California Dreaming – Part 1



Life was good. Correction… life was GREAT with Pan! He’d realized that if didn’t make a change, that he would lose me, and that thought was enough to make Pan kinder and more loving. He never missed an opportunity to tell, or show me how much he cared, and for the first time since we started our relationship, I felt confident in my decision to stay with him. He fed my mind, body, and soul with an ambrosia that made me feel like I could conquer the world. There were no more reasons for goodbye. We would live in hello and possibly spend the rest of our lives in happily ever after.

I saw Pan every single day. It didn’t matter what he was doing, where he was, or how long he had worked, he always showed up to my house in his black Mercedes; like a dark knight to pick me up and take me on some spontaneous adventure. Most of the time those adventures found us driving for hours around Chicago before settling on a parking spot private enough to enjoy the silence together. Being in his arms was home. Kissing his lips was heaven. Touching his skin felt out of this world. I thought of nothing else but him when we were together. Yet even when we were together all I could wonder is, “When will I see him again.” Pan had sprinkled pixie dust on me and I was his completely.

But on this particular Saturday in July, I didn’t await Pan’s spontaneous message, but instead awaited his arrival, since we’d planned to grab dinner that evening. I was in full slay! I had paired black stilettos with a black dress with a side slit that showed my knee- which at that time was very daring for me. My hair was straightened and parted perfectly like Kim K. I texted Pan to ask for his eta, only to receive a quick response, “Here.” The amount of excitement that would fill my soul when I would open that door and see him standing there, lifted my spirits in such a way that I can’t really explain. The world would just became silent. It was only us. Not another soul.

Pan’s expression when I opened the door, was one that could have been in any 80’s romantic film. You know where the guy is just floored before placing his hand over his heart. I fucken loved that.

“You look so sexy,” he said.

“Why thank you, sir,” I said with a smile. My confidence was at an all time high and I loved it. It seem he did as-well.

He took my hand and led me into the car before getting in himself. As he took his seat, he turned to just look at me for a few seconds.

“Baby you look so sexy,” he said leaning forward wanting to kiss me.

“Babe, my familys home,” I said. Pan quickly leaned back.

“Yalla, let’s go,” he said as we began driving down the block. Pan unexpectly pulled the car over and unbuckled his seat belt.

“Babe, what are you doing?” I asked before he leaned in for a kiss.

Sparkle… lots and lots of sparkle.

He leaned back before I pulled him back in for a kiss of my own and then we were back on the road and headed to dinner. We had decided on Italian food since we both had a craving for calamari.
After placing our order, Pan reached both his hands across the table to hold mine.

“You know every guy in this room wants to be me,” he said with a smile. “Because I get to tap that,” he added with a laugh. One I couldn’t help but share. “No, but seriously, mashallah babe, you look beautiful.”

“So do you,” I said.

“I look beautiful?” he laughed.

“Very handsome,” I corrected, before he lifted my hands to his lips and kissed them. I loved that Pan would never shy away from showing me any sort of tasteful public display of affection. I had never seen it in any other place besides movies- but I knew I always wanted it- and now I had it.

“I think we should take a trip,” Pan said.

“A trip? Where?” I asked knowing very well that it would be extremely difficult for me to get my family to approve of this. I mean it was taboo enough that I was dating Pan, but traveling anywhere with a man who wasn’t my husband, that I knew I couldn’t do.


“LA?” I repeated with bright eyes. I had only ever experienced Los Angeles during work trips, but never for leisure.

“Yeah, I’m thinking we can leave on a Thursday and stay until Tuesday or something like that. That way we can celebrate our six month anniversary there.”

I hadn’t realized we had been together for six months. To me it seemed like we’d been together forever.

“I can’t believe it’s been six months already,” I said.

“We have a whole lifetime together baby. So buckle up,” he said kissing my hands again. “What do you think?”

“That’s a long time.”

“Five days,” he said just as our dinner arrived to the table.

We readied ourselves to eat, while continuing the conversation about LA.

