Breaking The Habit

 

 

Routine. We all have one, or at least we try to implement one. My routine included seeing Pan almost on a daily. I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was thirty-one, partially because of culture, and then later because when I asserted my want to drive, I couldn’t afford a car. So, Pan always picked me up. I always felt bad for inconveniencing him, but he never seemed to mind. He would often say, “I’m glad you don’t drive because then I get to spend more time with you, and I know where you’re going at all times.” Followed by a wink and a laugh. I would always laugh, not knowing that almost three years later his “joke,” would turn out to be anything but funny- or unrealistic.

My mom wasn’t comfortable with the amount of time we spent together without being engaged, even if he always had me home by 10:00pm, but I didn’t care. Because despite the distasteful beginning, and the comments/actions of Pan, we had agreed to move forward from there and I began to feel alive with him.

His rebel soul inflamed mine; and even when something screamed RUN, I stubbornly clung to him. Focusing at work was hard. I thought only about when I would see him again, hear his voice, feel his touch. Pan felt the same way, and he never failed to let me know with a text that said, “I miss you,” “I need to see you,” “Thinking about you like crazy,” “You make me feel alive.” But my favorite text would be the one that said, “Come outside.”

Anytime I received one of those messages, I knew he was parked in front of my house, standing outside his car with his back against the driver’s door, arms crossed, and leg kicked up like an Arab James Dean. I would sometimes get frustrated because I was NOT ready; like the horror of a Facetime call when you look like shit. The difference is, you can choose to ignore a FaceTime call, but I couldn’t bring myself to send him away. So, I would always fix myself up quickly, tell my mom I would be back in a bit, and head out to him. Well, I’d leave as quickly as I could after telling my mom, which normally included a dozen questions that would find us arguing, me apologizing, and then finally leaving.

It was no different on this day when Pan texted me to come outside the house, but this time I was prepared. He had left work early and wanted to grab a movie with his, “Love Dove,” as he would call me; I’d inherited the nickname I had given my cat Audrey Katherine Hepburn. As I walked down the stairs, he walked to me, his hand extended. I smiled, but declined to take his hand whispering to him, “My mom’s home,” He immediately put his hand down, although he still opened the car door for me. A request I had made to him from the beginning.

When Pan got into the car, he took a moment to look at me.

“You look so beautiful,” he said finding me flushed. I was still not accustomed to compliments from the opposite sex, but with every day spent with Pan, he found ways to remind me of how beautiful he believed I was i.e. my eyes, my hair, my smile, but mostly my laugh. He could never contain himself when he heard me laugh.

“I love that you find me so funny,” he said.

“I think you’re hilarious,” I replied genuinely. I mean there wasn’t a person who could make me laugh like him.

“So something weird happened,” he said. “…I realize I wanna spend the rest of my life with the Love Dove.

Pan always seemed certain we were meant to be. I wanted to feel the same way, but every time I tried, there was always this little voice that whispered, “Don’t.” I always argued that it was just my insecurities about how the relationship had started. That even if I was officially expired, I was able to find a guy who wanted to marry me, despite my age and my opinionated writing.

You have to understand that at this time, I was documenting my journey to find ‘The One,’ and even if it was with my families assistance, or chaperoned up to that point, it was still NOT a subject that MusRab girls talk about. Especially as far as the culture’s concerned. I mean, romance doesn’t really exist in the Arab world. We don’t grow up hearing about romance, seeing our parents hold hands, hug, and we definitely don’t see them kiss. Romance comes across as a “weakness,” something that will probably lead to the “humiliation of you and your family.”

Yet, there I was on a weekly basis talking about love, romance, and how exciting it would be to find both even if it was by dating. I was sharing the thoughts in the deepest corners of many like minded MusRabs, and it wasn’t always accepted by the community.

A fact that became all too real to me when a bus ad I’d had placed on the University Of Illinois at Chicago campus, was removed 24 hours after going up, because the image was labeled “offensive,” by the Muslim students on campus. The ad was an illustration I modeled for, with a Muslim woman raising her niqab, to blow a wedding band off her hand with the text, “It’s MY Choice.” I decided to use the image of niqab to portray this, because I am completely against it. I believe it’s the ultimate silencer and my image portrayed lifting the veil of silence.

This however wasn’t understood and the community found a way to speak up about it. I was labeled a “bad influence,” by the parents, but the youth crying out for change and a voice, flocked to me and did everything they could to make sure that I knew I didn’t stand alone. Even if that meant putting my website address on the inside stalls of the girls’ bathroom at the masjid to lead other women to my page if only so they could see that they were not alone. Even if women silently rallied to me, I found it difficult to rally myself up when every turn found me judged. Sometimes it was so much that I would stop writing, and I did for a few months until meeting Pan. He was very aware of my work and the opinions of others, but he didn’t care.

“They’re hating on you because you’re saying the truth,” he would say. “I’m happy with you doing whatever makes you happy, as long as your name isn’t on the streets.”

This is probably why Pan made it a point to ask the guys in the community if they were familiar with me. In other words, “Have you dated or shishkabobbed with her?” He was beyond excited when he could report back to tell me, “I asked around about you and nobody knows your name. Half of them don’t even know who you are, which I like.”

I remember being offended by the moral assessment he felt he needed to do to see me as a qualifying candidate for him, but another part of me, the reputation obsessing part of me, was proud of myself for having preserved my name morally.

