A Verified V

Chapter 1

I am a woman who reinvented her life. Not a part of it. Not one particular area, but my entire life.

Everything has changed, and although some areas are still so unfamiliar to a mind use to consistency, it is quite remarkable to look back only a year ago at how different my life was. How different I was. What was once so routine has become an estranged friend that you visit often, but are deeply aware how far removed you are from them now. Every day is an adjustment. A good one, and yet still one that takes adjusting to.

I have decided, thanks to new circumstances, that 2018 will be the year, I finally bare a part of my soul to you all. I say a part because every woman keeps her secrets, and I am no different, but I feel that I want, or rather NEED, to share a part with all of you in the hope that it will help so many.

I know certain revelations will find me judged, criticized, ridiculed, and even morally shamed as a Muslim Arab woman, and I’m very aware of this fact. But here’s the thing- I don’t give a flying FUCK!!! And I mean that! A lot of you say, “She says that, but she does care.” NO!!! I don’t!!! Find your soul.

I share what I feel inspired and compelled to share- and always for the greater good. So, if I have to be the sacrificial lamb and the bullet proof vest for the rest, I’m ready for that test. That fucken rhymed and I’m so proud of myself for that! YAS!!! Flap!

(Faiza’s Dictionary: Flap (The FABULOUS act of taking one side of your hair and whipping it back with pride, attitude, and sass. Normally folled with a snap or “Mmm.”)

Strength is something that has been instilled in me, even when I didn’t think I had it. I’m strong enough to take whatever you decide to throw at me for being raw… very raw, unashamed, and unfiltered. But let me tell you, there’s millions, yes I said MILLIONS of girls around the world who are exactly who I use to be: no voice, the belief that you have no choice, feeling lost and confused, having ZERO guidance, and full of fear and guilt.

And let’s not forget the endless amount of expectations built around you like the Great Wall, by family, friends, culture, faith, society, and your community. Those girls have no one to turn to. Guilt and fear chains and confines them to all the things and people they know aren’t good for them; and expectations steer them through every aspect of their life: school, jobs, family, relationships, marriage, etc. The amount of confusion faced by these women daily is something we don’t talk about. As if it’s not happening. As if it doesn’t lead to an increase in depression, drug abuse, and even suicide.

So if you haven’t had a voice up to this point, you NOW have one! So… without further ado, I open ‘My From Broken, To FABULOUS Life,’ to ALL of you.

On March 19th of 2013, I met Pan.

He would always argue that we met on Apr 19th, and I wouldn’t fight it because I wanted him to be right. This would later prove to be one of the biggest mistakes I made. Like his namesake, Peter Pan, Pan lived by the motto, “I don’t wanna grow up.” Now today this type of immaturity would make me run faster then Usian Bolt, but at that time it drew me to him. But then again, I was a sheltered and very naïve Muslim Arab girl who had just started dating at the age of twenty-eight.

Pan was my first time around the rodeo. Not only as my first partner but all my; a fact he was well aware of, although the first time we shish kabobbed, he made me swear on the Quran (Holy Book) that I was in fact, A Verified V.

(Faiza’s Dictionary: Shish Kabob(bed): The act of having sex. A Verfied V: A virgin.)

I didn’t bleed after shish kabobbing, and of course, to an Arab guy, this is a cardinal sin. Because A Verified V bleeds if she has never shish kabobbed before. I continuously swore on the Quran, as well as my loved ones, and anything else I love, to prove to him that I was- even if I couldn’t explain why the bed didn’t look like a fucken bloody masacure – A Verified V. I did my best to prove my innocence, and when that seem unsuccessful, I got angry with God.

I felt He was punishing me for not waiting until marriage and giving something I had held on to for twenty-eight years as quickly as I had. I tried to explain myself not only to God but to Pan. I didn’t know for sure what God’s impression was of me, although I suspected it was nothing good, but Pan made his impression of me well known.

He didn’t believe I was A Verified V, but he promised not to ever tell anyone about this, “Because I know how they’ll look at you.” That statement hit me harder than even my father’s death because I was hit with the reailty that I had given myself to someone who didn’t value, appreciate, or respect me. This is a very lonely feeling. Any humiliation in the bedroom is one that is never forgotten, but then to add guilt to that, for me, was beyond suffocating. I felt alone and angry. Very very angry. The idea that a woman had to be some paragon of virtue, but a man and his dick, free as a bird, angered me to the core. The unfair treatment and expectations for women by a culture driven by men- despite the faith seeing the action of shish kabobbing to be a sin for BOTH: Men & Women! Yet, this was so conveniently forgotten and I, much too afraid to speak up because of the shame.