“I mean that sounds amazing, but I don’t know how I would explain that to my family,” I said.

“Just tell them you’re goin’ on a work trip,” he said. “That’s what I’m gonna tell my family.”

“And then we just happen to meet each other out there? Nobody would believe that!”

“Why not? It’s not like we’re posting pictures or anything,” he said.

“I know.”

“Think about it. It would be a great way to start fresh and get away for a little bit. We could hit the beach, you can wear a sexy little bikini,” he said adding what I would usually call his perv smile. “It’s exactly what we need.”

I knew Pan was right. We both deserved to get away. Escape. Just let loose and enjoy ourselves.

“Just think about it,” he said. “But don’t take too long,” he added with a laugh. “Like a brother gotta put his schedule in order and shit.”

But apparently I didn’t need anymore time to think about it, because I replied with, “Let’s do it!”

“For real?” He said.

“Yeah. I mean we do owe it to ourselves.”

“Let’s look at tickets,” he said reaching for his phone.

“Babe, eat first. We’ll look later,” I said.

“Okay fine,” he said excitedly as he put his phone back on the table.

We enjoyed dinner and rushed to the car after where we began looking at flights and overall costs. We found an amazing deal that would find us leaving in two weeks. We thought about it for a second before agreeing to lock it in. I bought the tickets and Pan took care of the hotel and rental car.

The moment we finalized our trip we looked at each other with wide smiles.

“Baby, we’re going to LA,” Pan said.

“I’m so excited,” I said cheerfully bouncing up and down in my chair.

“This is gonna be amazing,” he said.

“Countdown begins,” I said.

“It needs to come quick,” he said.

His wish came true. Two weeks had never flown by quicker. We both had fed our families an alibi, and took Ubers to the airport where we met. We checked in, made our way to our terminal, and stood in line awaiting to board our flight. We were beyond excited the entire flight. Neither of us slept, we just shot pictures together, planned our days, and snuggled. Of course snuggling for me, was putting Pan’s armrest up and wrapping myself like a burrito around him.

“I love when you do that,” he said.

“You’re my penguin.” I said snuggling my head into his chest.

“Habibti,” he said kissing my forehead. “We’re gonna have an amazing time. I promise you.”

“I know,” I said.

“First we have to get the rental, so we need to find the shuttle bus when we get our luggage,” he said, which is exactly what we did after baggage claim; hopped on the shuttle bus that took us to get our rental: a silver Dodge Charger.

“This car is sexy as fuck,” said Pan.

“You’re sexy,” I said. At this time, I wasn’t a girl who used profanity as it wasn’t something that was ever allowed in my home. Even if my parents used profanity, we were definitely not allowed to. Pan appreciated this as he believed a woman who used profanity to be “trashy.”

“You’re sexy,” he said leaning over to kiss me. “Let’s do this,” he added before rolling down the windows and driving out of the rental lot.

Before we knew it, we were surrounded by palm trees, beach, and plenty of road. We drove down the coast free as birds, my hands out the window taking in the view, and the moment there with him. I was serenely happy.

“I heard the sushi here is really good, so you wanna do that tonight?” he asked.

“Of course,” I said. “You want me to look for something?”

“No! We’ll start off with the In-N-Out Burger,” he said.

“Oh my God YES!!!” I said excitedly.

“Come on baby, we’ve gotta do Cali the right way,” he said. Pan’s nature had become more carefree, and happy, and I loved every minute of it. It was as if I was looking at a whole new man. It made me realize just how much we both really needed this trip. After eating our burgers, we both realized how hungry we’d been. I had never eaten a burger faster in my life, and Pan had two of them.

“I’m such a fat ass,” he said rubbing his food belly.

“Look at that beautiful Buddha belly,” I said rubbing his belly.

“Stop it,” he said laughing. “Listen, let’s check into the hotel and maybe rest for a little bit.”

“Babe, I don’t wanna rest. We’re in LA!”

“Oh we’re not gonna rest,” he said lifting his brows.