Pan accepting me, and my dreams, was one of the many reasons I felt I had found a gem. Someone I should have been overjoyed to marry.  I wasn’t sure I could ever find another like him, but why then could I not bring myself to ever agree to even consider the idea of marriage to him? Did I really not forgive the things he’d said, the way he had shamed me, guilted me, disrespected me? Was I simply not ready? Or was he just not ‘The One’? I didn’t know, but I lived with him in the moment, hoping those moments could become forever.

As we pulled up to the AMC River East, he decided to park and chill for a bit, since the movie didn’t start for another hour. Somewhere in between our conversation my eyes locked on a pair of girls sunglasses in the cup holder.

“Who’s are these?” I asked him believing he would say one of his sisters.

“Oh those belong to my ex,” he said. “She left them in my car when we met after breaking up and I just found them.”

For a moment I believed him, until I rememberd he’d bought his car while we were together.

“You just got this car,” I said.

“Well yeah, but they were in my other car and I put them in here.”

“Why? Are you gonna meet her and give them back?”

“I mean what do you want me to do? Throw them out?”

“Yeah!” I said angrily. “She cheated on you, why would you want to meet her to give her anything back? I’m confused.”

“I already texted her to tell her I found them,” he said looking me dead in the eye.

“Why would you do that?” I asked feeling beyond disrespected.

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” he said turning his attention to his phone.

Is there anymore dismissive statement from your partner than, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”? This was something that had become a pattern anytime we had an argument, and although they seemed so unimportant or not worth the investment of time and energy, it was one of the many ways he bulldozed our relationship.

“How would you feel if I was still in touch with an ex?” I asked.

“You don’t have an ex. I’m your one and only,” he said trying to make light of the situation. It didn’t work.

“IF I had an ex, and I was still in touch with him, how would that make you feel?” I asked angrily. “You shouldn’t be staying in touch with your ex. There’s no reason to! Unless you’re holding out for her?”

“You think you’re a rebound? Really? I took you rot meet my family. I’ve never done that with any other girl I’ve dated!”

“That’s what I feel like when you’re still in touch with your ex. Especially an ex that cheated on you. She slept with your best friend. What are you keeping in touch with her for? It doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“Give me the glasses,” he said before reaching for them himself. He slid his window down and threw them out. “Happy?”

“No!” I exclaimed frustrated. “You think that makes this better? It’s about the principal. Why can’t you see that?”

“You’re driving me crazy!” He said before punching his steering wheel again. “Fuck!” He yelled half in anger and half in pain as he massaged his right hand.

There was no laughter now. Just silence.

Love can make some of us so stupid. It makes us do, say, and act in ways we wouldn’t otherwise. Common sense told me to open my eyes and see Pan for the ‘Lost Boy’ that he is, but love made me take his hand in mine and massage away the pain.

“Let’s go inside and see this movie okay?” He said cupping my face with his hands.

I nodded my head before meeting him outside the car. We went into the theather where Pan purchased popcorn, nachos, and a shit load of candy, if only to make me happy. It was his way of showing me he was sorry, without ever having to really listen, or address the reasons why there even had to be a sorry to begin with.

I just swallowed my pride and hid the anger because the alternative was to leave him, and even if I wasn’t certain about what we could be, if anything, I wasn’t willing to take the risk of losing someone who made me feel seen- even if it wasn’t always for the right reasons.

After the movie, we made out way down the theater escalators as if nothing had happened earlier that night. The ride down found us standing behind a couple that had just taken each others hands. The tender moment made me look over at Pan with a smile, but when I looked at him, his eyes weren’t locked on the couples hands, but rather the woman’s ass. He caught me, and instead of trying to play it off, he said, “What?” Followed by a silent laugh.

The moment was a reminder that there wasn’t a man that could make me feel as beautiful, smart, wanted, and seen as Pan. But there was also no man who could make me feel as small and unworthy as he could.

When we got to the end of the escalator, I walked ahead of Pan and made my way to the car, with him following behind me. I didn’t want to be near him. I didn’t want to talk to him.  My words meant nothing anyway. I was just so beyond angry with him, with myself for having been led by him, but also with God. I wondered was this all some sort of punishment for not doing things the “right way”?

I just wanted to get home.

“Stop!” He called out.

I didn’t listen. I just kept walking feeling like the car was miles away.

“Hey! I said stop!” He called out again.

Once again, I didn’t listen. I had no respect for someone who clearly had none for me.

“I SAID FUCKEN STOP!” He yelled out catching the attention of an elderly couple who lowered their heads and continued walking past me who had now stopped in my tracks. I was shocked.

Did he really just yell at me like that? In public.

 I turned to look at Pan who’s eyes were enraged. He didn’t see clearly when his temper took the wheel as it always did. A part of me was afraid- and I have to admit that for the longest time I was ashamed to even admit that.

I found the strength to move again and continue making my way to the car that was now right ahead of me. I expected him to yell again, but instead he sped up his walk, and met me at the car at the same time.

“You don’t hear me telling you to stop? What the fucks your problem?”

For a moment I didn’t know if I should say anything. I wasn’t looking into the eyes of the guy who said he loved me. A demon had taken over. One who’s anger had no cap.

“I wanna go home,” I said.