I couldn’t tell anyone that I had shish kabobbed a man who wasn’t my husband. This is the greatest taboo not only for Muslim girls/women but also as an Arab woman. My reputation would be lost forever if anyone found out. No man would ever want me. No respectable family would consider me, and the option of pursuing a partner outside the faith or culture was impropbable. So the shackles had been placed tightly in Pan’s hands, and I allowed him to grip them tightly if only he would never peep a word of it all to another soul.

As time went on the guilt of my act built deeper and stronger.

Pan always found some way to bring the subject up in conversation which at times found me avoiding mirrors, if only not to see the reflection of the sinful woman I felt I had become. I was constantly on trial, and the conversation(s) always veered toward his ex, a girl he had dated for several years, who unlike me, was A Verfied V. We would always move past the conversation and clear things up, only to have it surface yet again. The guilt trip went on for months until the night we purchased tickets to watch a movie at The AMC RiverEast in one of Chicago’s most lively areas.
While Pan and I sat in the car discussing his past relationship, a subject I could see had left such a deep impact on him, he had a Freudian slip. He slipped and told me about how he discovered his ex in bed with another man and the hurt he felt having believed until then, that he was “The only guy who had ever been with her.” I was perplexed.

“So you and your ex did shish kabob?” I asked.

He was clearly shocked and reacted in what would become his usual response to awkward situations: a very wide smile.

He was caught, and he had no other choice but to reveal to me that he and his ex were, in fact, intimate and she was NOT A Verified V- just like me. I felt crushed, hurt, and overhlemed with emotion. I couldn’t hold it inside, and tears just began flowing. Pan tried to comfort me believing my distress to be because I couldn’t bare the thought of him shish kabobbing another woman, when in fact I cried because of the months of guilt card after guilt card being thrown at me using that very ex against me. I had walked around for months hearing “SHAME SHAME SHAME,” in my head and it was based on a lie. A lie that would turn out to be one of many for Pan.

I didn’t want to watch the movie. I wanted to go home where I could be alone with my thoughts. I needed to find out what I wanted from Pan and if there was even an us anymore. But Pan insisted we watch the movie, that I not make a big deal out of “something small,” and instead have a nice night. There are so many times I look back at this relationship and say to myself, “WHYYY didn’t you get out of that car, up from that table, out of that room, and walk away? WHY?” But who I am today is very different from the girl I was then. That girl felt tied by guilt and mostly love- or what I believed love to be then.

In truth, there was no way I couldn have opened that door, exited that car, put up BOTH middle fingers, and said Smooth Sails and God Speed. How could I? I loved him. Despite his short comings. Despite his words, his guilt tripping, and his actions- I loved him. More than myself. So I stayed in that car, went to that movie, and kissed him in that car four and a half blocks away from my house before he dropped me off as the night came to an end.

Love to me was exactly what Pan and I had: the constant critisim of my body, a string of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse, no respect, and never showing he cared in whatever way he could. No different than my dad, Allah yerhamo (God Rest His Soul).

(Faiza’s Dictionary: MusRab: Muslim Arab Girl/Boy.)

Good MusRab girls don’t talk to anyone of the opposite sex, date, or shish kabob.

Before Pan, I was that girl. A good Musrab girl. The girl who did everything in her power to get her father’s approval. My dad wasn’t the arm around the shoulder, storybook reading, kiss on the head before you got to bed, kind of man. How could he be? He had never seen that growing up in a strict old fashioned Palestinian Muslim home void of choice. The removal of choice in any home, relationship, job, friendship, etc., equals the removal of respect and compassion.

My dad couldn’t show me the love I saw in life outside the MusRab community or movies, but he gave me what he could. It took me years to forgive my father for this and to understand that my father was the way he was because it was the only way he knew how to be. But regardless of the genuine forgiveness I have for my father, I still see how it paved my way in understanding men and love. I mean they say a daughter looks for her father in a partner and a son his mother; I unintelltionally found what I was familiar with and stayed.

So I stayed in that car… with Pan.

He promised that he would make up for the lies and deceit and insisted he had only lied to protect her reputation- even if it was at my expense. I ignored my hurt, my pain, my guilt, and the shame I felt deep inside, because for a moment, in the toxic air of it all, the familiarity showed me once again that I was home.

Until next week…. stay FABULOUS!!!

81 thoughts on “A Verified V

  1. My ex did that to me, he made me feel so stupid when it came to his ex at the expense of my feelings and thoughts. Like he would sit there and protect her and put her on a pedestal. I didn’t see it then. Now i just get so angry…Why the fuck did i stay for so long? Why didn’t i leave ? It sucks that only in retrospect we see the damage and abuse. But today, i won’t ever allow it. Not anymore. Maybe it’s good in a way, now we know what we won’t allow.

