6:27 am, the room was flooded with sunlight, and I could hear the birds chirping, announcing that it was time to start yet another day. I was waking up to ‘Day 2’ of completely disconnecting from social media without a fucking word and starting the journey of reconnecting with myself. The temptation to check social media, mainly Instagram and Snap, to check out what was new, things I was beginning to realize were unhealthy for me. It was becoming all too clear as to why I was being guided to get the fuck off my phone and these apps and reconnect with myself.
Then I remembered MBJ and his Snap message.
“You need to delete Snap NOW!” I said out loud as I rolled over, reaching for my phone and accidentally dropping it BOOM on the floor. The sound was enough to pull my nearly dead ass out of bed.
“The fuck!” I said, scolding myself. “What’s wrong with you? You don’t know how to grab a fucking phone. Idiot!”
My self-talk is horrible. Has been for years, and no matter how hard I’ve tried, it just got meaner and more degrading. The Haram Police has spent years putting me through the floor without ever considering (or caring) that I might already be there.
When I plopped back into bed and adjusted my eyes to look at my phone, I saw it…
1 MISSED CALL – MBJ
My body reacted by releasing the phone from my grip and hitting me SMACK in the face.
What a fucking morning this was turning out to be.
I know what you’re thinking. “Why didn’t you block him?” Well, I thought the same thing. But I never felt I had a reason to. Even if, at that moment, I wished I had, for old fucks sake. You see, MBJ and I didn’t end in the toxic manner that would require blocking. Neither of us was unfaithful; we hadn’t disrespected each other, grown bored, or anything like that. MBJ was perfect. The relationship was, for the most part, everything a girl could ever want.
It was me. Cliche perhaps, but true. I realized at some point that I came from a very different world than MBJ, and that no matter how many times I tried to make him understand mine, it would never happen until I found my own place in it. Yet even when we tried to blend our worlds, life always found a way to drive us apart. Signs neither of us could argue after a while.
My shock quickly shifted to annoyance when I realized MBJ didn’t leave a message.
Of course.
“I mean, why the fuck would he? That would only make my life easier, and why would that happen? When would that ever happen to me?” I ranted away later on to my best and only friend outside of family, who we’ll call Cardi.
I’ve never been a girl who had a lot of friends. I used to be embarrassed by that fact until I spent more than enough time around snakes. That’s when you come to realize you’re truly blessed in life if you have that one friend that’s true blue and honest.
“Are you going to call him back,” Cardi asked as we enjoyed our Portillo’s salad’s parked at our usual hangout spot. A tradition we’ve kept for eight years now.
“No!” I said sternly.
We both just looked at each other for a second before literally busting out laughing. My dumb ass almost choking on my chopped salad. Knowing there are many times I’ve caved.
“Some doors are better left closed. Isn’t that what you always tell me?” Cardi asked.
“You know I really need to quit my job!” I replied. We both laughed even harder. “But let’s be honest; you can’t blame me for being curious. I mean, why’s he calling? What does he want? If he saw me, why didn’t he just approach and talk to me like a grown man?”
“Maybe ’cause your ass went running like a mature adult.” Cardi blurted out sarcastically.
“Point taken,” I replied.
“He saw you looking good, and he wants another round when you both know it’s never going to work. That’s the beginning, middle, and end of this pointless saga.”
“Damn! Tell me how you really feel,” I joked, trying not to feel too much of the burn coming from Cardi’s truthful words.
“You never healed from MBJ. You just went on with your life.”
She wasn’t lying. I felt putting my heart into survival mode would be the only way I could handle everything else coming at me in my life. I immersed myself in work— as much as I could mentally handle. Turns out that’s a lot until burnout hits, and it turns into NOTHING. A complete shutdown. Then round and round again.
“Don’t act like you don’t know exactly why that shit crashed and burned,” she added.
“I know.”
I did. I was and have always been very aware once my eyes have been opened, and no matter how hard I try to close them again and believe the delusions we feed ourselves every day, I can’t. Believe me; I’ve tried. Oh God, how I’ve tried.
“He’s so weird,” Cardi added. “It’s done. Let it go. Besides, why’s he up at that time anyway?”
