Milestones. We hear about them our whole life, right? The day you get your degree, get hired for that one job, say ‘I do,’ and have kids. But what about the one milestone, that’s not on the list, although it has the exact life changing impact on your life: The day you have your heart broken. Every day post breakup things like: waking up in the morning, taking a shower, or driving to work, are as hard as climbing a mountain in six inch stilettos. You can’t breath, or focus on anything but your new reality, which you’re hoping turns out to be a bad dream. You can’t live presently because your mind is still stuck in the past, and the future -that is now crumbling- finds you so overwhelmed with emotion, that you’re not sure if you can even deal with it all. When you finally come to reality and realize it’s over, you run in circles in your mind, desperate for answers to the questions you can only hope will give you closure. I’m so sorry… I understand every bit of this.
Today might be that day for you, or it might have happened last week, last month, or even last year. Maybe there are even those that have had there heart broken a few years ago and still haven’t recovered. It really doesn’t matter where you’re at in the timeline of your heartbreak, because today… is Day 1.
Up to now, there has never really been a guide on how to recover from heartbreak in a way that is relatable and understanding for every human being: no matter what culture you’re from, religion you follow, or what part of the world you live in.
We’ve all experienced that moment when we’re so hurt after heartbreak, and have those people that tell you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find someone better, because “he/she never deserved you anyway!” Or “Well, you shouldn’t have been dating him/her anyway!” The former is what most people hear. The latter is what Muslim Arab girls like me hear when you start dating, which is a cultural and religious taboo. I should know. I heard both.
Those unhelpful pick me ups are said by people who don’t want to see you sad, or because they’re tired of being around you when you’re constantly down, or about to bring shame to the family.
Now you might have others tell you to move on, or you yourself might be rejecting the feelings connected with heartbreak, simply because you don’t want to hurt, or make your ex believe you’re still so broken from it all. You just save it in the back of your mind and reboot. Whatever the case, today is the day that STOPS! Like NO JOKE! You are DONE trying to store your feelings away like a folder you avoid opening because of others, or yourself. You are about to go on a roller coaster ride that is going to encourage you to tap into those feelings you’re trying to ignore, face the reality you’re running away from, and find yourself amongst the rubble of this broken state.
It’s time to rip off the bandaid you placed over that bullet hole, in your soul, the moment you watched the person you love, walk out of your life. It’s time to feel real God given feelings again. Why? Because THAT is how you heal! Take it from me, a girl who lived thirty years of her life on save and reboot. That way of living found me facing a nervous breakdown. This is one journey you can’t half ass through anymore. You want to fall in love again one day, right? And I know you’re thinking you never will, because you’re still hoping your ex will come back. That’s normal. It won’t last though. I promise. But to go From Broken, To FABULOUS, you have to Feel to Heal.
Now in case you didn’t already know: if you’re broken, you’re in the right place. A place I only wish existed when I was going through my heartbreak and doing all the wrong things like, texting my ex, J.R. Tolkien sized text messages, all of which were ignored, btw. Or telling him whatever lies I believed would make him come back, even if it made me look like shit. Or worse… leaving him those humiliating voicemails that were either of me sobbing hysterically and begging him to come back, or screaming wildly like Blac Chyna did when she asked Rob Kardashian, “Are you still texting other bitches?!” I’m totally not ashamed of any of this. Not anymore, anyway. But let me tell you, if I had had that calm, sincere, and understanding voice of reason, to pop in, and tell me what to do, I wouldn’t have made half the mistakes I did. Not that we should look at our life lessons as mistakes, but I mean come on. If we could un-send certain messages, delete those dreadful voicemails we leave, or even transport our bodies out of their apartments when we think it’s a great idea to meet up at night and talk, tell me you wouldn’t want to have the ability to do that?!
That’s why I am now your heartbreak coach! That’s right, I am going to take your broken ass out of the mud you’re currently in, and show you how fucking fabulous your life can be. You may be wondering, “Why the hell am I going to trust this Muslim girl whose only had one real relationship in her life?” That’s right, I’m a woman in her thirties with exactly one relationship under my belt.
Now, although my belt is slim, my memory isn’t. Through my ten years of writing on the subject of love, which I’m completely enamored with, mind you, I helped guide countless women and men through there current relationships, or start a new ones: balance the power, reignite the spark, and so much more. Through those experiences, I learned that love and heartbreak are the two feelings that unite us all. It crosses cultural and religious barriers as easily as math, music, and art. It’s a pretty amazing thing. But also, my own experience, however limited, has shown me a whole new world of understanding on the subject of life and love.
You see, although I was able to help so many people start, or maintain their relationship, I never really understood how to cope, deal, or recover from heartbreak. I suppose that’s because the hopeless romantic in me, always aimed to keep people together. The notion that a relationship could face ‘The End,’ was always so tragic to me, unless of course it was a toxic or abusive one. I always insist on everyone to end those quickly. I just wish I would have been as convincing to myself. Then again, my confidence was not there. Which is one of the many things I’m going to help you work on throughout this process. I’m not only going to help you with recovering from your broken state, but finding your self- confidence and self-love, just as I did. I mean you can’t be the leading lady of your own life, if you’re standing in the shadows of others opinions, expectations, and guilt trips, can you?!