  2. I am scrolling through all of the comments, and honestly I can’t hold back the tears. This really makes me believe that there is hope for us girls born into muslim and/or arab families, specially those who live in western and modern countries. Like most girls here, I share a similiar story. Thank you so much for breaking the silence, you are so brave and even though I don’t know you personally I will forever be grateful for what you are doing. You are starting a revolution! I wish you all the best in life. Love from Denmark.

  3. This had me from the beginning. I’m not usually one for autobiographies but this hits close to home. It’s been 5 years and I can still live through every single day and wonder why I didn’t just turn the other way.

  4. Mabrook Faiza! Thank you for sharing your story and for being the powerful voice for single Muslim women. InshaAllah, we will all be blessed with what our hearts desire and never waste your time on anyone who does not deserve your love. 🙂

  5. you won hearts . you are different

  6. I just love love love you! Such a strong women. But one fact, that I would like to say is arab women are not the only one experiencing this. In fact women from all different cultures, religions and traditions experiences this every single day. Yes, life is not fair for women. But together we will be strong.

  7. You remind me so much of my self , I wish one day I will have this confidence!!!! I’m PROUUUDD of youu and love you so muchhhhh. keeep rocinggg

  8. Hey Faiza!!Tbh i saw you and your post for the first time and found you really cute and a happy type of person.I loved it,and a thought came to my mind that i wanted to be same like her.It’s really amazing that how you lived your life and living now fabulously even after all those heartbreaks.After knowing your first part of the story i am really aprreciating you.Respect for you has taken place in my heart and i am also a Muslim and i am also going through pains and depressions in my regular life,i m losing all my hope,self-confidence,faith and all.You are a really inspiring women,and i want to learn more things from you.Moreover,i am in love with YOU.Insha ALLAH!!!! Allah will bless you all happiness and joys in your life.

  9. It is crazy to see that all women are shamed around the world. I am Colombian, and I too was shamed by my first bf when I lost my V card. He didn’t believe me because I did not bleed.
    Not only do these patriarchal cultures shame us (women) and put us down, but they do not even take the time to get their freaking facts right! Not all girls bleed!!!

  10. I understand what you are feeling. I am also a Muslim Arab girl who was a virgin and a good girl, I met a guy who I believed loved me and cared for me, I lost my virginity to him before marriage, only I was left soulless, heartbroken, lost and filled with hatred towards myself. I lied to myself, my friends and family. I became depressed and suicidal. I would think that I wouldn’t ever find anyone who would accept me for my past and that I wasn’t a virgin. I dream every night of a click remote where I could rewind and stop myself from making that mistake. But it happened. And I can’t change it. Till this day I lie about my virginity. I would never tell my family that there first born child fucked up and didn’t think. I would honestly be disowned and left out on the street if I told them. But wallah, Allah works in mysterious ways and has forgiven me for the sin that I have done and given me someone who looks past my old life and loves me for who I am now. Inshallah ya rub you find that person. I’ll make dua for you that you find your naseeb. And always remember if you don’t find him in this life, Allah has promised everything in the next. Reading this was so inspiring and to find a Muslim women who finally feels the same way I do, and has gone through almost the same things I have just makes me realise that I’m not alone. Thank you so much for this. I can’t aait for the next chapter!

  11. Don’t worry . What goes around comes around. Allah is protective of his creation and I am sure this had a long term affect on you , I’m sorry this happened to you , he shouldn’t have did this if he was Arab Muslim like you , he knows better than to take advantage of your feelings . Maybe one day time will tell you how things unfold but keep going , allahs door is never shut , but just keep it mind , your future husband may not want to read or know about this , maybe vent it out on paper , scrunch it and throw it away , or just talk to Allah swt. May allah swt set your affairs straight and heal you ameen.

  12. You are such a strong women. I do respect you and happy that i found an arab muslim girl can tell her story with all confident, but unfortunately your story is happening everyday with girls in the middle east. I really hate the fact that I’m living in such “mota5alef” society. Even if im trying to get myself out of WHAT THEY WILL THINK ABOUT ME? but this is a fact here we cannot deny. I hope that all arab girls follow you and hear your story so they could live their life the way the want and stop saying “sho bedhom ye7ko el nas”. Waiting you next week with all love.

  13. Faiza, you’re so brave to share your story with the world especially living in a society were people are so judgemental. Your story will truly help other girls realise their true worth! Keep being fabulous! Love from London x


  15. Oh Faiza!
    Reading your story left me heartbroken. As a woman from a very conservative culture, i could not relate more. When i was in my early 20s, I handed my V card to a boy who didnt appreciate it or me. Hurt like hell, but what was worse was the shame and living in silence because of the fear of being judged. It took a long time to forgive myself. But guess what? God is the ultimate redeemer and forgiver! Today, I can tell you that im engaged to a man who values me …. all of me. We all make mistakes big and small. We are more than just what is between our legs or what sexual favors we can offer.

