I hope you can help me with a dilemma that I’ve been going through for nearly 2 years. I’ll start from the beginning, right after I graduated from high school I went to study abroad on a scholarship. I stayed there for 2 years and, during that time, I met a guy. He is pretty amazing and was the best thing about my whole experience there. But, unfortunately, my major in college and what I was studying wasn’t really my cup of tea. I started to dislike my major. So I was actually thinking of changing it, however, the college I was attending didn’t have the major I wanted and I had to move. I mentioned this to my family and they encouraged me to move to America because my siblings were there studying and so the transition would be easier for me . I liked the fact that I’d be able to study for a major I actually liked and have a smooth transition to a different country, but that would also mean I would have to leave this guy who I liked very much and is my best friend. I decided that it’s best to put my education first so I did just that. I never thought I would be this upset at leaving him. I felt like I also hurt him so bad that he actually cried in front of me at one point. It was so painful for the both of us. We Skype almost everyday but still he doesn’t want us to be in an official relationship anymore because that would just be too painful for him. I’m not gonna lie it hurt me a great deal when he said that but I guess I can see his point of view. So we continue to talk on skype as an ‘unofficial couple.’
I still secretly have strong feelings for him but I’m not allowed to show it, he even says he doesn’t want to stop me from being with someone else better than him, and that hurts me also. I just can’t help but think he might still love me as much as I love him, but we just can’t express it because it hurts too much to be so far apart. I’m also terrified by the fact that he may end up with someone else. I have 2 years left until I graduate and get my Bachelor’s Degree, Inshallah, and I’m actually considering doing my masters abroad – anywhere near that area, just so we can see each other a lot. I hope that maybe our relationship would grow and rekindle like before, and maybe lead to marriage at some point (we are both Muslim btw).
My question is do you think this would be a good idea? I did ask him but he said he doesn’t want to feel guilty about making me study in a place just to be close to him or the possibility of not working things out in the relationship. Still, I can’t help but want to be with him and it kills me that I can’t see him whenever I want; he is my first love and my best friend. I’m sorry for the long email but I wanted to be thorough about my situation.
Thank you Faiza for everything you do and stay as awesome as you are!
Awaiting your reply,
Dear Conflicted Heart,
How thrilling it is to find love, huh? That feeling of being incomplete without that special someone who makes you feel even more FABULOUS than you already do! I mean, it’s a feeling we never really forget. Nor do we ever really forget the feelings that come when losing that special someone due to circumstance, whatever those circumstances may be. Yours seems to be the distance and that is never easy. I know there are those who are able to work out a long distance relationship- one of those people being the beautiful and talented Tamanna Roshan (DressYourFace) and her husband Khushal. Is it difficult? Abso-freaking-lutely! But is it possible? Abso-freaking-lutely! Anything and everything in this world is possible in a relationship where both parties are willing to put in the time, energy, and most importantly, the commitment.
Which leads me to the Hard Truth. As I said, it’s possible to work out a long distance relationship when both parties are willing and committed to it. Key word: Both! It doesn’t seem to me that he’s willing to take that leap of faith. I say that because when a man is interested in a woman, he doesn’t dare even mention the possibility of her being with another man. I doubt you would want to see him with or encourage him to be with another woman. No! Why? Because you love him, and when you love someone a part of you, almost instinctively, becomes selfish with that person. The thought of them being in someone else’s arms, or sharing that smile you so lovingly adore, or someone else making them laugh, tortures you because you love them and want them all to yourself. It’s the truth! Not obsessive, but that’s love.
He’s also not making any sense by Skypeing you daily, yet claiming to be afraid to commit to a REAL relationship because “it’ll hurt too much.” Love hurts. What’s new? What’s worse is unrequited love and that’s not something that needs to happen if there’s real love and nothing else is holding you back aside from distance – an issue that apparently seems to have a suitable solution. Now, although I believe that a man who is truly in love should put down his walls and confess his love (if it’s there) to a woman and vise versa, I feel he should open himself to you as much as you seem to be with him.
IF however he is dictated by fear, that’s turns the index finer to you. I understand that fear can make us hold back on the things we want because of the fear of humiliation, rejection, or possibly having your heart broken. But I have learnt one eternal truth when it comes to love and life in general- fear can make you waste time, something of which is too precious. Don’t let fear dictate your heart’s desires. Don’t let fear cause you to miss out on love. Tell him how you feel. I know that’s easier said than done, but if there’s one thing I will never regret in my life- it’s the times I poured my heart out or cried in front of my ex. Because in that, I discovered so much about myself and about where he and I stood.
It hurt to realize that we had no future, but had I never put my heart on the line, I would never have discovered that he wasn’t the man for me and I wouldn’t have moved on and be where I am today. You HAVE to figure out where you both stand and that means being brave enough to put all of your cards on the table and say this, “Listen, I love you. You know I do. I want to be with you and if that means moving abroad to be close and tackle my career while being by your side- then I’m willing to do that because as I said I love you.” He shouldn’t have any reason to “feel bad” IF he loves you, and this move wouldn’t serve as an inconvenience in your life, what does he have to feel bad about? Unless he’s not interested in a relationship with you.
Either way, YOU need to know this, because you’re either going to realize that you have to start moving on and away from him, or you both decide to start the journey towards Happily Ever After. You don’t know unless you’re brave enough to confront the situation- even if that presents the possibility of heartbreak. It’s never easy to wear our hearts on our sleeves, but it’s easier than living in a silent torture for the heart that only longs to be loved by the person it yearns for. Don’t stop showing your emotions for him or anyone else. Put your heart on the table and see what happens. Sometimes love has a magical way of setting up a rainbow in our life and other times it presents a storm before bringing on that rainbow.
Whatever the outcome, you have to trust that you will be led EXACTLY where you need to be and with exactly who you need to be with. NEVER lose faith in love- it is the truest and purest emotion we have to share with one another.
Stay hopeful, stay romantic, but most importantly stay FABULOUS,