So let’s get straight into it.
Youmight be the one that got dumped, or the dumpee, but whatever the case, it’s important for you to acknowledge that you broke up because something went wrong. Maybe the spark died.
Maybe he/she cheated. Maybe they took you for granted, or they didn’t respect you. Maybe you spent months or years trying to make them a better person, only to realize it was just never going to happen. Whatever the reason it’s over, the only thing that really matters is that it is over. This isn’t about finding resolutions for fixing what’s already broken. What happened between you and your ex, was meant to happen. That relationship was NOT meant to be Ever After. So if you’re here in the hopes that this guide will help you figure out how you may possibly get back with your ex, you should probably stop reading this right now. This is NOT the journey you should be on. This is a journey about YOU! Not your ex, or fixing what’s broken.
Is there any harder or more sad word to say than goodbye?! Have you ever heard of a more heartbreaking sentiment? Pun intended. When you want to live forever in hello, saying goodbye to someone you love, is the most awful feeling in this world. Throughout this journey you may even, like me, discover what love truly is, and realize you never really loved your ex. Wouldn’t that be one hell of an eye opener?!
Right now, you’re hurting like hell. You thought you would spend the rest of your life with this person and now, they’re gone. You’re in one of four places:
- Completely overwhelmed with emotions and crying uncontrollably.
- You expected this to happen, but have been living in denial and now that it’s done, you’re crying uncontrollably.
- You didn’t expect it at all and are in total shock and crying uncontrollably.
- You can’t stand the ground he walks on want to cut his balls off, but since you can’t and won’t because this isn’t about committing any crimes, you’re crying uncontrollably!
You’re either in one of those four places or in all four at once. There’s no abnormal way of feeling right now when you’re facing heartbreak. Remember, we’re treating today as if it’s Day 1, and for many it may very well be. I don’t want you to worry about hanging out with friends, entertaining family, cleaning your room, or stress yourself about all the unnecessary junk food your about to eat. This is your No Holds Barred week to eat that extra slice of cake, become antisocial and live like a hermit. You have that right! Okay!!!
So what should you be doing this first week of your From Broken, To FABULOUS journey now that your heart has taken a temporary parking spot in Brokenheartsville, even though you’re convinced its permanent.
If finding comfort for the night, week, or month is what you have in mind, or what that misguided friend is trying to convince you of, I need you to WIPE IT OUT COMPLETELY! Do you hear me?! You are NOT allowed to flirt, date, or even think about starting any type of relationship with anyone. Value what you had, and even more so, value you’re own body. Don’t spread yourself around thinking this is going to make you feel better. The best decision I made after I faced ‘The End’ with my ex, was staying single. Even if you’re feeling rejected or unvalued, don’t look for self worth in the arms of another. You are on MY From Broken, To FABULOUS Journey, which means you’re about to go 90 days without even flirting with the opposite sex. It’s been a year now, and I still haven’t had one relationship, let alone even been hugged by a man. Now I’m not saying that that’s what I’m going to tell you to do, but I have no regrets in that because I value my body- just as I want you to do. Your body is sacred ground. Don’t let just anyone on it.
CLOSE THE CLOSURE DOOR
DO NOT GO SEARCHING FOR CLOSURE FROM YOUR EX OR ANYBODY ELSE. THIS IS NOT THE WEEK YOU’RE GOING TO GET CLOSURE. YOU CAN’T TRUST THEM TO GIVE IT TO YOU, AND YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN’T TRUST YOURSELF TO LOGICALLY GET IT. I’M PUTTING THIS IN CAPS BECAUSE IT’S SO IMPORTANT THAT IT REGISTERS WITH YOU THAT THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN RIGHT NOW; AND MAYBE IF IT SEEMS LIKE I’M YELLING IT OUT, IT’LL SINK IT. HAS IT SUNK IN YET? HOW ABOUT NOW! OKAY GOOD!
BLOCK YOUR EX
This is so important right now. You do NOT want to be sending him text messages or leaving voicemails when you’re not thinking logically. You need space right now. There will be a week that I actually encourage you to contact your ex. Yes. I just said I’m going to encourage you to contact your ex, but this is NOT that week. When it does come, I’ll give you a step by step guide. But for this week, your ex is on block to avoid you sending or replying to anything you’re not ready to handle just yet.
EXTRA EXTRA SHUT UP ABOUT IT
Your relationship is over, and the first thing you want to do, is get a Sunday spread in the paper to tell your family and friends all about the sad update. I am going to strongly encourage you to say NOTHING! You’re not emotionally ready to discuss this without it playing out like a dramatic Shakespearean stage play. You want to be sure that it is in fact over between the two of you. This isn’t to give you false hope and say, “It may not be over, he’s coming back,” but rather to ensure that it is in fact ‘The End,’ and not just a fight that will be resolved. Why? Because, what if you make up a few days later, and you already told your whole family and circle of friends. If they have seen you hurt and distraught, and your ex is the cause, they’re going to begin to dislike, if not hate, that person and for good reason. He/She hurt someone they love and it’s natural to form negative opinions for someone who hurts someone you love. They’ll begin to wish it really was over. Not only because they now dislike your ex, who’s now back to being your bf/gf (for good or evil), but they’ll begin to form an opinion of you that’s not exactly flattering. You’ll become the person who has no dignity, no self respect, and no real understanding of what love really is. What they’ll remember is what they saw that night when you threw yourself on the floor and balled your eyes out while yelling, “I trusted them with my heart and now it’s over. OVERRRRR!”