“What the fucks your problem?” He asked again standing in front of me no differently than a football player ready to charge.

“I saw the way you were looking at that girl’s butt…”

“Are you fucken serious? Who cares! I was just looking! Why are you making this a big deal?”

I couldn’t believe, nor understand his inability to not see the disrespect his actions. I didn’t know how to make him see that, or if I even could. Everytime I tried to argue the points, I felt hurt or offended by, it was always dismissed making me believe that I was in fact making a tsunami over a raindrop.

This was my first time in the dating rodeo. My inexperience was limited- to myself anyway. I was brilliant at giving advice to everyone else regarding their relationship, engagement, or marriage, and there I was… lost. So very very lost.

“Please just take me home,” I said not wanting any other passers by to hear or see this obviously heated argument.

“No!” He said pushing my shoulder back roughly causing me to lose my balnce and trip over the curb. “I wanna know what your problem is?”

I didn’t know how to react. A line had been crossed. So many lines had been crossed. I just shut down emotionally as I stood in front of the car with my head lowered, and my hands crossed and placed firmly in front of chest. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, to make him feel a fraction of what he was making me feel. But I couldn’t do or say nothing anymore. My body and mind literally just shut down.

A frustrated Pan, turned around and kicked the wired fence of the construction site next to us. I couldn’t help but see the symbolism in it all. A couple sitting amongst the rubble of what was now the broken pieces of their relationship.

I wanted to be home. I wanted to jump in a cab. But I couldn’t move. Part of it was fear, and the other part, the stupid part of me that didn’t yet know the definition of love, refused to let Pan return to Neverland. Yet a voice inside said, “Enough!” It was enough. We were not good for each other. No matter what, I had to recognize that. My heart may not want to, but my head- I had to listen to my head.

Pan and I looked up almost in sync. Our eyes met. His calmer, mine empty. I loved him, but I had to love myself more. That meant I would have to say goodbye. Even if I wanted nothing more than to live forever in hello. I had to love me.

He lowered his head and unlocked the doors. We both got into the car and sat silently for just a moment. Pan turned to me. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t. Instead, he started the car and began the drive to my house.

I can’t begin to explain how long this drive took. It felt like years in perpetual silence. The closer we got to my house, the more relieved I was. As we neared my house, Pan stopped at the corner. He would normally do this when he wanted more time to talk to me, or steal a kiss away from my mother’s eyes peeping out the window. But this night, there were no words or kiss that could fix what had just been broken. The line that had been crossed, had been crossed.

“Can you please talk to me,” He said in a defeated tone.

I couldn’t even whisper a word.

“Goodnight,” I said reaching for the door knob. Pan locked the doors and set the child lock, making me feel imprisoned and afraid. “Can you please unlock the doors,” I said. “I really need to get home,” I added my heart beating so loudly that I was sure he could hear it.

“Are we okay?” He asked leaving me perplexed.

“Yeah we’re fine,” I said seeing no other way to be freed from the clostrophoc position I was in.

“I don’t believe you.” He said.

“Wallah we’re fine,” I lied. I felt that taking God’s name in vain was one of the lesser sins I would face considering how I believed God was punishing me anyway.

“I don’t believe you.” He said again.

“Pan, I really have to go inside, my mom is waiting for me. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Call me when you get settled in.” He said about to remove the child lock. “Can I have a kiss?” He added.

I looked into his deep brown eyes thinking to myself, “This is the last time I’m ever going to see him.” This was our goodbye. So I touched the side of his face, fighting back tears. I think a part of him felt that that’s what it was as he looked deep into my eyes and said, “I don’t wanna lose you.”

But he already had.

We kissed once more before he unlocked the doors. I got out of the car, and made my way down the block towards my house. Pan stood watch in his car as he always did until I waved goodbye from the porch. I would normally be acting silly as I made my way back to the house, entertaining him, but that night, I couldn’t turn to even look at him again. It was too painful.

Instead, tears began swelling in my eyes. I tried to fight them because I didn’t want to have to explain anything to my family. I unlocked the door and just went straight inside without waving at Pan like I always did.

I quickly told my mom I had a migraine and was going to head to bed. As I closed my bedroom door, I faced my reflection in the mirror and just broke down crying.

My phone began vibrating. It was Pan. I wanted to answer. I wanted everything to be alright. But it couldn’t be. We wouldn’t be.

I turned my phone off and curled up on my bedroom floor hoping morning light may surprise me with it all being a dream, and if not, give me the strength to break the habit. It was time to let Pan return to Neverland with all the other Lost Boys.

 

 

 

87 thoughts on “Breaking The Habit

  1. I am thoroughly enjoying YOU!! I don’t have to know you personally to tell you how PROUD I am of you! You’re beautiful, intelligent, witty. talented, funny as heck, and most importantly – HONEST. It is once again confirmed, by reading some of the negative criticism, that many people cannot handle TRUTH. Your haters only hate you for one of two reasons. 1. They can’t be you. 2. They have not found their worth. Stay raw and real sweetie! It’s not easy being true to ourselves in a majority FAKE world. It takes courage. You have it! Continue to use it. You’re story is heart felt. I envision every scene with every new paragraph. With that said, you’re writing is excellent. I guarantee you that you have a bigger audience than you think, as you reach the minds and lives of those who need someone EXACTLY LIKE YOU to shed light on issues that stay in their “dark”. Looking forward to reading more. Thank you for being you! 🙂 Wishing you the best!