  16. Hi Faiza. Im muslim too. Just like you. What you’ve been through versus mine are the same. But te slighg diffrences is this guy lied to me. He already have someone else that is verified SPECIAL to him. While me? Im a shame of myself. Im so lost and alone right now. Everynight with tears and shameful keeps on screaming in my head. He use me for shish kabbob. He gives me hopes that are higher than mont blanc and now i fall so hard on my face. Im hurt. But yes, i fucking still love him. Why? Because hes the first guy i dated (literly) i gave him all but what i got is nothing. My pride, my values, my soul as a muslim has been gone and flew away from me cause im a dirty women. But, reading your blog has been saving me and also with my prayers but you give me somthing that has been long gone. Happiness. So, thank you faiza. This has been amazing for me x

  17. I’ve been through something very similar, except for the fact that I’m Catholic and that I was almost 17 when it happened. It drove me into a downwards spiral and I came to believe that I was completely worthless and that I could only ever buy affection from a guy with my body since I had nothing else to offer. Through a powerful meeting with God, I was dragged out of the mud, made clean again and finally filled with the kind of love I’d spent my whole life hoping for. My heavenly Father saved me and healed me, but I still remember the pain like it was yesterday, especially from the day my family found out about what had happened. I am so sorry for what you have been and are going through right now. All the best wishes and blessings to you. You are so strong, and no bad thing lasts forever. Your family will be shaken, but their love for you will not. I will be thinking of and praying for you. Many hugs!

  18. You have no idea how much I needed to hear this . I’ve been going through a similar situation and I felt guilty about it all the time.

    1. Strong people like u really make a huge difference ❤️

  19. Hi @expirednfabulous ..firstly I wanted to say that I really think you are a beautiful person and a beautiful soul..and the fact you opened up about your mistake , being a Muslim, takes a lot of courage.. I hope you know that God is always there for you, and he does mot judge according to gender, amd as long as you repent and ask God for forgiveness sincerely, he will definitely forgive you. What is sad though, is culture, it seems like your parents were not very open with you..please correct me if I’m wrong, but just bcz they did not treat you the way Islam teaches, please try and be better and accept Islam’s teachings rather that go against it..you have sooo many followers and you could impact their lives in such a beautiful way by inspiring them to turn to God… and Maybe God is using you to bring people to the light of Islam..how besutiful..But you can only do that, if you turn to him first. I know you have found freedom now, and lots of followers but don’t forget that the after life is our ultimate goal, and we cnt get ther by doing wrong deeds..and God tests us to bring us closer to him and not further away… He is the only one you will ever need,, and if you turn your Heart to God, you will find peace and contentment and a man who will one day respect you the way that Islam teaches us that a woman should be respected…like covering herself, to protect her chastity from evil man..or the fact that God has placed heaven under a mother’s feet..no man has that.. or that a believing woman will enter Heaven BEFORE a man… Islam is truly beautiful, I just hope you cn find your way to God.. so sorry for the long post, , my intention is not to lecture, but a hope to inspire you inshaAllah

  20. So many women out there feel the need to do what you did, and being a Pakistani I understand why they would do that in Pakistan but I never quite understood why they considered it an option living abroad where they always have a choice. Then I started looking at it as an easy way out, I mean I think a strong women would never let herself be treated like garbage, women in our cultures feel the need to stay because they are chained by family. From a young age they are told to tolerate and stay quite. You’re situation is a perfect example for that. I’m glad you found a way out and see things in a new light. You will definitely adjust quicker than you will ever know everything will become normal to you. I hope women get inspired by this and start standing up to injustices. Stay blessed.
    Love Jai♥️

  21. I am an afghan Muslim girl and the culture is very similiar to the arab culture. I met a guy fell in love with him and had the intention to marry him and lost the most precious thing to him. However I found out he has an girlfriend and was in an open relationship. I’m so heartbroken! You are my role model for this situation. Mama penguin I love you loads💖

  22. Wow, everytime I think to myself she can’t possibly be stronger I see that you clearly are.

  23. OMG . It took a lot of courage to reveal such hurt breaking experienced . Reminds me of my own
    horrible past 😢
    Stay strong and keep being such as inspiring role model to all girls out there . Love you Faiza 🌷

  24. Hi Faiza,
    More respect and power to you for sharing your story. You are not only funny and strong but also a great writer!
    The title alone gave me shivers. I am not arab but grew up muslim so I know how ‘viginity’ of a woman is prized as a trophy ever man should get.
    Verified V – It reminds me of the sceen in the movie Taken when they announce the daughter as ‘certified pure’ before she is auctioned off to an Arab Shaikh.
    I wish men and Arab/South East Asian and Muslim cultures would stop treating women as a commodity and respect them for who they are – creators of life, providers, caretakers of everything and loving souls!

