Anticipating. My mind could do nothing else, but anticipate…not only the New Year ahead, but the way in which I was going to celebrate it. I had never been out of my house to celebrate New Year’s Eve. Every year, since I could remember, I had celebrated New Year’s Eve with my eldest sister in front of the television. We would sit there in our pajamas, with our mother and father, who almost always went to bed before the clock stuck midnight, anxiously awaiting the New Year.
When my father passed away, my sister and I began to dress up. My mom was always okay with it, because well, we were in doors. So, my sister and I would dress to impress- the TV. Our hair was always made up, our makeup on fleek, and heels on. We would then sit in front of the T.V. and watch the festivities going on in New York City, via Telemundo, Dick Clark, and of course, our hometown of Chicago. My mom wouldn’t dress up, but she would watch the festivities with us, until she made her way to sleep, which was normally before midnight. When my sister and I would say goodnight to my mom, that’s when the real indoor party-of-two began.
We would dance until the countdown, and then into the New Year with everyone on T.V. wishing that one day we could celebrate the same way they did. We would talk about our dreams of having a partner that would take us to a New Year’s Eve party, where we would wear a beautiful dress, dance the night away, and see the beautiful fireworks show. Only this time, I was going to have that wish fulfilled.
I couldn’t help but feel guilty about breaking an almost twenty-year tradition, and leaving my sister behind, but her support in wanting me to experience the night with the man I loved, made me feel a bit better, although the guilt was still very much there. I only felt that guilt disappear when she and my mom decided to ring in the New Year over dinner in Greektown. I went from feeling guilty, to being extremely happy knowing that it was my going out for New Year’s Eve, that had inspired both my mom and sister to get out of the house on New Year’s night, for the first time in- well…EVER!
Now, although my mom knew I was going to Navy Pier to ring in the New Year with Pan and friends, she didn’t know that Pan and I had booked a hotel room that we would be staying at alone, something that had become a past time for the two of us. Instead, Pan’s friend, Eddy who was going to be celebrating the night with us, asked his wife Avril, to call my mom to sell the lie. Avril’s understanding and willingness to do this, made me like her instantly. As MusRab’s themselves, they knew the struggles faced by the women to live their life as freely as many others, especially for a MusRab girl like myself considering that I wasn’t married to Pan. My mom trusted me, which only made me feel like shit. I mean it’s an awful thing to lie to someone who trusts you so blindly because you’ve always walked the straight and narrow. She may not have approved of my dating Pan, but she tried to reason that the two of us were getting married, if only to swallow the pill better. But she wouldn’t have approved or even justified everything else I was doing. But what choice did I have? I was tired of the straight and narrow. I wanted a little zig zag.
So, there I was, New Year’s Eve zig zagging through town in the back of a taxi that pulled up to my hotel like a bat out of Hell. Pan was already settled in, so I made my way to the room, and as I walked in, Pan lifted me into the air causing my overnight bag to fall.
“2014 baby!” He said with more excitement than I had ever seen him have. “This is our year.”
I couldn’t help but be as excited as Pan was. We had made it through hell since meeting and a new year was now upon us, giving us the new start, we needed to truly begin a fresh page.
“I’m looking forward to this year more than any other year of my life,” I said to Pan who gently placed me back on the ground.
“I got everything we need for tonight right on that table behind you.”
On the table was a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, half a dozen cans of Red Bull, and a few perfectly rolled blunts.
I had never touched liquor or marijuana before Pan, but I can’t say I minded the latter more than the former. Liquor wasn’t enjoyable to me. I had tried some during our trip to Los Angeles and it didn’t sit well, but I knew Pan was going to want to drink and he was also going to insist that I do the same and I didn’t know how to say no to him.
“What time should we start getting ready?” I asked.
“It’s five now and Eddy and Avril won’t be here until about six, so maybe six thirty because we’re gonna get there about eight?”
“Then I’ll start getting ready now,” I said.
“Babe that’s way too early.”
“Makeup takes two hours, and then getting into my dress and final touch ups, will have me ready exactly at eight.”
“It takes that long?”
“Yeah babe. Don’t you want me to look beautiful?”