  2. Omg this gave me goosebumps!

  3. Girl please don’t generalize about the Arab/Muslim culture. Saying romance doesn’t exist in our culture is very offensive. My parents are Palestinian Muslims and they literally hold hands all the time, give kisses when he leaves for work and always say I love you. Just because you had an experience doesn’t mean you can label the whole culture like that

  4. Your stories resonate with me, Faiza. I am a Muslim, I practice Islam, I grew up in the Middle East before I moved to the US. Although I never shish kabobed, I have dated and been intimate. I am now married to the best man in the world, a man I dated for three years prior to our engagement.
    Do I wish some of the intimacy had never happened? Yes, with my previous boyfriends. But I never knew. I was stupid and “in love” and really thought that was it. But this is between me and my God. I will apologize to Him and He will understand because we are more than our mistakes and Islam is bigger than all this – than holding hands or kissing or shish kabobing. It’s about being human and making mistakes and making our way back and still LIVING.
    I don’t think Faiza is trying to normalize Haram. She is trying to make us understand that whether we talk about it or not, Haram happens. Isn’t it better that we share our narratives and understand it and explain our regrets and results so that perhaps we don’t all feel isolated and alone and judged and judgmental ourselves?
    Thank you for expressing what so many of us have lived and not even acknowledged to ourselves. The guilt is real. The societal expectations, the disappointment, the fights, the feeling of just not being good enough for anyone. I think our families push us away and inevitably lead us to find affection wherever we can through their extreme expectations and constraints. I wish to have a more understanding and realistic relationship with my children. Please write more.
    Lots of love, sister. Xx

  5. No she is not normalizing haram, nor is she a islamic preacher. Whoever has a problem with someone talking about their experiences and life then let me give you a simple solution; DONT READ/WATCH/FOLLOW/LISTEN. Seriously what is the matter with you people. Live and let live. Stop judging others. And most of all stop forcing your beliefs on others. Go ahead and start a blog about islam if you actually care.
    Faiza; keep doing you baby girl, thank you for speaking for the rest of us, the SILENCED ones. I cant wait to her the rest of the story, i really appreciate how much you put into this and how hard it must’ve been to relive everything. Stay strong ❤️

  6. I just feel you’re normalising haram. Somewhat like ya it’s haram, we a know it’s haram.. But she’s doing it, and he’s doing it, and every one is hiding from the haram police, so it’s a normal thing.

    No matter how candid you write your stories, Islam is Islam. It’s wrong. Write your stories to abolish and fight against the chauvinistic Arab culture. That’s is worth fighting for! But Islam, its a way of life. Stop normalising haram dating, sex and kisses etc.

  7. Faiza is doing a good job at making it clear what is haram and halal in Islam via her posts. She clearly states dating is haram, and I believe that’s part of the point. We can keep shouting HARAM AND HALAL all we want, but then we negate the reality. Which is dating happens in the Muslim community. So does non-martial intimacy. So do abusive relationships. And when a woman does make that mistake she is often found in a situation where she feels obligated to marry a shit head Bc she fears being slut shamed and called names by so called “religious” people. The one thing I most appreciate is that she isn’t trying to claim something haram is halal, she is telling you her very human very real experience about what happens when she stumbled into haram and found herself in a less than desirable position, and how she found her way back to her homeostasis.

  8. I love the honesty put into this blog. It truly is remarkable to see a woman who took her experience and uses it in the present to motivate and empower women along side letting them know they are not alone. I am always glued to my computer screen when I read these blogs because of how riveting and engaging it is. Truly a marvelous job done!

  9. Literally the story of my life ….he looked at others while i was around and i kept lying to myself to hold on

  10. Habibi I can’t stop crying😭😭😭😭😭I just wanna punch the shit out of him… He isn’t a man, a gentleman, nothing IF HE DOESN’T RESPECT HIS LOVE OF HIS LIFE THEN WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE RESPECT ANYTHING AND ANYONE?? Sorry Faiza I just get so emotionally 😂😂🤗🤗🤗and again as I’ve said it before I don’t care how long time ago this was, he’s the biggest chrimp 🦐with shit in his head instead of brains…. And I’m not saying you found a shitty person no, you would never do that, You didn’t know who he was… Man it’s like fuck love, 😂😭but in the same time we need it more than ever💓💓💓

  11. I can’t believe I am motivated to leave a comment. I couldn’t agree more with the anonymous posters. Not sure why you are even my feed other than a Kattan connection. This woman is out of control! I don’t understand why she’s constantly flicking people off? Why can’t she focus on the positive instead of negative.She said that she is a a voice for those who don’t have one.

    Fazia, Who is appointed you this role? Penguins. It’s beginning to be broken record. Are you Arab or Muslim? I ask because you are making general claims that are peculiar (not driving until 31 because of culture. You’re not in KSA)?

    Is it possible that you are using a breakup as an excuse to find a new husband, fame or wealth?
    I say this and mean well, please seek counseling , Allah and possibly a therapist.

