Dear Faiza,
Please read this. I have no one to talk to or anyone who would understand like you. I want to start finding Mr.Right but I have guilt and insecurities about if I’ll find a Muslim guy who will actually accept my past. As much as I want to get out there and set that goal it haunts me every day. How do I get past this? Do I lie? Won’t I look guilty or bad if I say I don’t want to talk about my past? Please give me #TheHardTruth.
Dear Conflicted Dater,
I’m so excited to hear you’re eager to venture into the dating world once again. The journey to find love is a magical one that every human being can embark on, provided they approach it the right way. It’s important to note that there’s absolutely a right and wrong way to date. Allow me to share one of those wrong approaches with you.
One word: Oversharing
That one word has destroyed more relationships than I can ever tell you. The belief that you can sit down and spill your past, pains, fears, etc, with anyone who listens is a misguided belief, to say the least. More times than not, the person you are spilling your guts out to is the wrong person. Either they’re fucking freaked out by it, or you come across someone who disregards or belittles your feelings/experiences or, worse, someone who judges and uses them as ammunition against you.
I’ve seen the results of oversharing and how many daters (mostly women) have mentally, emotionally, and physically spiraled due to oversharing with the wrong person, whether it be family, friends, or an intimate partner.
The sad but hard truth is that most daters are completely unaware of who the fuck they are.
That’s especially true for Muslim daters who often struggle with self-awareness and navigating the complexities of dating since it’s such a taboo for us. One of the many things my sixteen years of professional work and research have shown me that unfortunately, most daters are unaware not only of who they are but how the fuck to date.
It’s seen through their inability to understand or communicate their feelings, constant tirades, avoidance of resolving conflicts, and, of course: oversharing.
It’s why I completely understand why Allah (SWT) advises Muslims NOT to share their past with anyone. That includes your mother, father, siblings, friends, and even your husband/wife. This isn’t to build a Burj Khalifa between you and others, but rather He knows human beings tend to be judgemental. Of course, not all human beings are judgemental, mind you, but rather this is His way of encouraging you to think long and hard, and I mean LONGGG and HARDDD, about who you open your heart to. Who you share the pains of your past with. Who you decide to let into those most vulnerable places of your life.
Remember, trust is earned.
When you meet a Muslim man, and he’s earned the right to know about your past (whatever that might be), then– if you choose- you share it with him. Everything is your choice, and you’ll decide better the more selective you are about what you share and with who. If you choose to keep it private or take your time to unravel the past, a man will understand. Men don’t perceive privacy as guilt but rather what is it-a woman respecting her boundaries and herself. And what guilt is there to be felt in that? That’s to be respected, honored, and appreciated, and it will be by the right man. A fuckboy is the one who judges. Remember that!
Also, you need to learn to forgive yourself for your past. Most of the sins women feel they carry have to do with shishkebbabing and I can’t scream enough how this moral prison needs to be burned down. Not to be replaced with promiscuity, mind you, but rather logic. The logic that ALL human beings make mistakes. We make choices in our life, and not every choice is a good one, and that’s okay! Rather than shame ourselves, we need to learn to accept them and take the lesson learned to grow our character. To do and be better. Beriod!
Lastly…
Never forget the healing power of prayer. Cliche, perhaps, but another truth! Allah’s door is always wide open to a heart willing to repent. Why not choose Him to be the one you open up to? The one you seek validation and understanding from. Not any human being who’s as faulted as you, if not more so.
Turn to Him and watch how the walls around you begin to crumble, and the fear of finding a Muslim man who will understand your past when he’s proven himself worthy and deserving of knowing that past seems unfounded. A man who won’t judge you because you no longer judge yourself!
You’ve got this!
Stay FABULOUS!!!
Faiza
Faiza…. This helps so much faiza. Thank you. Yes. Thank you.
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