Have you ever delved into your shadow? Explored the depths of your dark side? Confronted your internal villain, assuming it exists? What insights would it reveal about you? What would it uncover about your past? What would it unveil about your pain, and how responsible you might be for that suffering? Could you summon the courage to look in that mirror? Ask those questions and accept the answers?
With Cardi gone and me no longer racking my brain about what the fuck to shoot, post, etc… for social media, all to keep the algorithm happy and obsessing about my numbers plummeting, I obsessed about the questions.
Yet here’s one truth I often share with my clients: every question aimed at healing oneself and forging character is accompanied by an onslaught of memories. They surge like a tidal wave. Each question triggers a memory FLASH followed by another question and another memory flash. The cycle continues incessantly. It can become overwhelming and leads me to grasp why some people literally fucking run from healing and their past. Why they evade growth and change, instead choosing comfort, invisibility, and conformity.
My memories encompass so many moments. So many words. So many faces. Some I yearned to forget as swiftly as possible, while others remained etched in my mind, defying all attempts to erase them. Yet I couldn’t run. I just faced every HORRIBLE moment!
I feel like I’m ranting. I can barely even understand my handwriting at this point. Sometimes I’m not even sure why I started this fucking journal?
I guess I’m grateful for it, if only because it’s the only thing I’ve been consistent with since stalking my latest crush.
Mind you; I’m about as selective about a crush as I am about a boyfriend. I’ve had exactly ten crushes in my life to date. Two were celebs: George Michaels and Kevin Richardson from the Backstreet Boys. Five didn’t know or give a fuck about my existence. However, they lived in those happily-ever-after scenarios I concocted in my head at random times of the day.
The other three were my ex-boyfriends: Pan, Seo Jin, and MBJ.
I haven’t talked about Seo Jin (not his real name, although his actual Korean name sounds just as fucking sexy as the made-up one). The relationship lasted four months, consisted of precisely thirteen dates, and ended with a text message that said:
“Sry. We won’t work. Take care of urself though. Headed back 2 work. Bye.”
It was my modern-day equivalent of Carrie Bradshaw’s break-up Post-it from Burger.
I don’t blame him, though. Although his approach sucked with a big-ass capital S, he did what I later did to MBJ. We both realized that our relationship was reaching ‘The End,’ and instead of prolonging the inevitable, he decided to end it. It was the right course of action, even if his execution left much to be desired. It’s all a learning lesson.
I’ve learned a great deal, yet with each passing moment; I realize there’s still so much left for me to learn. That’s why I’m offline now, delving deep into healing and understanding my dark side. The one I’m fully aware of exists. She’s been the catalyst behind countless poor decisions, missed chances, and placing myself in the clutches of actual adversaries. And I have no one to blame but myself.
I should have known better. Love, compassion, and empathy guided my choices. I was too understanding, too forgiving. I overlooked too much. On the other hand, I couldn’t ignore certain things. I wore my emotions on my sleeve, revealing every thought and feeling. Allowing others to manipulate those thoughts and feelings in their favor.
So stupid. So fucking stupid!
I confess work provides some respite, although it may be stalled were the writers to strike. In that case, the dreams I’m pursuing, dreams of storytelling and contributing to meaningful narratives that resonate with my soul’s purpose, would be temporarily put on hold. Leaving me with more time for introspection. No distractions. The spotlight fixed solely on me, myself, and that haunting shadow I must now face. Which I know is exactly as it should be for anyone genuinely committed to healing. A truth I constantly tell my clients. One which none of us can escape, including myself.
Ugh.
Somehow I feel it’s time to fasten my seatbelt because this ride’s about to get fucking bumpy!
Ready for the ride ❤️
You’re my fav part of the weekend ❤️❤️❤️ Reading now
I hate my dark side. I don’t feel good about myself. Look forward to reading more. Hope it’ll help me too. Thank you mama ❤️
Love Ur blog Ur like my New favorite serie, love from France.