“You already look beautiful,” he said wrapping his arm around my waist. “Damn babe, your waist is so small.”
“I’m small babe, in case you haven’t noticed.”
“Not that ass if you know what I’m sayin,” he said laughing. “And I love how small your waist is,” he added with a kiss on my neck. Pan was as frisky and horny as ever, but I had one focus: look fabulous for New Year’s Eve and then make time for intimacy.
“I need to start getting ready,” I said moving him back.
“Don’t do this to me,” Pan nagged falling to his knees.
“Oh my God, don’t be such a baby, I’m getting ready,” I said skipping over to the bathroom.
“I have to take a shower you know?”
“Then can you take it now, so I can have the bathroom?”
“I’ll just take it while you’re in there.”
“No babe, the steams gonna ruin my makeup. Just take it now,” I said.
“Fine,” Pan said making his way to the bathroom where he turned on the shower and began singing Sherry,a Four Seasons song I had introduced him to during our many car rides.
I made my way to the window to peer out at the beautiful city of Chicago. Snow was on the ground, which made the thought of walking in heels a nightmare, yet the view was enough to make any heel lover forget that and focus solely on the beauty of just how still the city looked. There was something about the moment, as I stood there, with Pan’s awful singing in the background. I leaned against the window and began to really think about all the possibilities that lay ahead for Pan and I in the upcoming year.
What adventures would we go on? What places would we see, things we would experience, chapters we would write? Suddenly, it dawned on me, heavier than the blanket of snow on the bustling city below, what had happened to me? Where was I in that year? Had I forgotten the things I wanted to do with my life? The dreams I wanted to see come to fruition? The plans I had set for myself? Where were those thoughts? Those goals? Those resolutions? I was so busy hoping, wishing, and anticipating the future with Pan, that I had stopped thinking of myself. I don’t know if I truly knew what my life was like without him anymore. Plans for myself almost always included him. Yet I knew I needed to remember me in my own life. Even if I didn’t want to imagine it without him. So, I made my way over to the desk in the room and found some hotel notepads and a pen and I began writing down my resolutions.
My resolutions were conventional and unconventional at the same time: I wanted to write a book based off my blog at that time 51 Fridays, but I was willing to let God guide me where He may. I was now interested in sharing my journey, of finding true love in the unconventional way, since MusRab girls aren’t suppose to date.I believed I had found ‘The One,’ in Pan, and so I wanted to share that journey with the world, but first, I knew I had to marry him; and so, “Get engaged to Pan,” was added to the list as-well. Pan was making all the right moves to get stable in a job and get his finances in order, but more importantly than anything, he was making changes within himself, which made me believe wholeheartedly, that an engagement would undeniably happen.
I also wanted to get my health better, being that I was constantly suffering with migraines at least 5-6 times a week and constant nasal and throat infections that would lead to lung infections or worse…pneumonia.I knew the better my health got, the more I would be able to help others with their relationships, which had at that time, become a hobby for me. It could only help me better write on the subject I loved so much, which in turn would help me even more when I got my book published- of this I was certain.
However, I wanted one resolution above all else: I wanted the ability to forgive myself for the guilt I carried with my father. I didn’t make things easy for him. I knew he wanted to see me married, to become a doctor, and to have a family with as stainless a reputation as my own. But that wasn’t me and because of that we fought all the time, rarely talked, and I would many times disagree with him or throw out hurtful remarks just to hurt him because I wanted him to feel what I felt. He hurt me, so I would hurt him and until the day I sat writing those resolutions, I couldn’t forgive myself for that, nor could I forgive him for having led me down that path. The angrier I got with my father, the more I hated myself. The more I hated myself, the more I accepted the things that were unacceptable in my life.
But it wasn’t only the past that haunted me, it was the present situation I found myself in, dating Pan; something I knew very well my father would never in a million years have approved of. The guilt was overhwleming at times and I knew I wanted this to end. I needed this to end. So, I underlined this resolution above all else, because I knew that if I could be free of those emotions, then maybe I could be free to truly live my life.
So, I promised that 2014 would be that year, not only for Pan, but for me. For me!
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