    I don’t care about your followers coming after me either that’s why I posted my name. Come for me. I likely am older and have more common sense. 🙌🏽

    1. You can be older but that doesn’t mean that you are intelligent, respectful or even smart in a level where you are embarrassing yourself and the arab community… People are following, loving and respecting Faiza for GREAT reasons and not you. You seek this kind of attention for dumb reasons cuz YOU are the problem and the problem is in yourself and your insecurities. I’m glad that I can separate from people like you and not look up to you in any way…

    2. Sister Marwa, you sound very angry, and this is not a positive sign. What does it matter to you who appointed her the voice of the voiceless? Someone did, and if no one did, and she appointed herself, balash, what does it matter. Let it be.

      If she wants to “flick” people off, let her. They’re her fingers, sister, not yours. Let her “flick” off whomever she wants. Balash. Who cares.

      She says she couldn’t drive until she was 31, because of culture. Wallah, I didn’t see one person other than you address this, sister. Maybe in her family you are not permitted to drive until you’re over 30, and by her “culture” she means her family. What does it matter? I have read and seen more than enough negative things that are part of our culture, and I’m sure you have to. Driving after 31, because of the culture, is one of the least negative things that can be said.

      You also ask if she’s using her “break-up as an excuse to find a new husband, fame, or wealth?” Again, sister, why does that matter to you? Ya haram. Let her find a man, and wealth, and fame from this. Why not? It doesn’t affect you in any way. I know it doesn’t affect me, and I don’t think it affects any of the rest of us. She wouldn’t be the first, nor the last person in this world, who uses an experience to their benefit. Again, who cares?

      You said you are older; then you should act with maturity, wisdom, and dignity, sister. The dignity age gives us. That means, you’re calling out her “followers” to come at you, like you’re 10 years old, makes you sound like a schoolyard bully. Forgive me, but I fail to see the “common sense” in that.

      Personally, I don’t think you’re a schoolyard bully, but I do think you may want to do some serious soul searching. If anything, take your own advice and visit a therapist. I do mean that with all due respect, sister. There is too much anger in you for something, or for someone, who shouldn’t matter in your life. That is not normal, neither is it good for you.

      Here’s some good advice with some REAL common sense: if this girl, and her words, turn you, and the Anonymous’ on this page, into such monsters, stay away from it. You say you’re older, as am I, and as such we have no need to be on this page. I’m only here because a friend of mine, read some of the ugly comments to me, and as a human being, a Muslim, and as a woman who supports the rights of other women, as we ALL should, I couldn’t stay quiet.

      I think we need to remember that the way to approach things, is through love. And sister, I can’t figure out what the problem is with you, or with the others you agree with on this page, but there doesn’t seem to be any love in your hearts. There’s anger, and what sounds like hate for this girl, and unless she’s harmed you personally, there’s no need for that kind of sentiment. Wallah, it sounds ugly, and it demeans you as a human being, sister. More so, as a Muslim, there should never be room for hate and anger toward any of Allah’s creation. Hate and anger belong to Shaitan. As does racism, prejudice, and judgement.

      Inshallah, you find your peace, sister.

      Dalia

      1. Dalia… you are a beautiful human being.

    3. How can you say that she has the right to express her self and you’re the one saying that it should be always about positive vibes and motivation you’re the one spreading the negtive ones that’s her story and she wanted to share it and wether u like it or not she has the right to

  12. Your story is beyond beautiful.. and so are you. Inside and out. Much love

  13. Faiza🖤🖤 i cant thank you enough for being soo brave to share all these moments with us!! I cn feel ur pain sooo strong thru ur words that i had goosebumps all over and tears running down my cheeks!! You are gifted to be avle to write sooo beautifully 💜
    You are an inspiration to not only me but millions of – musrabs , muslims , conserved & reserved families , and many more girls n boys who are forced to live a certain way BECAUSE of the community society or the *conveniently updated -religion threats*
    Thankyou for being our voice n giving us strength to help us find our words!! 💙💙
    Stay Faaaaabulous 🔥

  14. Faiza🖤🖤 i cant thank you enough for being soo brave to share all these moments with us!! I cn feel ur pain sooo strong thru ur words that i had goosebumps all over and tears running down my cheeks!! You are gifted to be avle to write sooo beautifully 💜
    You are an inspiration to not only me but millions of – musrabs , muslims , conserved & reserved families , and many more girls n boys who are forced to live BECAUSE of the community society or the *updated religion threats*
    Thankyou for being our voice n giving us strength to help us find our words!! 💙💙
    Stay Faaaaabulous 🔥

  15. I’m in tears, shitttt girl you are very strong. I can feel you and it makes me so sad, I love happy ends and i can’t see a love being destroyed knowing he loved you and you loved him. I’m so sad for you, you did the right choice but you lost a big love. I’m sure it still hurts, curage girl, you have a lot of people out here loving you including me, i’m so obsesed with you. You have a very big heart , JE T’ADORE 😍 (sorry for my english, hope you understand my english) lot of love for you ❤❤

  16. Why is everyone who supports you delusional? I no longer like you. Your videos were funny and some pics were okay but you’re stretching now.
    I didn’t really know the Mama Penguin label but oh wow, “Mama Dolphin” or anything IS kind of weird. How old your followers anyway? This entire blog is uninformative. And who charges or counseling or vent session but is not a therapist. SMH girl.

