Back Around The Merry-Go-Round

 

Breakups. They’re so fucken hard. It’s as if for one moment you feel alive, and suddenly you’re crippled. You can’t think about anything but that other person who once made you feel so good, even in the misery of the pain they caused. Food doesn’t taste the same. You can’t remember what it feels like to be happy. Your facial muscles yearn to revisit a genuine smile. You hate daylight, but fear nightfall, because in the day you’re reminded of the reality that you’re now minus that other person and come nightfall, a long series of flashbacks keep you awake and in tears.

You pray sleep takes pity of you, if only so that you can try to wake up the next morning only to find out that it was all a dream. I understand. I was feeling every bit of this when I broke up with Pan. I was tempted to do it via text because I was afraid that hearing his voice would only remind me of the good times which would erase all the bad.

I couldn’t do that.

Pan had not only disrespected me, he had crossed a line and put his hands on me. Everything in me said, this is the moment you leave. So, I did. Pan insisted we try to make it work. He tried his best to make me see how big of a deal I was making about something so small: he didn’t shout at me, he just had a loud voice. He didn’t push me, he tapped me. He didn’t disrespect me, he loved me.

The part of me that loved him tried to make me believe I was making a tsunami out of a raindrop. Pan’s words and actions were in the name of love. But that was my heart talking. My heart was dumb. My mind wasn’t. It said, run. It said this is the type of toxic relationship you’ve told your clients to run from. It said, that I, for some twisted reason, would fall hard for him, but that he would hurt my mind, body, and soul. It said, he is NOT ‘The One.’

I listened to my head for a while, but after seeing over thirty missed calls from Pan, and hearing his apologetic tone on my voicemail, my heart made me pick up the phone and call him back.

He answered on the first ring.

“Hello.” He said sounding hopeful.

“Hi.” I replied dryly. The moment I did, I felt ashamed of myself. I mean there I was calling a guy who claimed to love me but had crossed so many lines in the time we were together, to hurt me. Did I really think I deserved it? Was this what love was? Or was it simply what was familiar to me?

“How are you?” He asked.

I didn’t know how to answer. I felt like the question was rather an oxymoron considering Pan was very aware of what happen. Or was he? He had spent so much time demeaning the events that unfolded as he had from the beginning, that I wasn’t sure if he really cared about what happen.

“I’m okay.” I answered knowing very well that wasn’t true. I wasn’t okay. I was miserable. Tortured. Torn, because a part of me knew Pan wasn’t the guy for me, and yet another part of me didn’t care.

“How are you?” I asked.

“Miserable!”

That makes two of us, I thought.

“Can we meet up and talk?” He asked.

My head said FUCK NO! But my heart, my damn heart screamed YES!

I followed my heart straight into Pan’s car. He parked at the Jewel parking lot down the street from my house. He unbuckled his seat belt, leaned forward into the steering wheel, his gaze fixed straight ahead, and his mind clearly heavy.

“I wanna apologize about how I’ve been actin’ lately.” He said. “I’m not that guy. I’ve just been going through some things and I think I’ve been takin’ it out on you.”

“You think?” I asked.

“Ok… I’ve been taking it out on you. But there’s a reason for the way I’ve been acting.” He said.

“A reason,” he said. I wondered what the reasons were he could think of for body shaming me on our first date, and morally shaming me when we shish kabobbed? I wanted to know the reasons he felt he could call me out of my name. That he could put his hands on me. I wanted to know the reasons why he could be faced with all this, and never blink an eye to take any form of accountability. I wanted to know these things from him, but I also wanted the answers from myself. Why was I allowing it? Why did I keep coming back? Why didn’t I love myself enough to say ENOUGH!

Pan explained that he was overwhelmed with work and life. He wanted to do so many things and none of them ever seemed to go his way. He had dreams and aspirations, but they didn’t look like they would take flight, or so Pan believed.

“You can do anything you wanna do, babe.” I said wishing I hadn’t said babe. It gave him hope that we would get back together, but who was I kidding, we already were.

