Dear Faiza,
I can already hear your voice in my head giving me the answer, but please, I need #TheHardTruth. Me and my ex broke up a few months ago. The relationship wasn’t really bad. We stopped talking for a while we started talking again this past week, and the convo has been going really well. He doesn’t want to have a relationship again at all but just be friends. I don’t know if I can just be his friend, but I also would be happier having him there than not having him in my life. But there’s a part of me that says, idk; this is off. I’m confused. Please help and give me #TheHardTruth
Love,
Dana
Dear Dana,
I’m sorry you’re facing this. Let me give you #TheHardTruth you need to help you make a logical decision here. Too often, I’ve seen daters make decisions based on emotions, often leading to poor outcomes, for example, wanting to remain friends or being on friendly terms with an ex.
Holding onto an ex is like driving a car while looking in the rearview mirror. You might be okay with it at first until you crash.
#TheHardTruth is that being friends with an ex is rarely a good idea.
What I’ve learned in sixteen years of working with daters is that unless you have shared responsibilities like children (fur babies included), property, or a business, there’s no valid reason to stay in touch or be friends with an ex. Beriod! Even many of those individuals wish they never had to have contact with their ex.
Especially when there are lingering feelings and pain involved as there is with you, in which case trying to maintain a friendship is not the path to healing. The point is to break the emotional attachment. I know you want to keep the door open, but the point is to close it for good to heal and grow, not to stay stagnant or fall into toxic cycles.
Never mind how it cripples you from finding love with any other man. Men willing to accept your attachment to your past come few and far between, if at all (and vice versa). Nor should they have to! Also, there are ex’s who, unfortunately, may intentionally provide detrimental advice concerning potential prospects, exploiting your friendship and trust.
Cloaking their toxic advice with feelings of jealousy or insecurity.
Proving that the past is best left in the past.
Oddly, though, we live in a world where we’ve convinced ourselves that holding onto the past is a sign of maturity. It’s not! There’s nothing mature about holding onto the past and refusing to accept “The End,” all in the name of “we get along” or “it would be weird to cut them off.”
Maturity is in accepting the natural process of life- that everything has a beginning, middle, and end. That when you face ‘The End,’ you allow yourself to cherish and mourn the memories and connection you shared with that person, and then you heal and move on. All doors closed.
Goodbye, SUCKS! I can’t scream that loud enough! I appreciate how hard this is for you. Truly. Yet #TheHardTruth is that it’s a necessary part of life, Dana. A natural process to lessons learned and self-growth.
Close the door and ask yourself:
- What did that relationship teach me?
- What won’t I tolerate in my next relationship?
- What did this relationship teach me about the kind of man I want and don’t want?
- What aspects of myself am I going to change or cherish about who I am the next time around?
These are some of the questions you need to be asking yourself as you close the door to your ex. No friendship. No attachments.
Just the natural process of moving forward with lessons learned to get you closer not only to yourself but to ‘The One.’
I hope this helps you, Dana. Sending you so much love and light.
Stay FABULOUS!!!
Faiza
Only youre still working on 4th of July 😂 Totally agree Nothing to get from exs. I enjoy the conversation for a while but you’re right about when you meet someone new they won’t approve of your ex. My bf didn’t so I said goodbye to the ex. Best decision ❤️❤️❤️
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Dear Faiza
I read your post about holding onto an ex and was inspired to ask: What about holding onto someone who won’t leave? I’ve been in a somewhat relationship for 5 years. I guess you can call it a situation ship but labeling it as such embarrasses me. We were friends for 3 years before and I was way out of his league but ended up giving in because I loved how innocent and caring he was. The first year of the relationship was wonderful. It wasn’t until he decided to bring up the conversation of getting engaged to me to his parents that everything began to go downhill. His mother completely refused the idea of me. She despises me. I’ve never met or interacted with her. I was friends with his sister and when she found out about us she also blocked me out. Apparently his cousin had told his parents that I’m a whore and that he slept with me, but that never happened. The cousin did try to get into my life but was refused multiple times. I had been raped several years before and he knew that, I don’t lie. But he never stood up to me at the time. We decided to break it off. But no contact wasn’t a thing. We continued talking and hanging out. He would visit our home and hang out with my family. My mother loved him because I was happier around him. But when she found out his mother’s stance. She also began to not like him. Anyhow. It’s been 5 years that we are acted like we are in a relationship, exclusively. But when I ask him what we are. He says friends, because we can never be together. We both haven’t dated or given a chance to other people. And now 5 years later. He’s almost done with pharmacy school, Mr law school, I still don’t know what to do. I tried to do no contact. It lasted 2 months and then he kept calling me from fake numbers on my birthday and we rekindled. And now I don’t know what to do. The problem is. In the years after his conversation with his parents, he began to change with me. Like he knew this was never going anywhere so he stopped taking my feelings into consideration. The bigger problem is that I have a feeling that even if he proposes, there’s a 50% chance that I’ll say no. How do you move on from that? And how weak does this make me???
Dear faiza
I hope you read this and give me the #THEHARDTRUTH my best friend the person I call best friend started dating the guy I went out on a date with and liked and she hid it from me, iam not sure how I feel about this point, my mind says she is fake and she is not your real friend but yet iam very scared to let go of this friendship I’ve created. She does and says things that hurt my feelings at times makes me sad and feel less of myself, she acts like she’s really pretty and iam nothing comparing to her. Faiza please help me figure out what I should do.
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