    1. Good! Now get lost! You’re not missed and no one needs you here, so……

      1. Joanna why u so rude

    2. Mr / Ms Anonymous –
      If u dont have the guts to put up ur name along with YOUR COMMENT .. thn that shows u very well know what you commented was HATE!
      Only cz u find a label weird doenst mean evryone does so based on thay you cannot reason tht her readers are not matured enuf or evn try insult her or her readers! We all are here cz we love her content, her writing , her humour , her videos and HER!
      Kindly get urself kicked off of her website!
      #THANKSBUTNOTHANKS

  17. This is the most heartbreaking of ur story … you’re amazing gal. Ur strong and I love you.

  18. Principle*. Some “writer”.

  19. I can not even imagine how much courage it took for you to write this, I am so happy for where you are now. Keep being fabulous. ♥️

  20. You’ve handled your heartbreak with so much class I just can’t gwt over it. Keep doing you babe. We love and support you forever ❤️🐧

  21. Girllllll you gotta move on lol why you holding on to your past like that…you fucked up and sinned, everyone does but you gotta move on, not make a damn book about it…it’s nothing new anyway, we heard this shit a million times, you’re not special. You’re just dumb af for disrespecting your religion and your mother, so Allah is putting you through the test that you deserve. You should know better.

    1. I really doubt anyone would be able to write about such a hard experience in such vivid detail if they weren’t “over it” & if you’ve heard this shit a million times why did you bother reading it. If you’re so concerned that she’s sinned and fucked up give constructive criticism instead of leaving useless comments.

    2. She is the bravest and most honest influencer out there! If u dont find her tht its ur problem bes hell yess girls in the arab and musilm world need such a figure to remind them to not be hard on themselves and to love themselves first

    3. Thts too harsh yes everyone goes through it but who are you to judge that if u believe shes not special stop reading then? And no one but allah knows how she is being tested but its her journey u have no right to comment on it. If you dont agree with her blog then dont read it. I dont agree with some things she says but it is her experience and to post negative degrading comments its a sin to do dont talk about sinning everybody has their own journey so grow up and dont read if your going to put hate on it.

    4. Are you fucking kidding me???? Woww you sure are screwd up to read her posts and blogs, follow her work and then leave hate comments??
      Even if evrything has happmd a million times this was her first love and it broke for the first danm time!! She is brave enough to share her feelings hee vulnerability to all of us and i salute faiza foe that!! If yu dont have the sense to be respectful please SCRAM!!

    5. You should know better by not touching Allah or her family. This, or her past situations are not “new” since many has gone and are going through the same things basically and she is helping for real so many people u don’t have a clue. You are not doing a shit by this, your comment or your behavior.. It’s people who behaves like you do are not the kinds of people anyone should look up too.

  22. love needs sacrifices..everyone makes mistakes..nobody is perfect.what i would do just to get him jealous is to stare at another guy..and dare he ask about it..bitch gon get it

  23. This was fantastic and extremely engaging. I love how you speak for all women and yet still so deeply relatable to your fellow “musrabs”. Faiza it was beautifully written and left me just wanting more. I’m finding myself going through something similar in that I do have a little voice in my head that tells me let him go, may be love for the wrong reasons but the other part of me, the stronger part is refusing to.

    1. Don’t leave the one you loveeeeee but keep it halal and get marriedddddddddddd

  24. GOD has a plan for you ❤️ I’m sure you already know that but just to quickly remind you. You have a beautiful honest soul , mistakes happen and that’s what life is about sometimes . Learning from mistakes. And I’m so glad you have your standards high Pan clearly didn’t meet them.

  25. You’re a very beautiful and strong person faiza❤️:’)
    Lots of love❤️

  26. Im in tears 😢💔.. Damn .. you have been through alot..
    You are so strong .. may God always protect you and give you strength

  27. Okay. Thank you for writing this. This is the best one yet. I can’t usually take the time to appreciate the way you write and for how strong you are but I just couldn’t stop myself this time. ❤ thanks again for inspiring me everyday not just by sharing your story but for being and showing the world who you are.

  28. You’re one of the bravest women! Especially for the women in a MusRab community. My parents never showed affection growing up and it was very hard to comprehend the why of it all. You honestly inspire me to persevere and stand firm in my faith. I always said “my religion is beautiful….surely Allah would not create us for the sole purpose to marry, procreate and be oppressed dealing with shitty men?!”. I find that some Arab men are hypocritical and the fact that there are muslim women who support them! Its just like seeing my dad beat up my mum and then mum saying “its ok your dad is just angry”
    Accepting bad or disrespectful behaviour or abuse is not normal. Keeping silent is not normal. Pretending that everything is ok when its not is not normal.
    So proud to know that there are muslim women around the world taking a stance and speaking up about these issues. Its happening a lot and people need to realise that most women in this day and age will no longer keep silent or tolerate B.S.

  29. Wow the fact that you actually realized that you have to let him go …. I’m really speechless you are by far one of the best writers I’ve ever come across, I can just feel how you felt in the moments.
    You are truly an inspiration and a beautiful soul.