  25. Your story is exactly similar to mine. Upbringing, relationship, my ex’s ex situation etc. To the point that I burst into tears after reading this. The only difference is that I’m only one year removed from the situation. And I started dating my ex at the age of 22. I don’t say this lightly: If it weren’t for you, I truly wouldn’t be writing this at the moment. You are shining star. Gosh, I don’t think I could ever adequately thank you enough. You’re someone I haven’t met but include in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story and talent. You are incredible (Mashallah!) and I genuinely wish you well.

  26. Love you Faiza, you are such an inspiration! I’m happy to know that are many of us who can relate, lol… can’t wait to hear the rest of your story! Heart ♥️

  27. Your fucking fabulous! I read as if you see into my soul….fuck boys!!!!!! Ahhhhh haha how does one get revenge on absolute heartbreak..made to believe they love you but NOT! just fun fun fun till it ain’t fun when your hearts broken from the truth.

  28. I literally love you for being so honest, so open and so right about all the things you’ve said! Sending you lots of love and pixie dust from Australia! It’s so important to value, respect, and love yourself before you give anyone any of the same back! If you don’t value yourself or respect yourself or love yourself, then how could you expect someone else to give you those very things?! It’s so important to build a relationship with your sense of self and grasp your sense of being. That being said, I ofcourse so respect the values and teachings of Islam and all that the Quran teaches. Every religion teaches you to be kind to others, respectful and to have self respect. In saying that, I have no idea where men get the idea that they are of more value than women. Like take 10 seats slim shady lol. I loveeeee that you mentioned the bleed! I’m with my husband now. And our first time was outside of marriage and I never bled and I was a V to the core! Thank f**k he was educated to understand that not all virgins bleed as not all hymens break! And just like skin that gets cut, the hymen that does actually break does incfact heal and can break again! So, bleeding during sex doesn’t mean you’re an automatic Virgin, the same way that not bleeding during your first sex experience doesn’t make you a non virgin to begin with. Keep it up and keep on being fabulous! Xoxo

  29. Faiza u r right arab muslim out there will think that she is muslim and still without marrying she shish kabobed. Im also an arab muslim but i can see ur positive vibe in sharing ur life with us cuz u really r mama penguin and u dont want us to repeat the same mistake. It takes a lot of courage and honour to slay urself for betterment of others. And i really appreciate it cuz every single muslim out there is coated with sins but the fact is no one uncovers it. U r a motivation to me. Reading this first chapter of ur life will help me not to repeat those mistakes
    Thank u fabulous 😘

  30. Just one word thing, “You are incredible! “

  31. A verified V! Thanks for sharing. Being MusRab girl/woman is very hard as our culture build us in a very sheltered shell with no life skills. But through those challenges we get a chance to know our pure soul! Focus on the positivity and how the new better version of u can continue to be fabulous.

  32. A verified V! Thanks for sharing. Being MusRab girl/woman is very hard as our culture build us in a very sheltered shell with no life skills. But through those challenges we get a chance to know our pure soul! Focus on the positivity and how the new better version of u can continue to be fabulous.

  33. Faiza you are so STRONG, It’s unbelievable! As Latin woman growing up in a strict household, I can relate to this on many different levels. Thank you for sharing your story and helping women like myself. Your rawness and honestly is the number one thing I admire about you, and this is the first time I say that I ever admire anyone tbh. Your advice truly helps, God bless you and continue being that kick ass lil penguin that you are 🐧 💕

  34. Wow -i mean theres wisdom in remaining chaste but subhanallah i hope you’ve learned from this and it looks like you have. Nobodys perfect and we all have to learn lessons. You learned a lesson and became a better person. You won. Continue winning. Place Allah first and let everything fall into place. Theres a real marriage crisis and its mostly because i find men just arent ready to be men. Until that happens – just a lot of shit happening. Pretty sad. Woman will bend over backwards to make things work but men wont bc their ego is betyer and worth protecting more than anything. Ugh.

  35. My dearest Faiza, your story was so similiar with mine..

    I was a naive and innocent girl until i met him. He promised that he will marry me. But then he kicked me away and he cheated on me with a beautiful woman who financially stable, not like me. And now they are married. Even a couple of weeks before they married, he keep trying to met me at my house and made me think that he still loves me.. it was Dec 2016..
    And after a year, in my sleep i still dreaming about him every almost weeks (80% of my dream in 2017 was about him).. and the hurt that i felt still in here.. I know how depression and suicide thinking was like..
    Alhamdulillah.. after that moment Ive getting more attached to Quran than before, it is very helpful. It bring me a hope and a light better than anything else..(alcohol, drugs etc)
    Allah is the most mercyfull and we will only find a truly peace in Allah’s way.. peaceful comes from sujud and pray..
    Faiza.. you are inspire me.. you are such a brave and a kind woman. You deserve a better life in both dunya and life after dunya..
    Faiza i really love you.. <3
    (Sorry for my bad english)

  36. How ridiculous to make you swear on the Quraan about your virginity and then still proceed to have sex with you.
    Oh the hypocrisy.