This silence stage is the hardest part because you want reassurance, and it’s okay to get it from ONE person, but not the entire clan. And choose that one person carefully. For me, it was my sister. Although younger than me, her words and discretion was exactly what I needed when I was feeling so lost. I knew she wasn’t going to publicize it to the world like a tabloid post. She was there to listen, minus judgment, and kept it ‘Hush Hush.’ Find that one person you can trust to keep quiet. If you don’t have someone to turn to because you’re relationship was one that Mom and Dad weren’t suppose to know about it, because of cultural or religious reasons and you haven’t told “friends,” for fear of being judged, then, I encourage you to leave your frustrations in the comment section of this post below. Writing helps more than you think and will be a huge part of this journey, so hop to it. Either I will respond, or someone in this very helpful, and united community of broken hearts, will be here for you. You are NOT alone.
LOG OUT- FOR REAL
I want you to log out of any and all of your social media accounts. This is not to say that I don’t believe you have zero will power, but let’s be honest, it’s Week One of your heartbreak and you’re vulnerable. Vulnerability tends to make us do things we shouldn’t be doing, like posting a Facebook status telling the world what a walking, talking, twirling, swirling Fuck your Ex is. Or posting some cryptic picture on Instagram that leaves everyone wondering what the hell is going on in your life. Or worse, the press release on Twitter, “I knew u were trouble when u walked in #Single #GirlsNightOut #TurnUpTime.” The only thing I want you turning up is this weeks song assignment, which you’ll learn more about very soon.
I know you may want some form of validation that you were right, and your ex is wrong, or some reassurance, but this is not the way to do it. You need to breathe. That’s right. Take a deep breath in and exhale. This is not the time to tell the world about your Ever After, turning into Never After. There will be a time for that and a proper way to be angry, sad, and yes, even petty. Hey! I told you this was going to be real right?! People go through a petty and bitter time after a breakup, and I’m going to guide you through that. For now, keep the words to yourself.
TAKE A RAW SELFIE
Some of you are already familiar with what a Raw Selfie is, but for those of you who don’t know, this is the picture you’re going to take of yourself in your most vulnerable moment. You can either have makeup on, or not. I just want you to take a picture that isn’t as posed as one you take to post on social media. This is very important in your journey, because we’ll be taking these pictures monthly. When you add them all together, and see the light start coming back into your eyes, you’re going to be amazed at how far you have come. Doesn’t feel that way right now, and it’s not suppose to, but I’m your Heartbreak Coach and I’m telling you to take a goddamn selfie- so take it!
GRAB A BOX OF TISSUES
If you’re crying uncontrollably as we talked about earlier, this is good. You should be doing this. I’m not promoting sadness, but at the same time, I am, because you have to feel through these feelings. I spent thirty years of my life unable to really show this type of vulnerable emotion. I wasn’t the person to get upset and break down because I never really opened my heart to anyone.
Then I met my ex and I fell for him as willingly as a woman ever could. The bars around my heart were removed, the wall torn down, and there it was: my heart. I removed it, and placed it in his hands, with all the trust only love affords us. When it ended, all the years of tears I never shed, came crashing in like a tsunami. I realized through this, that you HAVE to cry. You HAVE to let it out. It doesn’t make you weak or make your ex win. It’s a testament to what you had. Or what you believe you had. They only win if you close yourself off to your natural human condition. God gave us all the ability to release the hurt. If it doesn’t come as easy as you would like, try listening to this week’s…
Song Of The Week
Every week, I’m going to give you a song that I want you to listen to that really talks to you in a way that will help you promote the feelings you need to feel through in order to heal. This week it’s:
– Tin Man- Miranda Lambert
This song speaks to a broken heart in a way that is so meaningful with lines like:
Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don’t know how lucky you are
You shouldn’t spend your whole life wishin’
For something bound to fall apart
Everytime you’re feeling empty
Better thank your lucky stars
If you ever felt one breakin’
You’d never want a heart
The touching and relatable lyrics, along with Miranda Lambert’s heartfelt performance, are enough to connect with your broken heart and help you start feeling. This song is your homework this week. Play out a music video in your car, as you walk, or in the privacy of your own room as you connect with the words.
‘The End,’ sucks. It hurts. It hurts so damn much. But I promise you, this will NOT last and you will get stronger. But for now… feel broken… you have every right to.
Feeling like you want to message or call your Ex? DON’T! This is NOT the day to do it! Click the ‘Message To My Ex,’ Tab above and leave a comment saying everything you wish you could say to them. Post it there, DO NOT send it to them. You can do this!