  30. You are such an inspiration Faiza . This thing really teared me up. I know how exactly it feels when u have to let go of someone to love yourself first. I feel you sister . And m proud of you . ❤️

  31. You’re so strong Masha Allah❤

  32. He is such a jerkwad! I’m glad that you aren’t in that poisonous relationship anymore. I’m thankful to Allah as well for sending you to us all.. You’re Allah’s angel Faiza. Truly you are. I know that you won’t go to hell even for a single minute because you’re one of Allah’s special angels. You help us all be stronger and not make mistakes. Faiza it’s because of you that I’ve dodged so much fuckery. All thanks to you. Men couldn’t use me or guilt trip me because I had Faiza speaking from my heart and telling me not to fall for any fuckery. I value my body and soul so much and you’ve helped me keep it safe. You’re truly Allah’s spartacus warrior 💪🏻❤️💖✨ Although I don’t offer namaz very often.. When I do pray.. You’re first in my prayers gorgeous. You mean the world to me. One day I’ll meet you and take you out for a fun girls night out or wherever you want. I owe you big time girlfriend ✨ Thank you so much Faiza. I found you from one of the comedy channels on Instagram. At the time I was only looking for some laughs. You entered my life and bought in so much more.. Unexpectedly. I’m blessed to have you in my life. I love your IG stories too. Even if it’s only you doing makeup and not doing anything else at all. I’d still watch the entire live and I know that my day is gonna go chirpy and happy. Love you girl!

  33. Loveeeeee!!!

  34. So true every girl has to know her worth sooner or later cant wait till next weekk
    I really really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart thanksss soo muchhh

    I love you and your an inspiration to me

    All the love from Abu Dhabi ❤️❤️

  35. I wish this was a never ending book !!!!! I want to know more 😭😭😭😭 this is PRECIOUSSSSSSSES

  36. This has really hit home for me. I have to find the strength to do the same, if you can do it then so can I. ♥ Breaks my heart thinking about it but I’ve cried more then I’ve laughed in the last 8 months trying to justify to myself that the tears are worth it but it kills me every night. Thank you for your story sis x

  37. In reading all of this, the only thing that stood out to me and made my heart move was when you said your mother’s eyes would be peeping out the window – look at the pain you must have been causing your mother, but you weren’t listening to her – imagine how she must have been feeling, how scared anxious and helpless she would have been. It’s not all about you – – Its not all about selflove. I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve from all of this… by sharing your past, but in my opinion the only healing is from our Lord – Allah. You won’t get any true healing by telling the world – only disclose your soul to Allah. Not people. Are you looking for praise? Why, when all praise is for Allah. And all honour is with Allah.

    1. Agreed.

    2. Adviser…hope you are a saint, never offended your mum or God… I just hope so

      1. They must not have if they’re keeping themselves busy throwing out judgements like they’re going out of style. People like that are so sickening.

    3. How very demeaning of you. Her life, her actions. Who are you to judge? Wonderful for you to have found Allah, but is it really YOUR life’s mission to preach and shame a person for sharing her extremely life affecting experiences?
      I think you are brav Faiza. I love that you have a voice and that you use your voice.

    4. Just shut up 🤐

    5. Please shut up, think you are so perfect. What are you doing here,Leave Fazia alone , we don’t need your advice. Go Fazia I wish I could read more , relate so much to this story and am glad am not alone

    6. She is telling the story so other girls would learn, becouse in our arab world “love” isnt some thing we can talk about, being treated bad is something we used to, feeling unworthy, stupid and belong to the kitchen is what they taught us, girls like faiza are highlighting the ugly truth, you may not like her way but it works with many people, no thing has to do with allah, allah have created us and he knows very well that we would make mistakes, islam is perfect but we are NOT.

    7. Amen! It is not our place to judge though. Seems you are looking for praise and to fill a void. So many inconsistencies in the story hoping it’s not true. Even if not, why are you romanticizing and glorifying lying, dating (and more) essentially condoning sinning to young women. Instead of encouraging them to not succumb to dating and hooking up with a guy, you are giving them advice on how to pursue a future ex boyfriend? 🙅🏼 Don’t you want to prevent girls from making the same mistake as you ? How is this empowering to women? Please move on and end the sales pitch to our impressionable girls. Also, why are followers calling you “mama penguin” as if they’re in a cult? So odd!

      1. She’s teaching us to “pursue a future ex boyfriend”? WTF! You clearly need to get out of the judgement zone for a wee bit, not too long, so don’t worry. You’ll be able to go back to preaching, backbiting, and playing judge and jury in just a few. But… while you’re out, use that brain Allah gave you and reread ALL of this girl’s work. She’s trying to help us avoid having ex boyfriends, Einstein! Hers is a kind of, ‘Don’t do what I did. Learn from my mistakes,’ guide and there’s nothing more empowering than that.

        Ok. Now you can go back to the judgement zone. You won’t be missed.

        About the Penguins and why we call her ‘Mama Penguin.’ Oh, I don’t know. Would you be happier if we call her Mama Dolphin, Mama Bass, or what about Mama New England Cod? WTF does it matter what we call her! You’re nit-picking, but that’s ok. Judges gotta do what judges gotta do. Keep themselves busy and energized off the backs of others.

  38. Wow. I felt so many emotions reading this. You were brave. People think there is clear cut signs to when it’s time to move one but that is certainly not true. You took a leap of faith in yourself. xo Well done girl. Can’t wait to read the next part on Saturday !