“Eliminate anyone in your life who doesn’t believe in you. They serve no purpose. I believe in you,” I said genuinely. “Even if nobody else does. I do.” I added.

That was the thing… I always believed Pan could do more things than me. I suppose that was one of my many mistakes. I wanted to fix him. Maybe I believed if I could fix him, somehow, I’d find myself.

“Thank you, babe.” He said with a smile.

Seeing his smile made my heart sink. It wasn’t love that did that, but the reality that told me, “This will become a pattern. Actions and excuses.” Pan had disrespected me in every way a woman can be disrespected, and yet with a few words, a sympathetic reason for his actions, a somber look, and a smile, I could forget it all. He had me completely. He knew this.

He knew this.

“I don’t wanna lose you.” He said. “I can take losing anything else in my life, but not you. I promise I’ll change. It’s gonna be different moving forward. I promise you. I’ll never talk about your body again. I’ll never call you anything besides Faiza, babe, baby, My Love, My Life, My Precious, My Queen, My Love Dove.” He said with a smile.

A smile I couldn’t help but share in.

My compassionate heart, the one that was accustomed to forgiving the unforgivable, let him back in. I considered everything he was going through because that’s what love does. It was love for me. I believed it was the same for him. That’s why he yearned to have me back. This, I said, must be love. So, I embraced him as tightly as he did me and once again, I was his.

I didn’t care about logic.

I didn’t consider what was right.

I only knew one thing, I had to be with him. I was a mess, until the moment he held me. I was angry, until he kissed me. I was over the relationship, until he said he loved me.

So, we agreed to start again, but better than we’d been. He was going to work to make things better and I believed him, because only in him did I feel happy. Even in the misery of it all.

25 thoughts on “Back Around The Merry-Go-Round

  1. I want more!! 😫😩

  2. I want moreeeeee!!

  3. Lovvedd itttt!! OBVIOUSLY!! but i still need the next part if this cz daanmm ur cruel leaving us at such a cliffhanger😥😔 please consider publishing ur books💜🖤

  4. You should publish a book already…I’m so sure it will be among the best selling books!!

  5. Faiza …am so touched and I’ve learnt so much from you ik am 15 but you’ve taught me to let go…even though I’ve never been a serious relationship before…ily😍😘💋❤❤

  6. I am on tears when reading this. Dont know exactly why. Probably because your story relate to me a lot, or because you are a great story teller. Either way thank you so much for sharing your story to us, i am trully blessed i found your page and following your story. This inspired me a lot, and strengthen me. Thank you Mama Pinguin 🤗

  7. Strongest and most BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD ✨👑💗💋💖💖💕LOVE YOU so much it’s crazy😝😍🤗😚🙈🙈Personally, I think that it’s “logical” that this happened that um, you loved him more than yourself, litsening to a blind folded heart and not the brain, it’s ok, cuz this was your first time of this kind of a relationship right? I can totally understand and get it 🤗😊😘that things acted like it shouldn’t like come on.. I think many f. Ex. “middleastern” raised guys are in this situations cuz again first time, naive and that as you said some time ago, where is the role model, example in our surroundings of true love?? Not really everywhere, u know this.. And just by watching like music videos or movies.. Eye contact, awkwardness and blushing and suddenly we love each other more than ourselves 😏🤦🏻😊it’s cute, but it doesn’t reflect the real life unfortunately 😞😝🤗❤️BUT you are the one kind of influencer that teaches us open our eyes, mind and heart ♥ all at once! You are there and have tought me so much and I would have been totally lost in dreams if it were not for you ❤️💓💓

  8. Literally can’t wait for next week!

  9. You’re so strong, honestly someone to look up to much love Faiza💗

  10. Wow. So much of this resonates with me. I went through these same waves of logic versus emotion for 4 years, back and forth, until I finally left. It’s been almost a year now, and after the break up he was a worse monster, posting crap about me on Instagram recently. But I didn’t let it derail my path to being fabulous because I realised that he’s actually just a narscisst trying to get my attention so bad even if it’s negative, to prove to himself that he still has control over me. Also, he was trying to make me unappealing to others because he is angry at my progress without him.