“Why was I up?” I asked with a laugh.
“Cause you’re a fucked up fallen angel.”
“Oh, is that it?” I asked as we both laughed.
“Don’t get distracted. That’s what MBJ is. A distraction.”
Was Cardi right? Was this all a distraction? Maybe even a test? God’s way of seeing if I’d take the bait. See how far I’ve actually come from the woman who claims to have grown so much?
I didn’t find my answers that night, even after a big-ass blunt shared between Cardi and me. Hell, I didn’t even find them after my Zoom call with Tahani the following afternoon. You know, the client who requested I dress as Sufyan so she can practice communicating like an adult with her boyfriend, Bashir? The one I’m in no way, shape, or form getting into here right now. The point is by the end of the call; she had convinced herself logic was best put to the shitter and, instead, she would go cold on Bashir. NO CONTACT.
Despite my particular circumstance with MBJ, I disagreed with Tahani and clarified my argument.
“There’s nothing worse than hitting a boyfriend with silence. It’s downright WRONG! Beriod!” I said to her.
Eventually, Tahani and I ended our Zoom call feeling more navigated and maybe even a little less petty, although we’ll have to wait another week to see how that all plays out.
Yet tell me why I couldn’t help but feel petty myself for ignoring MBJ. Okay… maybe it wasn’t pettiness. Maybe it was curiosity. Maybe even a desire to reach out. To hear his voice. To know what he wanted to say.
Somehow, I felt it would be a great idea to sit around and read old text convos between MBJ and me and listen to our old voice notes. One stood out the most. I had started feeling really self-conscious about the way I look. Social media and the constant knit picking about my looks and body had started taking its toll, and I’d said to MBJ:
“I kinda wish I looked different.”
To which he quickly responded with:
“What??? How so?”
“My nose is big. I’m way too skinny. My lips look like a platypus, and my neck looks like a fucken giraffe’s. I mean, let’s be real, I don’t look like,” I continued, mentioning the names of women I sat around comparing myself to as if there’s ever any point in that.
MBJ tried to FaceTime me, but I was too self-conscious to answer and so a few minutes later, he recorded a video and sent it to me. The beginning had him flashing his almost-perfect smile and saying:
“Babe, I don’t want a filtered or fake girlfriend,” he said. “I want what I see in front of me. I love your big nose and platypus lips. Your weight is perfect for me, and giraffes are my favorite animal. I love you as you are. I’d be upset if you changed any part of that. Honestly!”
This memory, and so many others from MBJ, raced through my mind for hours.
Night fell, and you know once that happens, all bets are off when it comes to any broken hearts, and I was realizing that Cardi was right; mine had yet to heal from MBJ. It was still healing from so many things. Things I’ll talk about later here. Hearts like that do stupid shit.
My want to reply to MBJ turned to a need really quick, and somewhere between the land of Dumbass’ery and ‘Fuck’ville,’ I, Faiza, went into Snapchat and replied to MBJ’s message that read, “Did you cut your hair?”
My reply:
“I did. How are you? Long time no hear.”
I pressed send, and MBJ’s Bitmoji immediately appeared at the bottom of the screen. We were on at the same time.
I FROZE. Literally. As if he could see me. I mean, he sort of could. His fucking Snapchat Bitmoji was just sitting there watching me.
I got out of the chat and waited a minute, kind of wishing I hadn’t cut out, although I’m not sure what the fuck standing there would have done besides make things even more awkward.
I knew I shouldn’t have replied. Everything that’s in me knew it. If this was a test, I had failed miserably!
“Why didn’t you leave the door closed?” I argued with myself. “You’re so stupid!”
A minute turned to ten, and ten minutes turned to an hour. Curiosity peaked again, and I re-opened our chat.
HE WAS STILL THERE! Or at least his fucking Bitmoji was.
What in the actual fuck!!!
Suddenly, he disappeared. An indication he’d closed out the chat.
Can this night get any more embarrassing?
Just then… he logged back in while I was still in the chat.
Yup! The night CAN get more embarrassing.
