Welcome To Expired N Fabulous!


For anyone who has followed my blog 51 Fridays, you all know that my father went on a mission to get me married before I reached my marriage expiration date–twenty-five. This is the age Arabs have labeled as “The Day It All Ends” for women. An un-married woman in our culture is looked at worse than a serial killer. Of course, I expired while my father was still alive, which pissed him off beyond belief. Expired N Fabulous follows my journey to find Mr. Right , while taking matters into my own hands, because my family has yet to find any man I’d want to marry. Instead, it’s men they find agreeable and I don’t.

Of course this consistent attempt to marry me off to men of their choosing is exactly the reason I am now expired and un-married. But, not once have I ever been asked what I’m looking for in a man. My family has always taken the lead on the subject, but not anymore. With my father’s family gone (for the time being), I’m going to attempt to find the man I’m interested in marrying all on my own before they return to Chicago and hijack my love life.

So here I am: twenty-seven years old, un-married, still single, and not exactly ready to mingle. I am looking for love, but the probability of that happening now that I am officially BEYOND my expiration date is highly unlikely. It won’t be easy, especially since I’ve depended on my father, uncles, aunt, cousins, hell even the guy who bags my groceries at the corner store, to find a husband for me. But, I’m willing to take the chance if it means falling in love the way that Jane Austen characters do. I’m looking for true love, the sparkle, if it still exists, which I’m sure that it does. And what’s a marriage without sparkle.

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A New Year typically suggests a new beginning, a new start that somehow leads to meeting new people. I didn’t think I would be swamped with proposals from parents, cousins, friends, etc. who wanted me to meet their son, cousin, brother, uncle, etc. of marrying age, that I wouldn’t even have time to write, let alone take a selfie, but alas that has become my life.

Every time I meet one of these well-intentioned people, the conversation always starts the very same way: they want me to meet their eligible handsome young man who’s looking for a “good girl” and they believe that we would be the perfect match. I was able to dodge some invitations after seeing the rather unflattering pictures that already produced blatant lies. What I mean is that I was told one guy was thirty three years old but when I saw his picture, he looked like he had been sitting front and center at the first Beetles Concert. No relationships should ever start with a lie but it seemed that some of these guys and their families were shamelessly spewing a shit load of them. Didn’t they think I would notice? Don’t they have any pride?

But nonetheless, there was one meeting that stood out and got my attention. Perhaps it was because it was the most recent, or perhaps it was because it was weird as hell. Whatever the case, I found myself on a Saturday afternoon, having to Skype a man that I was told, “Could make you very happy and be the man of your dreams.” It was useless to tell them that the man of my dreams had recently become a man like Christopher Reeves in Somewhere in Time, and so I met him… sorta…

The first two attempts to Skype my “dream man” were unsuccessful, which was unfortunate since I was actually eager to see what he looked like. I had yet to see a picture of the man my cousin was certain would be my husband. However, since she was on a bridal mission, the fact that she didn’t have a picture was a little strange considering that even my grandfather, who was born and raised in Palestine, had two selfies from 1960. However, I do like surprises, and so I only hoped that this might be one of those moments in my life that I could be happily surprised by a man who might sweep me off my feet. And so I was patient and I tried my best to feel excited. It wasn’t easy. Trust me.

After several attempts, we were finally connected and it was at that moment that the picture of my “future husband” finally materialized and then, I wished it hadn’t. He wasn’t attractive. He also wasn’t thirty one. He and the “thirty three” year old I mentioned earlier must have shared seats at that very Beetles concert. I wanted to disconnect, but I decided that I might at least give him fifteen minutes so it would appear that I at least tried, and then I would disconnect and carry on with my day. One minute into the call and after all formalities were exchanged Hassan, the “thirty one year old” man began to ask me very random and kind of odd questions:

  1. Do you watch music videos a lot on YouTube?
  2. How many hookah lounges have you been to in the past week?
  3. Do you watch WWE?

“World Wrestling Entertainment,” he clarified, although I needed no clarification. I had been watching wrestling since I was young and besides, it was called the World Wrestling Federation. But Hassan’s love for wrestling went in a direction that bordered on bizarre. I mean he didn’t ask me any personal question before the wrestling figurines started popping up on his side of the Skype.

“This was the first Hulk Hogan action figure I got signed,” he said placing it right in front of the camera taking me aback. I was almost sure it was going to come through the computer.

“Oh wow!” I exclaimed with fake enthusiasm. The last thing I wanted was to be Skyping a man who I was not physically attracted to, a man that had a fourteen year old infatuation with wrestling action figures and a collector’s mentality. Then he proudly, took me to his room (via Skype that is) and showed me his walls covered with John Cena, Triple H, and several Ray Mistero masks. I knew the guy wasn’t thirty one, by his physical appearance, but I actually started questioning just how old he was mentally. It didn’t help that he was adamant about having a room of his own room dedicated to all of his wrestling figurines, chairs that he collected from Pay Per View events, belts, masks, etc.

After an hour of listening to Hassan talk to me about all his wrestling adventures and collections,–yawn! –he finally asked me what I was looking for in a man. My initial thought was, “Everything you’re not!” but instead I told him I was looking for a man I could feel connected with; someone who is romantic and knows the true meaning of chivalry and how to treat a woman; a man who’s family oriented and successful. I am looking for a man who knows what he wants out of life and will figure out a way to do it even if he doesn’t just yet know how; a man who’s smart, funny, and intent on making his mark in the world–without wrestling toys to keep him company. Clearly, everything he did not seem to be.

I looked at the time and I couldn’t believe that we had been Skyping for thirty two minutes. I felt that I gave him more than a chance to make a good impression but by now I was done. I cordially said that I had to go because I had to cook dinner. Yes I was aware that it was only 2:47pm, but I could have been making grape leaves for all he knew. That takes a good few hours. Anyway, he didn’t really seem sorry to see me go. Maybe it was because of my lack of interests in his toys collection, chairs and Halloween masks, but whatever may be the case, it seem that the feeling was mutual and so it didn’t shock me that my entire weekend played out without hearing from any member of his family or that my cousin just dropped the subject.

That was until I sat down to write this very entry.

Matchmaking Girlfriend: OMG maybe things didn’t work out with H but I just met this guy at Orland Square who saw your pic on my phone and wants to meet you.

 Me: How the hell did he see my pic on YOUR phone?

 Matchmaking Girlfriend: That’s the best part. I was n idiot n I dropped my phone n he picked it up.

Me: So how did he see my picture? I’m confused.

 Matchmaking Girlfriend: From the wallpaper picture on my phone. N he’s super super cute wallah. He’s tall n fit and he obviously has money cause he had on a Movado watch. U have to meet him. I think he’s the one. N he was really into u. I think it was love at first site. Seriously!

Welcome to World Marriage Entertainment Folks… Let the writing begin.

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