  39. This is not love . Love does not decay like this & also love isn’t possessive, love doesn’t end like this , also faiza your betraying your future husband by blogging about Pan . Please sister , move on with your life , accept the past for what it is and burn the pages of your life before . He destroyed you , he didnt respect the sanctity of Islam , who cares about how much chemistry you have , or connection , it means absolutely NOTHING , because this chemistry or connection was created by Shaitan not Allah swt. It all begins with a whisper . DONT BE FOOLED! What is the matter? Stop 🛑 pan does not exist! He only exsists in a part of your brain that stores memory . He is not around anymore so the heck with him . Turn to Allah and open yourself to the one who complete your Deen , restore your brokenness .

    Salam .

    1. She’s not betraying her future husband in any way. She is telling the story of her past that has made her the women she is today. She is telling her story so other girls who are facing these problems know that they are not the only ones. By telling her story is a way for her to move on from the past. Is her life and she can do whatever she wants.

  40. Maybe it’s time for me to tell you my story🐧…Would things get better? I really hope it will I still have some hope left in me

  41. This is so beautifully written ❤

  42. This is so relatable. It was very brave of you to walk away. It something im trying to do for a really long time now..

  43. I felt your pain. Leg choked up a couple of times. You deserve so much better. Hes an idiot because he lost a beautiful woman with such a huge heart. Me and my sisters love you so much. Please keep doing what your doing. Don’t give up and keep sharing you story. I’m obsessed. You’ve become our sat reading material 😊😊❤️❤️❤️❤️

  44. Wow! I just read all 4 chapters at once but this one!! WOW! I have no words. This one hit my hard. Literally bowing down!! You are everything!!

  45. WOW this had me speechless. You are such an incredible woman. So much respect for you 💗💗💗

  46. You’re such a good writer!

  47. You were so strong in walking away. No one deserves to be treated in that way. Stay strong. 💜

  48. It is so sad story u made me cry some lines was related thou💔💔💔 u r strong woman love u❤️

  49. Omg I loved this chapter …. It just speaks to your heart ❤️

  50. I’m actually crying 😂 maybe because I know exactly how you feel and see the similarities to my current relationship xxx this was beautiful you’re really strong person and I’m glad you have the support of us penguins you deserve it. Thank you for all the help you give us xxx

  51. Oh my goodness. This is intense. Writing about this must be hard Mama Penguin thanks for sharing.

  52. Ps : Reading this chapter is like I’m reading about me … it’s like I’m seeing myself back in the summer and all that horrible time Where I was stucked with this sun of a *** …. I feel your pain… it’s like my pain …. the way you Worte it down made me see me like a movie passing by …. I couldn’t hold back my tears… I know I’m not over him yet but I know I’m better off without him thanks to you ! Because you were the one who made feel that is okay to take my time till I’m ready to let go of him till I heal …..

  53. I lovee it so so much you deserve so much better 🐧 you’re an amazing writer you made me feel your pain living the moment i just broke into tears must be really hard but you’re a strong fabulous women gonna rule the world one day 🖤🖤🖤

  54. Wow! Mama Penguin 🐧 I’m speechless 😶 and just want to say you are one strong beautiful beings inside and out… ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Love you and love your videos and thank you for being there for us… Thank you for sharing your journey and your healing process… Much love from Cali 😘😘🐧🐧🖤🖤

  55. I really deeply Respect the fact that u shared it with us ❤ Brought tears into my eyes ! Love u mama penguin 🐧❤

  56. I love this! ❤️ It’s very well written, I actually felt your pain as I was reading. It’s a common situation sometimes our head says get out and end this, it’s enough but the heart refuses and it turns into a vicious cycle….some get out, some don’t.

  57. I love it deeply, and I can, in a certain way, relate too much to this chapter at this point of my life. May I’m at the point where he “completely crossed the borders” but I’m still “lost”.

  58. that’s so creative!!! i love the way u expressed ur feelings!!!! Don’t let anything break u no matter what! much love❤️❤️❤️

  59. My heart 💔💔💔💔 😩😩😩Ur so strong mama p. I would slapped his stupid ass. He’s a bad guy n I’m glad u got away from him. Just so sad u have to carry so much sad memories. Stay strong we love u do much. Ur inspiring me with everything ur posting. Love u so much❤️❤️

  60. I could relate so well and feel the pain!

  61. This chapter feels all to familiar with me with a past relationship. They grab a hold of your emotions and insecurities to the point that you KNOW you’re losing yourself but you continue to let it happen. Then you are ashamed of them having such a power over you that you lie to yourself and co Tunis to let it happen. Those breaking points, like the one you had at the movie theater, are the ones that make or break you as a person. I had to learn from those moments and learn not to repeat those mistakes or let a man ever make me feel like that again. It took me a long time to re find myself after that relationship, and even six years after the fact, I still struggle with the emotional damage that occurred from it. It’s a process.

  62. Dear Mama Pinguin 🐧, I can’t thank you enough for sharing your journey and your healing process with us ! I know how hard it is to relive the past especially when a long time pass by!
    I love you and appreciate you for the inspirational woman you are ! Much love and kisses from your biggest fan in Germany!
    I’m going through a fucking heart period right now… after almost 3 years relationship with a fuckboy aka mammas boy… it’s hard for me to believe it is over that I dumped him and he doesn’t even really care …. otherwise he would not get engaged after one month of the break up …. thank you for giving me strength …. thank you for being there for us …. I love you ….

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