“You’re so weird,” I laughed.

“We’re just gonna rest for a bit so we can be ready for tonight.”

“Okay, fine,” I said before we made our way back to the car and then to the hotel.

We checked in and got settled into our room. I went into the bathroom to change into a pair of sweat pants and a tank to be more comfortable. When I came out Pan was standing by the bed facing me holding something behind his back.

“What are you doing?” I asked with a smile.

“I have something for you,” he said before pulling out a box of Michael Kors perfume.

“Babe,” I said taking the box from him with a huge smile. “Thank you so much.”

“You like it?”

“Yes,” I replied sincerely.

“Say wallah.”

“Wallah,” I replied before hugging him.

“Okay good,” he said embracing me tightly. “Let’s try to sleep for a bit.”

I lifted the white sheets and crawled into the bed, snuggling closely, my head on his chest.

“I love hearing your heart beat,” I said my eyes closed, listening to every beat.

“One day it’s gonna stop,” he said.

“How depressing,” I said before breaking out in a huge laugh that Pan joined in.

“I can never hear you laugh and not laugh,” he said squeezing me tighter.

“My laugh is really loud.”

“I know. I love it.”

We lay there for a minute, before Pan jumped up, tossing me back on the bed.

“I’m so sorry,” he said laughing. I couldn’t help but laugh as-well.

“I have to show you something,” he said, jumping out of bed and grabbing his laptop.

“Babe, what’s more important than snuggling with me right now?”

“Trust me, this is very important,” he said sifting through files. “Got it,” he added. “Come here baby.”

I dragged myself out of bed and over to sit on his lap.

“So you remember that I went sky diving last week with my family right?”

Pan had invited me to go along, but jumping out of a plane isn’t the type of adrenalin rush I’m looking for, so I’d opted out.

“Well, I want you to see how it all went down,” he said before pressing play.

The video started with Pan and the instructor waiting to jump out of the plane. Before they’re about to jump out, Pan yells out, “Baby, I love you. P & F Forever baby.” The two jump out and as they’re freefalling, Pan continues to look straight at the camera and repeat, “I love you baby.”

The parachute deployed and then it faded to black. I was swept off my feet when I turned to face Pan.

“It’s true baby. I love you. I love you so much.”

I wanted to say it back, but the words wouldn’t come out.

“You don’t have to say it back. I know you still need time,” he said.

“I love you, too,” I blurted out. I had wanted to say it for the longest time, but I was too afraid because I don’t believe a woman should ever be the first to say it.

“You mean that?” he asked hopeful.

I nodded my head as I embraced him tightly. Pan lifted me up and just held me for what seemed like forever. Or maybe that’s simply what I was wishing.

“Let’s make this a great trip, babe,” he said still holding me tight as ever.

“It already is,” I replied.

Day 1 of our LA trip was already every bit of perfection after so much imperfection.

We had gone from like to love, and everything about that… felt right.

35 thoughts on “California Dreaming – Part 1

  1. I can’t believe you’re posting this online!! If I were you ide make a novel and have people who support you buy it instead!!! Honestly your a good writer 🙂 Considering this is only part 1… now that you have all of us hooked, ide make a novel 😀

  2. I really wanna ask u dat ..what if a guy is rilli into u bt avoids u coz he has hz own problems to deal wid ..n he ssly thinks our relationship will nt be gonna accepted further he started avoiding u so dat it hurts less for us both of dem

  3. This is really good and I’m not much of a reader but I love this until next time I await to see what happens next

  4. I love reading your blog each week but I’m kinda new to the page and trying to catch up on it all. Is pan his name or nick name? Is this person different to nidal, hani or khaled?

  5. Faiza!!!! Omg I love it!!! I need to read more of your stuff ASAP!! I didn’t even know you wrote, so talented!! Keep me coming girl!! Love you mama penguin!!!! 🖤🐧🖤🐧🖤🐧

    1. Them**** lol

  6. You should write a book about your life, or some part of it! 😍 so talented!

  7. CANt wait for de second part😍 by the wat habbibti is it a must for a girl to bleed during her first shish kaboobing??!