    Girl you dodged a bullet.

    Alhamdulilah x 100

  37. What’s sad is a girl can shish kabab and society will never forgive her but all a man has to do is grow a beard and go to the masjid and suddenly he’s a sheikh and his mom will go out searching for Virgin Mary to marry her precious son. Islam is so beautiful and Allah is the most forgiving. Mistakes like that are not the end of the world and Allah forgives every tiny sin. How dare people not forgive people’s mistakes and past when God himself can?? The issue is people follow culture rather than the religion itself because they want to be in power, control the weak, and have something to talk about. If people truly read and followed the Quran they would see that all they have to worry about is bettering themselves and striving to be the best they can. And the thing is, it’s not just the Arab society that’s like this, this is every place in the world, even in the west. Women are always put down, exploited and slut shamed. I really loved this blog post but I think some of your wording really slams the Arab/Muslim community when in fact every community experiences this exact thing.

  38. So much respect! Thank you for sharing your story. You are so brave. You have not only hanged your life, but you’re paving the way for so many women to do the same. I will be forever grateful for your humor, your advice, and your motivation.

  39. Thank you for sharing your story. I went through a similar experience, but today I am blessed with having a man who, despite knowing my past (I told him way after we got married, and he understood why I kept it from him even though he is also MusRab), loves and respects me and has never, ever brought my past up to shame me. I know not everyone is this fortunate, there really should be more awareness surrounding this subject so again, thank you Faiza.

  40. it must be so hard to share this with millions, stay strong

  41. Wow, I love thissssss

  42. Thank you Faiza for biting the bullet for all the muslim girls who have experienced this by sharing your story. It’s incredibly brave of you and I hope it leads to more unity and sisterhood as well as less taboo and a healthier approach to relationships in our communities.


  43. So much respect for opening up to the world about this! Stay strong and brave. Much love ❤️❤️

  44. So much respect for opening up to the world about this! Stay strong and brave. Much love ❤️❤️

  45. Wow, that took extreme courage to reveal such a heart breaking story. I’m so glad you made it out of that relationship. Much love to you.

  46. You are so brave for sharing your story and I know lots of people really need this. I really like your style of writing but just be sure to check your spelling & grammar and try not to repeat the same word in a sentence such that those things don’t interfere with the flow of your story. Keep up the good work and I can’t wait to see the next one!

  47. You are the most inspiring/relatable Murab I know 🙂 thank you for sharing your story. I hate how things common is the regular word is frowned upon in Arab/Muslim community. More power to you faiza. Lots of love.

    1. Omg ur story nd mines r so relatable and I started crying in the middle of it. U r such an inspiration to me.. I really love how u r so open about it and showing others the reality of how man and woman are treated in a muslim family. I love u alot. May Allah bless u with the best.. keep it up 👍💕

  48. Wow.. strong and powerful ❤😘 I am amazed by your bravery! Thank you for this and keep going ❤❤❤

  49. I will pray that Allah keeps you happy and may you forget everything that he did to you
    And about your father I know how it feels even my father was grown up differently but even in his shouting I understood the love he had for me and they just don’t know how to portray them
    May Allah keep all the fathers alive happy and grant Jannah to the one passed away ❤️

  50. I loved the first chapter. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I’m an Egyptian born and raised in the states living a sheltered life. I suffered from the same shame from my fiancé and he always reminded me of it…even after marriage and a kid. I wish I would have left the relationship before marriage but I was too scared of the shame and of the fact that no one would want me because I wasnt a V anymore. At the same time I can’t wish that because I have 2 beautiful kids from that abusive unhealthy marriage.
    I’m looking forward to the next chapter.

  51. This is sad and certainly very common in our society. The double standards are unreal and it makes me furious to read those lines. Surely, he doesnt have any knowledge about the female body and private parts, like we don’t have to necessarily bleed to prove our virginity some dont even have that little skin everyone’s so obsessed about. What a useless piece of shit he is. Did he talk into intercourse with him and promised to marry you afterwards? This is what most young girls and women have went through.