  11. Hi Faiza. Your like a doctor in Relationship. I want to pick ur brain on the other side of the situation. Well I had been in a 4yr relationship. I cheated. But why does it not occur that there are other important things in a relationship. My ex loved me crazily. But I loved him with alot of respect for him. By cheating I mean I just spoke to the other guy not even flirting. I begged him for forgiveness , but my ex wanted to end the relationship when I told him I spoke to another guy. That killed me . I lived my 4yrs like a slave for him but he had a wide social circle and often had fun with friends. He asked me to change religion . Although it hurt me alot, I thought anything to get married to him. All my sacrifices didn’t mean anything to him. Later wen I tried to make the relationship work it didn’t because he wanted me to leave my job and my career meant nothing to him. Also he mocked about the fact being so ambitious. I left him because I have so much respect for him. But he called me after 1 yr and abused me and morally shamed me about shish kabab. Even wen he was abusing me so much, I couldn’t fight for myself. I just remember falling in his feet and crying in the beach asking him to forgive me.

    Pls help me to love me and forgive myself faiza. The past year I had been crying so much and hurting myself. During the breakup I lost weight cos I was depressed and wouldn’t eat. Then I gained 13kgs. He says karma won’t let me live happily.

    Is it a curse being born as a girl.

    Love from India

  12. It’s as if ur writing the story of me and a thousand of women out there!!!! Much love !!!!!!! But stop teasing 😩😩😩😩😩😩once I start reading I just can’t stop but u make me wait till next time :/ love u loadsssssssss ❤️

  13. Reading your story feels like someone wrote my biography. I’m in tears, no joke. Your honesty is moving. Never stop 💞

  14. I need moreeeee! Stop teasing!

  15. Its a very heart touching , i wish every girl will become strong enough to love her self most than any one else , u givin a strengh me too , thank u , and ceep go on 😘

  16. Wow😭I remember those feelings of heartbreak. Every morning thinking “why did I wake up?”💔. So thankful for getting help and healing and it’s been almost 3 years🙏🏼So thankful for your blogs Faiza and writing about things that so many of us can connect to🖤

  17. You know faiza? I’ve been supporting you for 2 years or more and you’ve never disappointed me like seriously! I adore you. So much. I love the way you live even though you’ve been through a lot, you’re amazing!! Don’t you think it’s time for you to write a booK? What you’re writing is great and inspiring and you know that, I’m sure. More people need to read and make you their inspiration and model. Ba7ebek faiza!!❤️ From Tunisia btw 😋

  18. I was in a similar situation. My ex would do something stupid and I would always forgive him. It took me a whole year before o decided that I would no longer but up with it.

  19. I’m so stuck faiza I keep forgiving but I can never forget. I make issues out of nothing and it’s starting to effect my relationship with my partner. IDK what to do. 😭😭😭

  20. currently going through this, it sucks.

  21. Hi Faiza, I haven’t read this yet but I’m using the comments section here to ask you to NEVER stop doing what you do.

    Literally everyday, I catch a live or watch a video or read a blog post you’ve written and it just drives me to get up an DO!

    I have so much appreciation for you, and the utmost respect and this coming from someone who doesn’t just throw compliments around.

    So this comment is me giving back to you, in the simplest of ways, with a sincere thank you for everytime you made me feel good.

    I wait for everything that you do.

  22. This is my life right now girl. Your writing is legit amazing. Please publish a book already

  23. If only we were stronger but we’re stupid and as soon as we hear their lies we’re back to being theirs again. Hope you find your peace x

  24. It’s like I’m reading my life and my relationship.its so confusing.

  25. Hi faiza I’m a really big fan of u my account is @zaraldn and I would really be greatful if u could dm I need some advice i don’t know if your gonna reply but in case u do I love u so much ur so beautiful not just ur appearance ur soul I love u

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