. “Figured let them take yours before mine,” he said laughing.

“You’re a jerk,” I said with a laugh. “Now, I’m not sending you this pic.”

“You don’t have to, it’s in here crystal clear,” he said pointing to his head before taking my hand into his and kissing it ever so gently.

“What should we do now?” I asked.

“I’m kinda done with this place. I say we grab some cotton candy, head back to the car for a little alone time if you know what I mean,” he said with a wink.

“There will be no,” I said adding a wink of my own.

“Not even a little?” he asked with yet again another wink.

“No!”

“OK… will you at least send me a nude on Snapchat?”

“Absolutely not!” I said firmly.

“Good!” He said wrapping his arm around me. “If you would have said yes, we would have a problem.”

“I’m confused.”

“My dad always told me that if a woman sends you nudes then she shouldn’t be your wife.”

“So was that a test?”

“Maybe,” he said.

We got some cotton candy and made our way back to the car. Pan wanted to shishkabob, but I wasn’t up for it. Not because we hadn’t done so in his car before, but because I felt like every time we met, we were intimate and I wanted there to be so much more to our outings and time together, than shishkabobbing.

“What’s up?” Pan said as he tried to turn me on. It was working, but I had no intention of following through with it, or caving.

“I don’t want to?”

“Are you on your period?”

“No,” I replied sort of embarrassed. I had never discussed or answered questions about private woman’s affairs with a man before.

“Then what’s up?” He asked sort of frustrated.

“I just don’t want us to do that every time we meet. Let’s spend time together.”

“Not even head?”

“Pan?”

“Fine fine,” he said as he turned the car on.

“Have some cotton candy and chill,” I said with a laugh feeding him some cotton candy.

“What should we do?” he asked.

“Well, you can open your Christmas gifts,” I said before reaching behind me to grab the bag I placed in the back seat when he picked me up.

“That’s what’s in the bag you brought into the car?”

“Yup,” I said with so much excitement. “Here you go!”

I handed him the Christmas bag that was filled to the top with presents.

“Babe, that’s not all for me?”

“Yes it is,” I said absolutely loving the smile on his face.

“Come here,” he said leaning over for a kiss.

“Okay… open open,” I said jumping in my seat.

“You might want to stop bouncing like that or I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle myself over here,” his mind still clearly on shishkabobbing.

“Can you open your presents please,” I asked more stern.

“Fine,” he said as he began opening his gifts one at a time. Pan desperately needed a new wardrobe and so I had decided to start him off with some essential items: a black, white, and grey short sleeve and long sleeve Henley, a black and grey cardigan, black and grey terry joggers, a black neck scarf, and a black and grey beanie.

“Now you have the essentials to put together some bomb outfits,” I said as I began showing him the different ways he can pair all the items.

“Nice,” he said excited. “I can be as stylish as my baby.”

“You’re gonna look so sexy. I can’t wait to see you wearing them.”

“Thank you so much baby.”

“You like everything really?”

“I love it,” he said as he began folding the items and putting them back into the bag. “Thank you babe.”

“You’re welcome babe. I’m so glad you like everything.”

“I feel like I should change into some of it right now,” he said. “Or maybe I just want an excuse to take my clothes off,” he said raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh my God, let’s go,” I said with a laugh as I put on my seat belt.

Pan wasn’t moving.

“Let’s go,” I said looking him square in the eyes.

“You’re killing me here,” he said with a laugh as he began driving out of the parking lot.

We began driving all around downtown Chicago. There was no destination in mind, just sharing each others company, music blasting, and hands held. Driving around and around became a favorite past time for Pan and I. We just wanted to spend time together and for some reason, driving around aimlessly seem to be the thing we enjoyed doing most. We could do it for hours. Sometimes we would start off in Chicago and end up at O’Hare where we would park and just watch the planes come in, which is exactly where we found ourselves.

“I’ll never understand what you like about this,” he said as we put our chairs all the way back and opened the sunroof.

“There’s something so excitingabout seeing people headed out on an adventure.”

“But they’re landing,” he said.

“Not all of them,” I said pointing to a few that were taking off. “Admit it, you like it?”

“I’ll admit, I find myself fucken watching planes land all the time now because of you,” he said with a laugh.

“See!”

“We should talk about New Years Eve?”

“Okay.”

“We’re spending it together right?”

“I want to. I’ve never spent a New Years Eve outside of my house.”

“You’ve never been out for New Years?”

“No! My parents wouldn’t allow it. Me and my sister would just dress up, sit home, and watch the festivities on T.V.”

“That’s boring.”

“Not really,” I said watching yet another plane fly over us. “It was actually always really fun, but I am ready to go out.”

“Good. I’m thinking we could do the Navy Pier party, firework show, get a nice hotel,” he said.

I jumped up excited.

“That sounds amazing. Do we dress up?”

“Yeah, like a nice dress.”

“Long or short?”

“Whatever you want, maybe something tight and long?”

“Okay… I can do that,” I said with more excitement than I had had in a very long time. Nothing brought me more to life than fashion and getting dressed to the nines.

“I say we invite some of my friends, what do you think?”

“I mean I was kinda hoping it could just be us.”

“Trust me, New Year’s Eve is fun with a group,” he said.

“Are they conservative?” I asked afraid of dealng with any form of judgements on a night I wanted to enjoy myself to the fullest as I never had before on New Years Eve.

“Not at all. Theydrink, dress how theywant, everything. We’ll have fun. It’ll be a good time. You in?”

“Absolutely!” I said.

“Cool,” he said as he began texting his friends.

As Pan organized the details, I turned on the radio to 93.9 Lite FM where the Charlie Brown Christmassong was playing, and put the seat back down to watch the planes fly above. There was something about this particular moment that just seem to set it for me. As if my life with Pan was starting to really run it’s course. We had had such a long year, and being that we were a couple of weeks away from it ending, I had a childish enthusiasm about the road ahead. I figured if we could make it through everything we already had, we were beyond ready for what the New Year held for us and our future together.

“There we go,” he said as he placed his phone back on the dash and put his seat back.

“Come here,” he said to me extending his hand.

“Babe, I said no… we’re by the airport,” I said.

“Well, we’re not exactly by the airport, but it’s not for that anyway. I just want you here,” he said.

I took his hand and he pulled me over to him. I laid my head on his chest as we both looked up at the planes coming in.

“I’m so excited about this New Year babe.” I said.

“I was just thinking the same thing babe, wallah.”

“I feel it’s gonna be the best year of our lives. So many exciting things waiting for us both in our careers, our life together, traveling, everthing.”

“I can’t wait babe. I really can’t.”

“I wish it was tomorrow.”

“Don’t say that,” I said. “I don’t want time to go too fast. Then we miss all the moments in between. I like the moments in between.”

“Even the bad ones?”

“Even the bad ones.”

Pan kissed my head as he caressed my hair, “I don’t want us to fight anymore,” he said.

“Me neither.”

“Let’s make this our year. You and me against the world.”

“You and me against the world.”

I didn’t know what the New Year held, but I didn’t care to think of it just yet. I cared about the moments I share with him- like the one we were in. The simplicity. The serenity. The sheer perfection in just simply being present in the love we shared. A love I was so certain would surpass not only the coming year, but many many more years to come.