  52. Hi beautiful Faiza, first of, you’re writing is simply amazing, it’s like I’m hearing you telling me the story in person lol (I would’ve probably interrupted you [unintentionally] because I’m a chatter box) but o goodness girly, you have a heart of gold. Like I mentioned on a comment not too long ago, I recently found you… but the way you see life, the experiences you’ve been through, and the courage you have now just speaks to my soul. I was raised by a single mom who is extremely religious, till this day her and I have little to no communication because I too, have dishonored her, she wanted different for me but instead I married at a young age, (didn’t run away!) MARRIED the guy I loved… and eventually over 3 years later) divorced. Any who that’s besides the point. I’m divorced and have two beautiful kids. Being in a wrong/toxic relationship for a little of 4 years of my life (not with the guy I once married) a relationship after that, made me super depressed, I was constantly bashed for having kids prior to “our relationship” I felt like I couldn’t go on, but I pushed for my kiddos… now that I’ve found you, I literally stop and just think about me, because if I’m not well my little ones will never be okay, I can’t be broken and have them see me struggle. You give me so much strength. So so much. If just one time I was to see you, I wouldn’t say much, I truly would just give you a tight hug (most likely cry) lol ugh I’m a crybaby…. but it would only be because although you are aware that you are helping many of us, I don’t think you quite understand how much. Me personally I’m just shocked at how great I feel when I read, watch your videos, or simply see a picture of who you are now, knowing you’ve been through so much. You’re an angel in disguise that many of us needed. Much love girly 💕 I didn’t mean to make the post about me, I can simply relate so much it fills my heart with hope. To feel strong and emotionally stable one day.

  53. Speechless.. An amazing and brave in every aspect. A must-be Idol for every girl and woman.

  54. Men will always be men. When it comes to them, everything is right… nothing they do or say can be wrong and when we are hurt it’s over “something small” but God forbid we said something like that to them, they’d flip out. And yes I’m not saying that ALL men are like this but sadly there are many out there who have a very old fashioned mind set. I am so glad you are bringing your story out and I commend you for being so so brave! Continue to fabulous ♥️♥️

  55. This story is so similar to mine and I am writting a book on my story one page a day ,hopefully I will have the stomach to tell the world some day just like you have.

  56. It is so relatable. Men expect us to be Holy Virgins but it doesn’t matter if they have shish kabobbed 1000’s of times before marriage. It matters to him that the wife’s vag has loosened up or body has turned ugly (as per his pathetic standards) but he won’t give a thought about how she gave birth to his children, gave her youth to him and his family. Thanks for sharing your story, so girls can speak up and stop going on guilt trips cz of their man. Keep it up! Can’t wait for the next one.. Love XOXO!!

  57. Huge respect for you for showing the courage to share something so vulnerable.The fact that you could be crucified for this but still choose to post this for other women out there is something worth applauding 👏👏.Good luck Faiza.

  58. You’re so strong and so beautiful and everything that has happened in your life has made you the person you are today! Thank you SO much for sharing your deep held thoughts with us, it means so much. As a fellow MusRab girl in a small community with little to no people with the same culture, I never get to hear about this kind of stuff and learn from the experiences of other people and apply them to my life. As you know, these subjects are taboo. like, MAJOR taboo. By simply posting this one blog, you’ve done more than you can ever imagine. Thank you, sincerely.❤️❤️

  59. Wow your story is really inspiring, as well as heartbreaking and really shows how we grow up to think so small of ourselves… But in the end our mistakes just form us into the people we are destined to be. And everything is planned from Allah to test us and also to make mistakes so that we can eventually come back to Allah and pray for forgiveness. And by the way Faiza, you are awesome so fuck the Haram police and all the people that are going to talk shit as if they never made a mistake. In the end what we did may seem as a mistake but in reality it’s a lesson.

  60. Thank you for sharing your story of u/ex here. Your strength & fabulous self is helping SO many women!! Grateful i found you on Instagram🙏🏽

  61. Faiza, I’ve been following you on IG and Snapchat, you’re the most lovable and beautiful person ever. You are amazing and you help millions across the globe. I’m sure that beings living in other planets are missing out on yours (& Miss Katherine Hepburn’s) awesomeness & fabulous-ness. (I hope I spelled your fabulous kitty’s name correctly. Plus I’m not sure if fabulous-ness is a word lol). Everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason. Just last night I watched your video in which you spoke about what had happened between your ex and the new guy. I cried multiple times whilst watching it. I couldn’t bear to see you so hurt and sad. Cuz I’m so accustomed to seeing you happy and always want you to be happy. I know that ups and downs exist. I just didn’t want you to be sad cuz you bring endless amount of joy into so many lives. I always look forward to your live videos because they’re beyond amazing. On the topic of our Muslim community, I’ve always hated how so many people looked down upon women in our community. What appalled me more was that when I discussed about this with other Muslim women, they had accepted the laws set by the community and looked at me like there was something wrong in me for questioning this male ego-centric thinking that is going on. None of the females here agreed with me. But since I was the rebellious one, I stuck to my thoughts and spoke about them, getting a lot of disapproval from everyone in my building. Faiza, I go out for a fun night with my girls like maybe thrice a year. When new tenants came into the building, my mom overheard the people tell them that there’s a prostitute who lives on the same floor that I stay at. Now my mom being the one with the best reputation et all, came home and taunted me about it cuz no other girl in the building even wore jeans to begin with. I covered myself from head to toe while leaving my home and yet since I left home at night I was labelled a hoe. Well screw them and their shitty mentality. After you entered my life, I realised that I wasn’t alone and wasn’t wrong to think what I thought. Thank you Faiza for everything. I’ll always remember to stay fabulous cuz I’m blessed with a fabulous lady in my life and she’d be disheartened to see her penguins being anything else other than fabulous. I’m sorry for writing so much. Hadn’t intended to do so 😅. Love and prayers, Amy