Girl you found yourself a Korean?? I’m laughing so hard over here in a crummy NY apt 😂😂 I need more about that relationship ⌚️
SEO JIN WHOOOOOO? This just got interesting for me.
I’m out right now you don’t usually post at this time but will read the moment I get home I can’t wait
I didn’t get notified wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Reading now
This feels so real. I relate on so many levels. Can you share more about your short relationship with Seo? Thank you. Love you.
Yes please Mama :-))))
This!!!!! ❤️
Was I the only one having issues with the link? Even on IG. Your posts don’t show up. Where can I get notifications ? Thank you ❤️
Sometimes this happens to me. She’s been consistent on social so I just come to check and trust she’ll be here 😂😂😂 Also I have my email notifications on. It’s a little annoying but worth it ❤️❤️
Yes. Also IG notifications but it’s a little annoying at times lol
Me too. Every single time.
No. I get email notifications. Sometimes the issue is with IG for me.
IG didn’t show me but I also got an email from the site.
Great read but now I have so many questions. I emailed you. Can you lmk if you’re willing to discuss? about MBJ too 🙂 Thank you and I love you so much.
Loved this Faiza. Thank you for staying so consistent. Your hard work is so inspiring
First of all LOVE FROM KOREA. Secondly why aren’t we getting more about Seo Jinn? I need more. Can we hear about a date? Maythe first one or one that you remember most? Just an idea. I know you can’t change what you wrote but maybe for the future.
I don’t like this SJ guy.
I’m here every Saturday. Love this journal. Thank you for sharing with us 🙂 If you’re ever in LA please let me know. There’s so many penguins here who would love to meet you and sit down to talk.
Three boyfriends in your entire life? Now I feel awful lol You’re so precious mushallah.
Me on the 30th lol
Girl I just wrote this comment. My number is 24. Not counting crushes lmfaooooo
Don’t share yur number. It’s haram. Let her carry the sin of sharing herself with three guys alone. Gross.
Was Seo Jin Muslim? I love Korean Muslims.
I have the same question. Would love to know more.
I run from all the problems I have in life lol. I applaud you for facing all the sht. Keep writing. I’m enjoying.
I feel the same way. I’m hoping to get more inspiration to cut off from a lot of toxic things in my life and toxic people
I need moreeeee. Let’s go
Thank you for being consistent with this. I look forward to these posts every Sat 🙂
Uve had 3 partners while I’m on my 24th lol #noshame
🤐 I’m not ashamed of my number though
3 guys? Really. You’re disgutsing
Fuck off dude.
Who are you?
Eww. You’re disgusting dude
You Angel ❤️❤️❤️
I want to see you so happy and in love ❤️
More more more.
I def have so much solar plexus chakra work to do. Every time you post I get this feeling I need to get on that 😂😂 It’s so hard tho 🥹🥹❤️
I didn’t get notified 😢 It’s so inspiring how you’re chasing your publicly chasing your dreams. Appreciate your hard word and dedication to this new venture. Ive been following for 6 yrs. I have so much faith in you ❤️❤️❤️
This might sound stupid but I feel like I fall for every guy I meet. How do I get more selective about the guys I bring into my life like you?
I’d really love to know more about your writing journey. I can see you in Hollywood and would love to see you do so much with writing. Acting and comedy are your thing. love following your journey.
You deserve the world 🥹❤️
I have to wait till next Sat for you to explore 😫 Mama 😭❤️
You’re exactly what Hollywood needs from Muslims. We need you so much. I’m so inspired by you and your fight. Been here since 2018 and I’m such a fan. Keep going. I’m excited for the weekly ride and seeing all your recent posts on social media. Can’t wait to see you talking live or on YouTube. Love you ❤️❤️❤️
Pan and MBJ are not the same guy??
Didn’t get notified about any of your new posts. So annoyed
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