There we were again. Two cartoon avatars just staring at one another. Neither said a word. The clock in my head got louder and louder.
Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.
Haven’t even read yet just need to stop by and say AHHHHHHHH
Yallahhhhh
Faiza are you serious right now???? What tf happened next? You really making me carry this anxiety for another week? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????😫😫😫😫
Really Faiza? 🤦🏽♀️ I’m crying rn.
Me too😭😭
Waiting for the next!!!
faizaaaaaaaaaaaa whyyyyy?
No you didn’t just reply to this guy
NOOOOOO! I’m crying.
Can we know if it was religion that kept you guys from being together? I’m dealing with the same thing and it breaks me. I relate so much to this. You’re my soul sister ❤️❤️❤️
I’m wondering the same!
The curiosity always kills the cat, and this car came outta the bag singing 😻
Still hooked and annoyed 😂😂
not me screaming at my phone. NO FAIZA!! Why??? Can’t wait until next week.
Girl that curiosity is goin always get you
Hoooked!!! Pleaseeee don’t make us wait a week!
AAAAH!!!! not another cliffhanger 😩😅😅
I could literally feel the second hand embarrassment bubbling as I read those last few sentences!! Whyyy faiza whyyy
GIIIIIIIIIIIRLLLLLL…. Oh my god I need to know the rest of this fucking story!!!!
Oh the horror…
I’m embarrassed for you gf. Love you but yikes 😂😂😂
Been there. Why do we do this to ourselves? 🫣
I need more MBJ details.
Wait a min. You did what now?? Oh mama no 😂😂😂 Cznt wait to read more. Hurry up.
These cliffhangers 😫😫😫😫😫I’m screaming
Why reply??? You would be screaming at us right now. Faizaaaaa 😂😂😂😂
Not my gay ass jealous of this MBJ trick 😂
We need more about MBJ and what happened where. Come on now. I’m desperate over here. Who is this guy? How did you hide this relationship so good? Was that the goal? Ya gir is struggling mama
Love love love and those pics on your IG 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
Okay. Ready for more
Never read a personal blog in my life! Does this for the first time and instantly regrets it!! Coomeeee on please dont leave us wanting more 😭
What????
I need answers. This is too much Fayza 😂
I need more now!!
Too good ❤️
Girl you can’t leave us with so many questions. I second everything everyone says here and your writing is so good. I feel like you’re a modern day Jane Austen. I don’t see Carrie Bradshaw ❤️
MBJ is annoying me sorry
I need a woman like you? Women nowadays are too scared to be vulnerable. Your fearless 😍
This is probably gana sound weird but I’d want to be your ex just to read all the beautiful things you say about me 😂😂😂 I love how you see love and feelings
THIS is was I’m feeling right now. What’s wrong with us 😂😂😂
I love this section because I can be private unlike on instagram. I hate how everyone knows what we like and how we feel over there. I love privacy and I respect you so much to give us that too. Thank you
Side eye Faiza. Side eye
Been following you for years now. Still a mystery to me. I’m loving this. Just too good 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Gimme gimme more
Love your vibe. You feel like a long distance friend ❤️
So happy you posted. Reading now
Annoyed af rn Mama. Nooooooo 😂😂😂
Your collar bones are perfect.
More MBJ details are needed for me to decide if I like this guy or not lol
You know I hope you both get married I feel it would be the only way to fix your broken heart and heal you completely to have him permanently if he changes in the way you want him to and he would need to willingly change by himself for both of you to work
And faiza if this is your duaa don’t give up on it Inshallah God heals you and answers your prayers
Laughing so hard. Too relatable. Can’t wait to read more
Am speechless.. everything about this gives me chills..
Thank u.. miss u so much.. your writing skills wow!
Love u can’t wait for the next one!
Is this part 2! How can I find part 1 !! Am so sad😭
Can you write a book so we can read all these in one place? Please. Thank you. Love you so much
I need more
Your writing is so captivating that I’m tuning in again so you can send a freaking text 😂😂😂
Counting down. Saturdayyyyy
It’s almost Sat <3
Looking forward to reading more. Great blog.Much thanks again. Keep writing.
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