  62. Hats off for your courage girlyyyyyy ❤️

  63. So happy you started blogging again! And so happy you found yourself. All of have had experiences that shaped us, you are incredibly brave and awesome for sharing them with us. Thank you for your blog entries and your videos. You have helped me so much.

  64. I salute you for your courage in speaking up about the harsh reality of life so many girls have made the same mistakes but will never be able to speak up because they think they’ll be judged but the reality is even if you do good people talk and when you do bad they talk there is no winning so fuck what they say and just do you 🙌🏼

  65. I see so much of me in you darling and i wish we could live in the same country! We would have been besties for sure gurl ❤️ You are not alone and I admire you for talking about a subject that is soooo taboo in our culture but we both know how many ‘’muslim women/men’’ shish kabobbed outside of marriage. It’s crazy ! My dad always tells me that everything is here 🧠👈🏻 You are a good, genuine and fierce one hell of a woman and that’s what matters 👸🏻❤️

  66. I cant stop the tears runni g down my cheeks – reading thru this – feeling what u wud hv felt – wen pan chose not to believe u evn with all those promises – wen he ‘smiled wide’ wen his lie was exposed – wen ur heart wud have ripped shattered broken and ached when u realized the guilt pain shame and misery you had to put up with and feel thaat helpless to sit next to that same monsterous human n watch ‘ A MOVIE ‘ !!! DANMM GIRL! I love you n respect you sooo soo mich more to have seen you grow n inspire all of us fellow penguins!! Stay fabulous girl ❤

  67. i was waiting for ur blog since ages 💞💞💞💞💞💞

  68. I read your other posts and have to say this. ROCK THE FUCK ON GIRLFRIEND!!! This is how we heal right here. Supported, compassionate, REAL. For us women who have been many different women, we can share our stories and help our sisters find their voice, to be free and rid of the shame enforced unto us by our patriarchal societies. GO FAIZA GO!!! Thank you, and many blessings to you and your family <3 please keep writing <3 It is encouraging, your fearlessness and your trust in God and the Truth.

  69. Omg loved this, truly inspiring 💕

  70. I love you are sharing this, I also am raised the way same way however I stayed a v till marriage but I am not getting divorced which is pretty much the same thing. However being born and raised in the united states has taught me what actual respect is and sadly 90% of Middle Eastern men have no respect for a woman and only want her to be a maid and mother and not love her as a wife.

    1. I am getting divorced*

  71. You’re so very strong for telling your story,and I respect you so much for doing it. So much love ❤❤

  72. Wow! Honestly one of the best pieces I’ve read. I can’t wit for the next one!

  73. You’re strong Muslim Arab girl .no one was born perfect you’re amazing and strong keep going sis . Can’t wait till next week .💖💖💖💖

  74. I’m so so so proud of you ❤️❤️❤️ You came out if your shell and showed the would you give no fucks about people’s opinions . You are true to yourself and I love that . You are so gonna be peoples inspirational women I know that beacuse your mine love you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

  75. your story moved me so much!!.. we are human we are born to sin so Allah can forgive us !! .. dont punish yourself .. Allah is the most mercyfull dont give up on your faith faiza !! just keep saying astaghferAllah every time you remember it .. and beleive in your heart that Allah forgave you already.

  76. Dearest faiza, I absolutely love what you’re doing, from your videos on YouTube to this, you’ve not only changed yourself to the most amazing, strong and successful woman, but in doing so you’ve inspired and motivated so many more women, including myself, and for that I love you and I can’t wait to see what you do next.

  77. Never feel guilty for your mistakes always learn for them ! You had to go through this hardship to become who you are ! And it’s amazing to see how much you evolve !
    You’re truly inspiring ! Keep going !

  78. You’re so strong Faiza.. The little naive girl you was before is long dead. Can’t wait for next week. Till then stay fabulous too. 💕

Leave a Reply