  8. Can’t wait for the next part!!😍😍 your writing is so involved ! Keep on, you have a gift ❤️ xoxo from Italy

  9. You’re such an inspiratiom faiza 💋💋❤❤💖💖💖

  10. Love u…my first comment before reading 😘😘😘😘

  11. you’re such a talented writer, got me hooked in from the first sentence of the post. can’t wait for the next part

  12. Can’t wait

  13. Can’t wait to know the rest❤️

  14. 6 am Berlin. Reminding me of my trip with that piece of shit I had

  15. I literally cant wait for next week😭😭😭😭😭

  16. Every week u make me speechless. Thank you for your honesty. Its so relatable for many girls.

  17. Your story is very palpable and relatable, we all know how this ends. Just wonder, what has become of pan? Not that it matters any longer, but he will never ever find anyone as priceless As you

  18. ohmygoodness you should be an author! 😍 this is so beautifully written, i don’t know how i’m going to read through the sad part of this story. 😭 ilyssssm, stay strong love. 🐧❤

  19. Amazing 😍😍😍 like every girl would dream about a partner I can’t wait for more 😘😘😍😍😍 your so honest person I’m sooo proud to follow you . nobody ever give you each detail about any experiences..but you do as you are special 😍😘😘😘 love you🤗🤗🤗

  20. Omg Faiza, I am reading you from my bed right now, it is almost 2 a.m. in Paris and I am … speech less. You story gave me the goose bumps. Your writing is so beautiful ! Please keep on , I love it.

  21. I can’t wait for the next chapter 😭

    1. Thank you Penguin <3

  22. Wooow💫💫💫💕💕💕This totally swept off my feet… I really hope you, Faiza especially now when you write so many details of what you felt and experienced…. Omg I hope this won’t affect you anymore like I can’t describe it now right after I read your blog um… Hope you get my point 😣🙊🙊🤷🏻💖💗💞This was nasib to happen, but pan wasn’t, and that was for the best❣️I really hope and believe so🤗🤗🤗💪🏻💪🏻✌🏻✌🏻Wanna send Love and huggs 24/7 to you😊😝😝💕💕Keep up Queen👑 👑 👑

    1. Thank you so much beautiful. I made a promise when I started writing again that I would stay true to how I felt and how everything played out, no matter how it ended. So thank you for appreciating it <3

  23. This is beautiful ❤. As a perosn with a lot of anxiety, its so hard to find things thst calms me. Can’t tell you how much your writing style soothes me and calms me down. I thank you so much for sharing your story and helping all of us. 👑

    1. I’m honored that I can put some light in your soul Penguin <3

  24. I love the loads of happiness vibes in this chapter. It’s every girl’s dream with “the right one”.

    1. Thank you very much. It was truly magical once upon a time

  25. You definitely should strt working on your book🖤🖤 I WOULD DEFINITELY BUY IT! Ur suchh an inspiration faizaaa🖤❤

    1. I’m truly honored. Really. And I am working on it <3

  26. This seriously broke my heart in half cuz a part of me is rooting for you guys so much but I know what a piece of shit he turns out to be. You were so in love with him and its so sad what he did to you. He was just showing you the side you would fall for. My freaking ex was the same way. Stay strong mama i love you so much. Me and my sisters sit in the room and read your entry on our phones at the same time lol love you so much. Please do us all a favor and write a book already.

    1. Thank you very much Penguin. Sending loads of love to you and your sisters <3

  27. Wooowww!!! Just WOWW!!! 🖤❤🖤❤ The trip sounds sooo dabm perfect i almost wana call my guy and plan this with him 😍 ohh danm its sooo dreamy 🖤 cannt waiitt fr the mext part but im dreading it tooo cz this is already strting to be my favourite love story ❤😢🖤😍

    Until next time..
    WAITING…!! 😜😜

    1. lol never a bad idea to take a trip 🙂

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